


Jump

by AlmayCorazon



Category: Glee
Genre: Drama, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 67,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmayCorazon/pseuds/AlmayCorazon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All you had to do was ask.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jump (Rihanna)

## 

Jump (Rihanna)

* * *

_"So tell me what you've been up to since I saw you last? Been to any clam bakes lately?"_  I snickered into the phone as I got my nails buffed and shined.

Quinn laughed into my ear and I got a chill.

I wasn't sprung or anything but damn did I love that laugh of hers.

The sex had been good but I wasn't going to push for more.

I was still getting over Brittany and jumping into another relationship would be stupid.

Quinn had opened up my sex drive again, so right now, I was just taking things as slow as possible.

I had already gotten a few numbers and had a few drunken hook-ups just to satisfy the need to have a warm body under me.

_"I'm just focusing on school and dating casually."_

_"Yea? Just guys or..."_  I trailed off as I picked a bright pink for my nails.

_"Uh...well...I decided to experiment a few more times."_

_"Yea? How'd that go?"_

_"Eh...I think I'm going to just stick to what I know."_

_"Prude."_  I chuckled.

She got quiet and I wouldn't have noticed but then she did that thing with her throat that drove me nuts and I immediately noticed that my nails were half done and she hadn't spoken.

* * *

_"Q? Still there?"_

_"Hmm? Oh yea...sorry...I'm working on quadratic equations."_

_"Ahh...those are fun."_

_"Nerd!"_

_"Shhh...I have a rep to uphold."_

_"Right...well..."_

The conversation was definitely getting weird and I couldn't handle it.

So I called her out on her shit.

_"What aren't you saying, Q?"_

_"Uh...well. Do you think...well...you know?"_  She asked.

Normally, I would have had a cutting remark but I decided that she sounded too insecure.

Even I have boundaries...well at least when it comes to Q.

She and Britt have always been my weaknesses.

Instead, I just said what she wasn't.

_"Q, like I told you that morning, anytime you just need a roll in the sack...I'm your girl. No strings."_

_"Yea...I know...it's just..."_

_"Stop it..."_ The nail lady looked at me, thinking I was talking to her but I just shook my head and looked away from her. _"If you want to fuck, Q...just say the word and I'll be on the next train."_

 _"Okay."_  She said after another long pause.

This time I laughed.

_"Great non answer, Lucy Q."_

_"Fine...yes...can you please come fuck me?"_

Even with me leading her to this point she still hesitated.

I laughed again.

_"All you had to do was ask."_


	2. Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (Panic! At the Disco)

* * *

_"Fuck...it hurts! Oh God it hurts! Take it out! Fuck!"_

I tried to stay serious and not laugh at her but the more she freaks out, the more I want to laugh.

_"Chill, Q! You pushed a baby out for Christ's sake...this should be nothing!"_

There were tears in her eyes now.

Okay maybe they were two different kinds of pain.

I bent over her and focused on her inner thigh.

 _"Oh God! This is so fucking wrong!"_  She cried out.

I nodded but didn't look up.

_"Just hold your breath, I'm gonna pull it out now."_

_"Just do it!"_

I watched her cheeks puff out and I finally cracked a smile.

_"Okay one, two, thr-"_

I yanked my hand back and she yelped.

_"Fuck!"_

I sat back on the bed and looked down at her as she silently cried.

She had been like this since I got here, crying like a sap.

So much for sex!

* * *

_"Do you want to see it?"_

She pressed her palms against her eyes and shook her head.

_"No! Just throw it away! It never should have happened in the first place!"_

I had enough.

I stood to my feet and glared at her.

_"Okay, that's enough!"_

Her eyes got wide but she sat up and wiped her eyes.

_"San I-"_

I held up my hands.

_"I came all the way the hell up here and you have spent the entire hour crying over a fucking splinter! Seriously Q?"_

_"San I-"_

_"No let me fucking finish!"_

She huffed and nodded.

_"Fine...finish!"_

_"I'm going go buy booze and when I get back you better be ready for me...got it?"_

_"Yes but-"_

I grabbed my purse, her keys and headed for the door.

 _"Be ready!"_ I yelled over my shoulder.

_"San wait!"_

I turned my head just enough for her to know that I was listening but I didn't look at her.

_"What?"_

_"I need you to buy something for me."_

I turned to look at her...like really look at her and that is when I recognized the behavior.

_"Oh God...not you too!"_

* * *

She barely had time to nod before I was slamming the door and rushing out into the hallway.

Fuck!

I shouldn't be crying.

This shouldn't be bothering me!

But fuck if it did!

By the time that I got back to her dorm room, I had finished off half the booze.

Can you blame me?

Of course not!

My heart sped up when I saw that she was sitting there on the center of her bed with her blanket wrapped around her naked shoulders.

And then I got angry at myself for having the feeling!

* * *

_"San..."_

She had been crying but it looked like she had at least attempted to put makeup on.

I dropped everything on her roommates bed and then moved to kneel on her bed.

She wiped at her eyes and then looked up at me.

The gold in her green eyes bursting with emotion.

 _"Who was he?"_  I asked flat out.

 _"A stupid boy."_  She said rolling her eyes.

Those words.

God!

I lunged forward and gripped her hair.

Our lips crashed together and she growled.

Blindly, I ripped the blanket away and pulled her down onto the bed with me.

She straddled me and I could smell how turned on she was.

I pulled her down and held her close as I nipped at her neck.

 _"Are you mad?"_  She whispered.

I bit harder and then sucked the same spot.

She would see that tomorrow and know just how mad I was.

 _"Furious."_  I said before sucking her ear lobe between my lips.  _"Did he make you cum?"_

_"Ohhh...fuck!"_

I had timed my words with my fingers as they pinched at her clit.

_"Answer me, Q...did the stupid boy make you cum?"_

She ground down on me and groaned.

 _"Nooooo...more."_ She said as more wetness coated my fingers.

_"How bad do you want this, Q?"_

_"Bad enough."_ She snapped as she tried to sit up.

What she hadn't expected was me to roll us.

She was on her back in the next moment and I was pulling her legs around my waist.

The look in her eyes wasn't sad anymore.

_"This is the last time I come here...to fuck you...got it?"_

She nodded and with that, I set to work.

My emotions were always tied to sex with girls.

I couldn't risk falling for Quinn.

Tonight had told me all that I needed to know...

Never would a girl chose a guy over me...not again...

Or ever.


	3. Hanging On (Ellie Goulding feat. Tinie Tempah)

* * *

_"Oh God! Sannnnnnn! Yes! Unh...unh...yessss!"_

I stood behind the bar cleaning glasses with way too much time to think.

The sex had been rough and animalistic.

I could still feel her beneath my fingers, hear her screams ringing in my ears, and taste her on my tongue.

 _"Rosie! Two beers!"_  I rolled my eyes when that stupid name was called.

I groaned but hid it beneath a smile and a nod.

_"I need more! Yessssss! So good! I'm yours!"_

My heart was racing as I slid the glasses down the bar.

One more hour and I would be heading home but with her moans filling my mind, I was really wondering if I should head to the train station.

_"Is it good, Q...you like this?"_

_"Yesss!"_

_"Do you love it?"_ I growled.

_"Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you."_

The blast of cold that hit me as I exited the bar made tears rush down my cheeks.

At least that's what I told myself.

* * *

As I walked down the deserted street, I turned my phone back on and saw that I had a missed call.

It was from Rachel.

When I walked into the loft ten minutes later, I was suddenly wishing that I had called her back.

The place was deserted with the exception of one person sitting in the kitchen.

_"Why are you here?"_

My head was exploding with images of me fucking her into oblivion before leaving her just after she passed out.

_"I c-can't stop thinking about us."_

_"There is no us, Q."_

_"Oh yea...prove it."_

_"Gladly!"_

She stormed over to me and I stiffened my body, expecting a slap but instead, her lips crashed into mine.

I tried not kissing her back as she held onto my face.

This needed to end.

We couldn't do this.

I wouldn't let her get to me.

But it was too late.

Too late fight.

Too late to stop.

I gripped her arms and slammed her back against the wall.

I heard the sound of plaster cracking as she yelped but I didn't stop.

This was playing with fire.

But we couldn't stop.

Even if I could already feel the burn.

* * *

I left her there against the wall, thoroughly fucked.

She was looking at me with cautious eyes as she pulled up her jeans and wiped the tears on her face.

 _"You need to leave."_  I snapped before storming into the bathroom.

I stood there under the water and allowed the tears to come.

What was I doing?

This was a game to her.

Experimenting was one thing but we couldn't do this.

It wasn't healthy.

The cold hit me as the shower curtain was ripped back.

_"What the hell, Santana!"_

My eyes met Rachel's and I could see that she was pissed.

_"Seriously, Berry? I know you lost your cabbage patch doll but-"_

She reached around me and shut the water off.

_"What did you do to Quinn?"_

_"I didn't do anything that she wasn't asking for."_

_"Oh yea? Then why was she sobbing when I got home?"_

_"Because she was always weak and emotional? I don't know!"_

_"You need to leave. This is the final straw!"_

_"You know what...fine. I just got my first paycheck and I'm tired of you threatening to kick me out every fucking chance that you get!"_

We were standing toe to toe now and neither of us seemed to be backing down.

And then I heard it.

* * *

With the shower off, I could hear the broken sobs of my best friend.

I stepped back and shakily grabbed the towel that Rachel handed me.

_"Fix it, Santana."_

I nodded absently as I made my way towards the crying.

I was so busy trying to avoid getting burned that I had put Quinn in the flames instead.

She was where I had left her but she was sobbing against the wall.

I dropped to my knees and touched her arm but she crumbled even more.

_"Q?"_

She was shaking so badly as she clutched something in her hand.

I reached for her hand but she crumpled the paper further.

_"Q...talk to me."_

She dropped the paper into my hand before sucking in a breath.

I opened the paper and saw what I recognized as a sonogram.

When I looked back up at her, I saw the dark bags under her eyes and the pale look of her.

_"You're pregnant?"_

She sucked in her lip...and then shook her head.

 _"Was."_  She whispered before dissolving into more sobs.

_"Oh God...Q?"_

And then the sobs were louder.

I pulled her into my arms and held her tight as she sobbed against my chest.

_"It's going to be okay...I'm here. Okay?"_


	4. They Could Be Wrong (Lianne La Havas)

* * *

I swallowed back the bile in my throat as I packed my suitcase.

I was serious about leaving the loft.

My welcome had been over stayed and I was currently burning a bridge.

Tonight was enough to show me that.

She was off the floor at least and that was a step above the state that I had left her in.

Rachel was feeding her all sorts of junk and tea, trying her best to cheer Q up.

But it wouldn't work.

She needed me and only me because I was the one that took her hope and shattered it.

I had been an asshole and yet Q still sat here waiting for me.

And then there was Rachel, who was reaching across the table and holding a little too tight to Quinn's hand for my liking.

What topped it off though, was the fact that she was attempting to whisper but I heard every word.

_"You can tell me if she hurt you Quinn. I promise that I will protect you."_

_"She didn't do anything to me, Rachel."_

_"Why don't you stay here for the night and rest, we can deal with this in the morning."_

_"No."_

_"She is bad for you. She's a broken shell of herself. Don't fall for her..."_

Quinn was up on her feet and toppling the chair in the next second with a sneer on her lips.

_"Don't you dare try to tell me what to do! If I want to fuck Santana in the middle of the gosh damn floor...then I will!"_

I stood there watching and smiled to myself when Quinn refused to say God instead of gosh.

Once a church girl, always a church girl.

I reached out and pressed my hand to the small of her back.

_"Are you ready?"_

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and nodded.

_"Beyond ready."_

* * *

Despite the way that I had practically treated her like shit, Q still let me hold her hand.

Not once in the walk to the subway, on the train or at the station did she let go.

We didn't speak, just clung to each other.

Words were just not what we needed.

Action.

On my part and on hers...but for the moment...words would just get in the way.

At the train station I had let her buy our tickets and then waited with her for our train to be called.

She looked antsy and so I gently rubbed at her thigh.

I had expected to be going back to school with her but when the train for Ohio was called and she stood...I froze.

_"What the fuck, Q?"_

_"Just for the weekend...just come home with me?"_

It was the first thing that she said to me and when she said it, I couldn't turn her down.

There was just too much hurt in her tone.

How much of that was from me?

If she wanted to go home, then I wouldn't argue it.

Of all the graduates, she had been back home the least and so if she was asking for this, she had good reason.

_"Okay, Q."_

She smiled and slipped her hand back into mine.

And it felt right.

We felt right.

* * *

I was acknowledging it now...even if it freaked me out.

Something was happening between us.

My chest was tight and my breaths were sharp and she turned to watch me.

Under her gaze, I felt myself calm down.

How had she done that with just a look?

_"I'm not asking for forever...don't freak on me Lopez."_

I smirked as I followed her onto the train.

_"I'm not freaking."_

_"Yea you are...but you know what?"_

I looked at those eyes and I was entranced as we took our seats.

* * *

There was no question in her eyes about anything that could happen between us and that made me want to run but I couldn't.

I was already in this...whatever this was...I was in.

_"What?"_

_"You spent years fighting to lead, fighting to be who you were...needing to prove everyone wrong but right now...you don't need to fight this."_

_"And why would I want to fight right now?"_

_"Because this could be something more."_

_"And if it's not?"_

_"Not?"_

She actually looked stumped, as if this not being something more was impossible.

_"What if you're wrong, Q?"_

_"What if I'm not?"_

_"Then God help us."_

_"Can you at least try?"_

_"All you had to do was ask."_  I whispered.

She smirked and we fell into another silence.

Either one of us could be wrong but she wanted to let it happen and I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't fight it.


	5. Just A Fool (Christina Aguilera feat. Blake Shelton)

* * *

I had my head down on the table, trying hard to remember how I had gotten here.

My heart ached and I was just feeling like shit.

He made her smile.

She looked at him the way that she only used to look at me.

He loved her and she was falling for him.

They were getting serious.

And it was all my fault!

Whatever...fuck them!

Oh right...I had!

Fuck my life!

* * *

_"San?"_

I lifted my head up and saw two Quinn's standing above me.

 _"Huhey?!"_  I slurred.

_"I left you alone for one afternoon and you're already drunk?"_

It wasn't an accusation...she looked genuinely sad.

I nodded and sipped at the whiskey in my glass.

_"So! Havbem some?"_

_"Oh San...I'm so sorry that I brought you here and then left you alone...you saw her, didn't you?"_

I nodded and then felt those stupid tears come back to my eyes.

 _"Sheese soooo happy, Q!"_  I blubbered and was immediately wrapped in her arms.

 _"I'm sorry."_ She said as she squeezed me tightly.

_"I knew...leeeeeving was da bess thin I did..right? Right?"_

_"Come on let's get you back. This was a bad idea."_

She was crying.

Oh God...why did I call her to pick me up?

She wanted us to be something and here I was, drunk and crying over my ex.

I felt like such a fool.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, my whole body felt stiff and gross.

I felt like I had been hit by a train.

The sun burned my eyes and my stomach was trying to crawl up my throat.

_"Oh God!"_

I leapt from the bed and stumbled around until I found the toilet.

I was gagging over the bowl with nothing coming up.

I had been drinking on an empty stomach and now I was paying for it.

I heard the door creak open and there stood Quinn, looking just as miserable as I felt.

She didn't speak.

In fact, she barely looked at me.

And then it all came flooding back.

Visiting my parents...trying to kill time until Quinn met me for dinner...stopping by McKinley...seeing Britt making out with him.

After that I had gone to a bar...

I had ordered Whiskey and just kept them coming.

Who knew that I was still holding onto my first love?

Britt sure didn't.

* * *

After she helped me back into the room, Quinn pulled me back into bed with her.

Her arms came around me and she rested her chin on my shoulder.

_"You need to stop trying to be so strong all the fucking time."_

I tried to pry myself from her arms but I was too weak.

_"Fuck you."_

My words had no heat behind them.

But she remained quiet for a while as I rested back against her.

_"It was Sam's."_

_"Huh?"_

My mind was too hungover to understand.

_"The baby...when I came back for Thanksgiving. I don't know how it happened actually. That was the last time that I had sex with a guy."_

My veins suddenly felt like ice.

_"At the wedding...you said...after we saw them..."_

_"They were together, of course you wouldn't have realized that while you were watching her, I was watching him...and they were just so...right there and I had just a feeling but I wasn't sure that I was pregnant."_

_"You got drunk that night."_

_"I know."_

_"That's a pretty fucked up situation."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you have feelings for him or something?"_

_"Oh God...no...no!"_

_"Did you get an abor-"_

Her hand covered my mouth quickly and she kissed my shoulder again.

_"I lost it...just after the sonogram. When I went back to my dorm room, I had pain and suddenly there was blood everywhere. So, I slapped on a pad and went back to the hospital and the baby..."_

She sniffed and then buried her face in my hair.

She was trembling behind me.

I had to do something.

* * *

I turned around in her arms and rested my forehead against hers.

Her eyes were squeezed shut, as tears dripped from her eyelashes.

_"I'm sorry, Q."_

I kissed the tip of her nose and she sobbed harder.

There were no words to fix this.

We were both hurting.

So, I did the best thing that I knew how to do.

I moved forward and sucked her lip between my teeth.

She gave into the kiss immediately.

Her hands crept towards my face and she held me there.

We kissed for an eternity, doing everything to comfort each other.

The sex was slow and loving.

And it reaffirmed what my heart already knew.

I loved her.

So what was next?

* * *

_"Why did you bring us here, Q?"_

She smiled softly at me and then hugged me tight.

We had spent all morning fucking away the hurt and were finally standing in the shower together.

Finally acknowledging the world outside of sex.

_"I dropped out of school...I had nowhere else to go, so I came here to figure it out."_

_"No Q, seriously..why would you drop out?"_

_"Who was I kidding...I didn't belong there...just like you don't belong in New York."_

I was angry.

_"Speak for yourself, Q...if the alternative is being back in Lima...God...I can't even imagine_ _being back here!"_

This time it was me itching to smack her...but I couldn't.

Because I fucking loved her now and that's not how I love.

_"You know me better than that...we are just passing through. I needed my car and you needed to see that she moved on."_

_"What?"_ I croaked.

She smiled at me and I melted.

_"I went to see Sue yesterday while you were out getting drunk. She gave me the keys to her house in L.A. and you're coming with me."_

My anger vanished.

* * *

_"You and me? In Cali? Together? You're serious?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Wow...that's pretty big."_

_"Tell me that you'll go...be with me in California, San?"_

_"You don't even have to ask! I'm in!"_

Suddenly, the pain didn't seem so bad.

I had gone to New York and yea, it was cool but really, the idea of starting off in L.A. with Quinn...the idea sounded like a beginning.

New York was Rachel and Kurt's dream but mine was just to sing and I could sing anywhere and L.A. sounded just my speed.

Britt and I weren't headed for a reunion but that was okay.

I was going to get myself a real girlfriend, someone who knew me and still wanted me...and she was right in front of me, offering me the keys to paradise.

And I would be a fool to turn it down.


	6. Wanted You More (Lady Antebellum)

* * *

Quinn wanted to leave for California right away but I couldn't.

I needed to talk to Britt first.

She called herself my best friend and I felt like I needed to tell her about this.

Whatever this was.

And even though I knew that the look in Quinn's eyes, when I told her that I was meeting Brittany, was a look of pain, I couldn't just go off without talking to her first.

I needed to let her go.

That's why Quinn brought me here...right?

And that's why I needed to go it alone.

If I left with things like this...without at least talking to Britt first, I knew that I would get to California and I would spend too many nights drunk and crying.

And if I was holding onto something that was over, then I could lose a chance at real love.

Right now, the very idea of losing Quinn hurt my stomach and made me feel uneasy.

No...this thing with Britt needed to be finished...

For good.

Quinn had offered to come with me but I had insisted that she go get the car serviced instead.

There was just no need for Q to be there...she would distract me from my goal.

At least, that was what I thought before I saw two blonde heads walking into the Lima Bean...together.

In that moment, I regretted not having Quinn with me.

How could B think that bringing him, would be okay?

* * *

Trouty held tight to her hand and they both smiled as they slid into the booth across from me.

She didn't even look apologetic.

My feelings hadn't even come into her mind.

How fucked up is that?

At first, I was going to completely ignore him but I found that I couldn't.

I looked at him and bared my teeth, ready to eviscerate him but then I took a breath.

He wasn't worth it.

And then I realized every angry thing wasn't about Britt being with him but about him screwing Q.

I knew though, that I couldn't bring Quinn into this.

So I looked at B and when I saw that she was tensed up, ready for me to tear her boy toy down, I dropped my eyes, happy that I had hesitated.

Besides, she suddenly didn't feel worth the fight either.

And that hurt more than anything, knowing that I was done with her.

I was done wanting her more than my own happiness.

* * *

 _"How are you?"_  Her voice cut through my mind a moment later and I looked up at her and then at him.

_"Everything is good. I just wanted to say goodbye...I'm moving to California and I wasn't sure when I would see you again."_

She looked shocked but smiled at me anyway.

Britt and I have always been connected, it's something that helped us to be so close before but right now, I couldn't feel it.

It was like the connection between us was broken.

This wasn't my girl.

She was his.

_"Oh...are you going to go to school there, Santana?"_

_"Who knows? We leave tonight though...I'm pretty excited."_

Her eyebrows raised and I could tell that she was fighting back her true feelings.

My Brittany was still in there and from the looks of it, she was trying to talk to me without words but our connection wasn't there anymore.

I couldn't read her.

Thankfully, Sam cut in.

_"Who ya going with?"_

_"Quinn."_  I said without looking at her.

Suddenly, seeing her expression was too painful for me.

 _"You two hooked up at the wedding right?"_ Fishy lips said.

For a moment I glared at him but then she got my attention.

I heard her gasp but I didn't look at her...I couldn't.

Did she not know?

* * *

I nodded and sipped at my coffee.

Ready to play it off.

_"Yea...we uh...I guess you can call it that."_

_"That's cool."_  He said with a smile.

I guess he was happy that I wasn't here to steal his girl away.

_"Yea, we are going to move out there together."_

_"Oh wow...so you are like together, together? How insane is that? My two exes."_  He said as he looked over at Britt.

The next comment was just there for the taking.

I'm Santana Lopez...not Wonder woman.

 _"I know right? Isn't it insane when a person's two exes start sleeping together...almost like betrayal...but not...right, B?"_  I said but of course it was over his head but not hers.

No, she was smarter than him and she got what I meant.

When I looked at her, I could see that her face was pale and her cheeks were bright red.

She looked like she wanted to crumble.

She was close to crying but was fighting it.

Whether for my benefit or for his, I wasn't sure.

It didn't matter anyway.

He just continued to look at Britt, not liking how upset she looked.

_"You okay, baby?"_

* * *

Baby.

I clenched my fists beneath the table and fought the urge to knock that stupid fucking grin off his big lipped face.

Of course she wasn't okay.

You fucking idiot.

My phone buzzed on the table top, distracting me from my momentary rage.

He didn't deserve her.

But that wasn't my problem anymore.

I couldn't fight the smile that came to my lips, when Quinn's face flashed on the screen.

Relief.

Something that I never expected to feel when someone was calling my attention away from Brittany.

Talk about insane!

* * *

I stood from the table and swiped my thumb over my screen.

 _"Hey Lucy Q...what's up?"_  I said loudly before moving towards the counter for a fresh cup of coffee.

_"How's the talk with her going?"_

_"Them, would be the better term there, Q."_  I grumbled.

_"She brought him on your date?"_

She was fucking snickering.

Bitch.

 _"It wasn't a date, Q."_  I snapped.

_"Whatever...do you need me to save you?"_

I was nodding but I couldn't give in.

She was trying to make me see that I had been wrong.

_"Nah...it's fine."_

_"Sure...that's why you're nodding...right?"_

I whipped around and there standing by the door was Q with a big ass smirk on her face.

Relief.

Something that seemed to be a side effect of being around Quinn.

Totally unexpected but very much appreciated!

* * *

Quinn didn't let me decide if she was going to leave this time around.

She grabbed my hand and held it as I ordered coffee for the both of us and then she paid.

I kept my head down because she was being all chivalrous and shit.

When I sat back down with Quinn, Britt's whole face changed.

She couldn't take her eyes off Quinn.

 _"Hey Britt, Sam."_  Quinn said as she took the liberty of wrapping her arm over my shoulders.

I leaned into her automatically and suddenly felt like a cat with the sudden urge to nuzzle her neck.

Thankfully, I resisted.

Britt looked hurt.

When we started officially dating, I would hold her hand under a napkin only but now I was openly leaning against another girl in public.

It was tense.

And I knew that Quinn felt it.

Sam though didn't feel the tension.

Instead he seemed happy to now be on a double date.

Happy that he didn't have to fight for the girl next to him.

* * *

 _"It's good to see you two together. You both look happy."_  He said with a smile.

Quinn nodded and hugged me tighter.

_"Did you tell them about California, yet?"_

I nodded and then sipped at my coffee.

How awkward was this?

Britt seemed to agree with me because she was getting antsy in her seat.

She looked in my face and I smiled.

_"You okay, B?"_

_"Um yea...I think that Lord Tubbington put itching powder in my shirt again."_

I nodded, knowing an excuse when I heard one.

That cat had always been her way of trying to sound clever when she was uncomfortable but I knew the truth.

She wanted out of this situation.

And so did I.

* * *

But before I could leave...I needed her to feel what I felt.

I wanted her to understand how fucking inconsiderate it was to bring him here.

This could have been avoided.

My head was telling me to torture her but my heart wouldn't let me.

I turned to Quinn who was blocking me in the booth and smiled.

_"Q...would you mind...if I talked to B alone for a minute?"_

She smiled at me and cocked her eyebrow at me but she nodded with a grin.

She wanted me to end this...I got that.

And that was my plan.

It seemed that the connection had moved from me and Britt to me and Quinn.

Go figure!

* * *

_"Sure...I wanted to talk to Sam about something anyway. Do you mind Britt...you know, if I steal him from you for few minutes?"_

Britt nodded and immediately turned towards me without so much of a glance towards her boyfriend.

Quinn though leaned in and kissed my lips.

I kissed her back but didn't linger.

When she pulled away she tapped her wrist.

_"We need to get on the road in an hour...okay?"_

I nodded.

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"All you had to do was ask."_

She winked, saluted me and then pulled Trouty away.

Thankfully!

Although her words weren't lost on me.

* * *

When I met Britt's eyes, she looked broken.

_"Is she like Karofsky or like that girl from your school? Are you doing this to make me hurt, do you want me to be jealous?"_

How dare she doubt me!

_"No...this thing that's happening between me and Q, has absolutely nothing to do with you."_

_"Yeah right."_

She crossed her arms over her chest as she looked at me.

Of course she would think that I couldn't move on.

But I had...I was.

_"Think what you want, B. I don't really care anymore. I just wanted to meet with you and tell you about us. You're my best friend right? I'm falling for her...it's something big for me and I thought that you would be happy for me...happy that I finally moved on."_

She looked hurt.

 _"I am happy...if, you know...you are."_  She whispered as a tear ran down her cheek.

I wanted to lean forward and brush the tear away but that wasn't my place anymore.

_"I am, happier than I think that I have ever been."_

_"G-good. I'm happy then."_  She said as more tears streaked down her cheeks.

* * *

She was lying through her teeth.

Her heart was breaking again.

Just like in the choir room.

Just like when I came back from Louisville.

This time though, I wasn't doing it for her...I was doing it for me.

She and I were finally over and it felt good.

Of course, things never end up perfectly.

My head whipped to the side when I heard a loud smack.

Trouty was holding his face as Q pulled her hand back.

 _"The genius slapper, strikes again."_  Britt spat out bitterly.

I nodded.

 _"That's my girl."_  I said with pride.

And I had meant it.


	7. The World Is Watching (Two Door Cinema Club feat. Valentina)

* * *

She was breaking apart in public and for Quinn that's worse than anything.

I could see the tears threatening to pour from her and so I stormed towards her and slipped my hand into hers before pulling her out of the coffee shop.

She didn't fight me.

This time it was my turn to save her.

_"Talk to me, Q."_

_"Fuck him!"_  She screamed as she turned towards the plate glass windows and raised both of her middle fingers.  _"I'm to blame? Don't tell Brittany? Well you know what? Fuck him!"_  She screamed.

 _"Q, babe? It's going to be alright...I'm here...please calm down?"_  I begged as I regained a hold on her hand.

She turned to look at me with her eyes squinted and her heart looking like it had been smashed beyond recognition.

Wrong choice of words?

 _"Calm down? Did you hear what I just said? How can you stand here and tell me that shit is going to be alright? Never...NEVER has shit been alright for me, EVER!"_  Her screaming broke at the end into a sob.

She covered her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut.

_"You're not alone, Q. I'm here."_

_"Nothing is ever going to be okay about this! It won't be okay...not for me! And that's why I am alone, Santana! "_

I was facing the window and could see Britt comforting Trouty Mouth and I felt nauseous.

I don't care how over her, I am...that is just NOT something that I could ever get used to.

 _"That was before you and I were in this together. If you hurt, I hurt...you are not alone."_  I said as I stepped closer to her and rested my forehead against hers.

She finally opened her eyes and my heart sped up.

How could anyone not love her?

* * *

Our eyes were staring hard and our lips were just inches from being set free.

And then there was the squeaking of the door opening next to us.

I heard someone clear their throat and Quinn went to raise her head but I held her face in place.

 _"San..."_  She whispered softly.

_"I want you, Quinn. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I want you to be in my corner, I'm already in yours. With me, you will never be alone...I want you to be the one that has my heart...I know that I'm safe with you...can you tell me the same?"_

_"San..."_ She said again but with a quiver to her voice this time.

_"Tell me that I'm not falling for a lost cause, Q?"_

My voice wasn't my own...I felt like I was just standing on the edge of a precipice and her next syllable could be the wind to knock me one way or the other.

Someone was still standing there...but they didn't fucking matter.

I don't care who it was!

 _"I want you."_  She finally whispered. _"Right now."_  She growled.

And then I was grinning just before I kissed her harder than life itself.

Our kiss was sloppy and urgent.

Nothing else existed.

And I wanted it to stay that way.

* * *

We had already checked out of our hotel but that didn't mean that we didn't have a place to go.

My parents were in Puerto Rico and so, I happily dragged Quinn up to my childhood bedroom.

How many times had I fucked Brittany, Sam and Puck in this very space?

Quinn and I were connected in so many ways...and now...we were more.

Now we were together.

And for the first time in a long time, I could admit to being happy.

Truly fucking happy.

And when I looked at her and could see the effect that my touch had on her...it made me sure in my decision to be with her.

She had stopped crying but her body was still shaking.

And that was okay.

I was careful as I undressed her, almost like she would break.

Maybe because that is how she looked.

Once I had her laying there beneath me, I wanted nothing more than to revel in the moment, to go slow.

Show her how special she was to me.

Quinn though, had different plans.

* * *

As I slowly ran my hands up her body she gripped my hair in her fists and pulled me down.

 _"Show me, that I'm yours."_  She growled.

I smiled and began to pepper her face with kisses as I ground my hips against hers.

Still trying to be gentle.

But that wasn't what she wanted.

She wanted to be mine.

For me to prove to her that she was.

And I wasn't sure how to do that.

But I would try...if that was what she really wanted...I would always try.

_"Is that you really want, Q? Do you really want to be mine?"_

Why did I ask that?

* * *

Before I could even smirk, she had flipped us over and was now pressing my legs up.

I grasped at her hair, head and shoulders in desperation, as she sucked my clit between her lips.

 _"Fuck!"_  I moaned.

 _"Mmmmm."_ Was her response to my exclamation.

_"How...ugh...take me, Q! Fuck! Yes!"_

She was everywhere all at once, inside and outside.

And then just as I was about to reach the peak of all fucking enjoyment...she stopped.

 _"No! No! What the fuck?!"_  I groaned.

She was on top of me again but this time it wasn't her face that was above me.

Her breath blew across my wetness, as I looked up at hers.

Alright...this was okay too.

_"Wow...Q...you're so we-"_

_"Get me off!"_ She growled.

And I heeded.

Three times!

* * *

As we pulled out of Lima that night, there wasn't a doubt that separated us from what this was.

Britt could doubt us and that was okay...

I knew what my heart wanted.

Quinn was my everything and I was hers.

Sam could call Quinn whatever nasty names his fishy lips could utter but she wasn't concerned with the opinion of stupid boys anymore...

It was us against the world.

And as scary as that should have been...as long as she was with me...I was down for anything.

My heart was full as I looked at the sated smile on her face.

This felt right and real.

We held hands as we drove towards a new life.

Together.


	8. All That Matters [The Beautiful Life] (Ke$ha)

* * *

We had been driving for five hours and she had slept the entire time.

During the entire ride towards our first stop, my mind kept going back to my last interaction with Britt.

I know, I know what I said...I'm not hung up on her...I just feel bad?

Maybe I shouldn't have left like that?

But she didn't seem to care when she brought him...

She didn't seem to notice that I had real feelings for Q, even when I was telling her how I felt.

In fact...I don't think that she has ever cared as much as I have.

No one had...

 _"San?"_ She croaked out.

I jumped in surprise and the car swerved.

Five hours with the same questions and thoughts bouncing around had me on edge, so when she called out to me, I nearly drove us off the road.

 _"Shit!"_  I yelled before pulling off to the side of the road.

I needed a break.

To pee...to smoke...to do something other than sit there and think of Britt.

* * *

I was squatting over a bush and staring up at the moon, when I heard the crunching of leaves.

And then a flash of light nearly blinded me.

Seriously?

 _"What the fuck, Q?"_  I snarled.

She let out a beautiful laugh and I swear all that angst shit went away.

 _"That's going up on the wall!"_  She said as she slipped her phone back into her pocket.

_"I can't believe you took a picture of me taking a piss...what are we five?"_

She kept smiling as she handed me tissue and then turned her back so that I could take care of my business.

_"I was just trying to make your smile come back."_

_"Well it didn't fucking work!"_

My head was starting to hurt as I tossed the tissue into the bushes before standing up and yanking my pants back up.

When I looked up, she was handing me hand sanitizer.

How could I be mad at her when she was being so fucking domestic?

Right...I felt guilty for thinking about Britt.

But I shouldn't...Quinn was here and so I should be too.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

* * *

I didn't speak again until I climbed into the passenger seat of the car.

She didn't speak until we were out on the road.

I was cranky.

And she knew my moods almost as much as Britt...

Fucking Brittany.

Should I call her?

There was a heavy sigh as we sped down the highway.

I was getting on her nerves.

_"Why are you sighing, Q?"_

_"Do you want to head back to Lima?"_

I sat up and looked at her in shock.

_"What? Why would I want to do that?"_

_"Because, I have been pretending to sleep for the last three hours so that I could not have to deal with the grunts that you kept making every time that I spoke to you."_

_"So?"_

_"You can't stop worrying about her..."_  Quinn had her thinking face on as she pressed down on the accelerator.  _"The exit is two miles away...tell me San...do we stop in Chicago for the night or do we turn around and go back to Lima? This is your chance to back out...I won't be mad."_

Now that I was presented with the ability to go back to Lima...back to Brittany...all that worry disappeared.

That wasn't what I wanted.

There was nothing left for me in Lima.

Britt had said so herself and I agreed.

So what was my problem?

_"Fuck it...lets go to Chicago...find a club and get wasted."_

A grin spread across her face and it made me feel high.

Like I was floating.

It felt good to know that I made that happen.

* * *

She was hot.

We were in the middle of the dance floor, grinding on each other and making out.

The bass was pumping and my mind was crystal fucking clear, for once.

I had my eyes closed and was bouncing my head to the beat when I felt her palming my tits.

 _"Wanna get out of here?"_  She growled into my ear.

 _"Mmm...one more drink."_  I whispered.

_"Okay...wait here...don't move."_

I kept nodding as a Ke$ha song came on.

And when she came on...my mind went whipping back to Lima without my permission.

What would happen to Britt without me looking out for her?

It was true that Sam had slept with Quinn before he got together with Britt but something resulted from that...and he could have handled the situation better.

He could have hugged Quinn and apologized or even sympathized but he was a dick to her.

And this was the Trouty fucker that was now fucking my ex...

That bothered me.

* * *

I wanted Quinn to let what he said to her go because I have seen what happens to her when she gets hung up on the words of some douche...and I didn't want her to go back there...it still bothered me though.

Still made me want to kick his ass but he wasn't worthy.

There would be no satisfaction for me in hitting him.

We needed to be adults about this.

I was trying to grow up and take the high road.

And I wanted Quinn to do the same...even if I did want to skin him alive.

* * *

My fingers were reaching for my phone when I felt her arms coming around my body and a tumbler being shoved into my empty fingers.

Had she seen me?

Would she have cared?

_"We can still go back...if you want? In the morning."_

She came around to stand in front of me with watery eyes.

She knew.

And it did bother her.

I didn't want to be with Britt and now I hurt Quinn...again.

My heart broke to see her sad.

I shook my head.

 _"There's no going back for me, Q. I told you that I was with you and I meant it."_  I threw back my drink in one go and then wrapped an arm around her. I had to figure out how to juggle wanting to protect Britt and at the same time, still show Quinn how much I wanted to be with her...but how? _"Lets get out of here, Q."_

 _"All you had to do was ask."_  She growled.

And for the first time, that statement didn't get my engine going...it made my heart fall to my stomach.

But why?

Right...Brittany.

* * *

When we got outside the club, the cool air slapped me into a more conscious state.

All this shit was making me sick.

 _"Q?"_  I mumbled as we stumbled back to the motel room that we had rented across the road.

She clung to me and kept shushing me.

_"San...please...just...let it happen."_

I felt moisture on my face as we stumbled into our room and I collapsed across the bed.

The door closed and shoes were flung across the room just before I felt a body fall next to mine.

 _"I'm trying."_  I mumbled against the disgusting bedspreads.

I was probably going to catch something with my face pressed against them like this...but I didn't care.

Not really.

_"You know what...fine...I'm going to make your night."_

I didn't move but I was hyper aware of her moving off the bed and then the brightness of the room.

But it wasn't the over head lights...I turned my head and watched as she put the phone on the bed next to me.

It was ringing.

I had to squint my eyes to see what was going on.

How was she going to make my night?

_"Hello?"_

Britt.

* * *

My heart didn't race like it used to when I heard her voice...instead I felt like I was going to throw up.

 _"B?"_  I whispered.

_"Hey! Where are you guys? Are you in California yet?"_

She seemed...happy?

_"No, B...we won't...uh...be there for a few more days."_

_"Oh."_  I heard rustling and then snoring.

Britt didn't snore.

 _"Are you busy?"_  I asked hoping that she wasn't with him.

 _"Just having a sleepover."_  She giggled.

_"Oh...well, I can let you go."_

_"No...it's fine. Sugar is snoring so loud that I can't sleep anyway."_

_"Sugar?"_

_"Yea...I was sad earlier and so she came over and cheered me up with Disney movies and ice cream."_

Here I was, worrying about Britt falling apart and she sounded just fine.

 _"So you are okay now?"_  Quinn asked out of the blue.

_"Um...well not really but I will be. Santana says that you make her happy and that's hard for her to admit, so, I'm happy for her, I just need to get used to the idea of you two being together...even if you did slap Sam."_

_"Yea well...he deserved it."_  Quinn said with a chuckle.

She was definitely still a bit drunk.

Had to be...that usually would have pissed her off, then again, she was trying to prove a point.

* * *

 _"Did he hurt you?"_ Britt whispered.

Britt suddenly seemed hyper anxious about the answer to her question.

Suddenly this wasn't about me, it had turned into a conversation between them.

_"He was just being a dick."_

_"Is this about you two having sex on Thanksgiving?"_

In her normal astuteness, Britt had shown once again that she knew more than both of us had thought she did.

 _"I got pregnant and lost the baby...I was...just telling him."_  Quinn stuttered out.

There were tears in her eyes.

I turned on my side and brushed them away.

She rested against me and then took a deep breath.

_"I'm sorry about that...he should have been nicer."_

_"How can you be with someone who is such a dick, B?"_  I blurted out.

* * *

There was a long silence.

At one point, I thought that she had even hung up.

Sugar snoring let me know that she was still there.

Quinn was being super still in my arms and either she really wanted to know...or she was feeling jealous.

Either way...she didn't move.

_"People used to ask me the same thing about you. How could I be with someone who was such a bitch...but you should know by now...that stuff doesn't matter to me. I'm happy...he makes me happy and that's all that matters. Quinn makes you happy...and that's all that matters. He may not be my lobster love but right now, I'm happy and when I'm not...then I will deal with it...like you taught me. Okay?"_

_"Um...okay...I...you're such a genius, B."_  I whispered.

_"Stop worrying about me...it's probably driving Quinn crazy."_

Finally Quinn moved as she nodded her head.

I let out a dry laugh as a weight lifted from my chest.

* * *

Britt hung up almost immediately after we said goodbye.

And my next move was to cry.

Like sob...like a punk.

My whole body shook and I wanted to chalk it up to being intoxicated but I knew better and so did Quinn.

I thought that she would get mad about me crying but instead she wrapped her arms around me and rested her forehead against mine.

_"I'm here...and it's going to be alright."_

_"I can't believe that I'm crying."_  I whined.

 _"This is relief...you finally feel like..."_ She stared at me and was about to finish...but I finished for her.

_"Like I can let her go."_

Her eyes crinkled up on the sides, as a smile took over her face.

I looked into her eyes and felt her touch and knew that she was right.

Finally the guilt was gone.

Britt would be fine, I needed to worry about me for once.

* * *

My focus needed to be on being happy and Quinn helped to make that happen.

She understood me and I got her...I needed to let it happen.

Stop being scared.

And finally move past the need to coddle Britt.

Things would work out how they were meant to.

Right now, I just needed to live and be happy.

No rules...just happiness and dreams.

I think that I could handle that.

_"You make me happy, Quinn...never stop...please?"_

_"I don't ever want to stop."_

She kissed my face and brushed my tears away.

_"Good."_

Just as I was drifting off to sleep...I heard her singing.

That Ke$ha song from earlier and this time...I didn't think of Britt.

And that felt amazing.

Instead I was able to focus on the words...and the message behind them.

All that mattered...was a beautiful life and letting love in.

No matter who I ended up with...I just needed to be happy.


	9. My Same (Adele)

* * *

If I'm honest with myself, I can say that I have always had a thing for Santana Lopez.

But that kind of thing could never happen and so I just had to settle myself with making her life a living hell.

Ruining her became my misplaced way at having her be mine.

Even if I was hurting her by being a bitch and basically coining the phrase Frenemy...I still had her in a way.

When she got with Brittany officially, it tore at me a little but I just did the best that I could.

I wasn't gay.

That was one thing that I was certain of.

I was a good Christian girl, who had made one mistake and was not about to make more.

Especially not with someone like her.

* * *

Things are different now.

So much has changed since my whole little crush started.

We were women now.

And she was single for the first time since the start of high school.

We had been having sex and now I had convinced her to move across the country.

And just like I knew that Santana would...she swallowed her pain and decided that she could do this thing with me.

Even if it scared her.

But I see the doubt in her eyes.

I see all the worries that I had never noticed before.

She had dropped all of her pretenses around me and now I was finally seeing her wholly and completely.

And I have to admit that it scares me.

So even though we have known each other for years, it was like I was learning a whole new person.

It was intriguing and terrifying but I didn't like to back down from a challenge,

Especially not a challenge as hot as her.

* * *

_"Q? Get up."_

I threw my arm over my face as the sun poured into the room.

She had never been a morning person to my knowledge but apparently that had changed.

Maybe it was her years spent at Britt's side that had gotten her to this point.

 _"What time is it, psycho?"_  I grumbled as I tried rolling over and curling up.

But then I was suddenly freezing.

She had pulled the covers from the bed.

_"Get up! I'm hungry and we need to get moving."_

_"Five more minutes!"_  I begged without opening my eyes.

_"Fine...I'll be in the shower getting myself off since our morning quickie isn't happening."_

I heard her move and in the next moment, I was on my feet.

The need to be fucking her was something that I wasn't necessarily proud of.

I was addicted to her and she knew it.

But who wouldn't be...have you seen her?

* * *

Her lips, no matter what time of day, tasted like cinnamon sugar.

And her body just always seemed to be dripping heat.

 _"How are you so sexy?"_  I whispered as I admired her naked body with my finger tips.

 _"I'm Latina...it's like a requirement."_  She said as she stepped under the shower.  _"Ay Dios, this is so fucking amazing!"_  She groaned.

I couldn't help myself when I gripped her hips and sucked on her neck from behind.

Her hand came around my back and patted my ass just before she pulled away.

 _"What was that for?"_  I said as she began to turn in my arms.

_"No sex today, Q ball...I just said that stuff to get you out of bed."_

I knew that I was looking at her like she was insane.

Had she not just said...but then she...no sex?

Seriously?

 _"Why not?"_  I hated that she had me whining.

_"I'm feeling shitty and gross and not even those sexy lips and that pout of yours are going to fix it."_

I groaned...I knew her epic PMS first hand and if this was her warning me off...then I was going to listen.

She had been known to go into fits of rage and then hours of weeping.

It was intolerable and I would not be trapped in a car with that.

* * *

_"What can I do then?"_

_"Lots of coffee, chocolate...and...um..."_

She was blushing...like actually blushing and I thought it was the most adorable thing.

I don't think I ever saw her look embarrassed.

This version of Santana was definitely something that I could get used to.

See what I mean...I'm hopelessly sprung.

 _"What is it? Anything...all you have to do is ask."_  I whispered as I tipped her chin up with my fingers.

She smiled shyly and then shrugged.

 _"This...tenderness."_  She looked up at me with the most vulnerable face that I had ever seen and it threw me off. This was who she was for Britt in the past and now for me.  _"I need sweetness today...if that's okay? Please?"_

I brushed my fingers through her knotty morning tangles and scratched at her scalp.

Her eyes rolled back and she basically came just from the touch.

 _"Like this?"_  I rasped out.

 _"Yes...just...fuck...yes."_  She mumbled as she smirked.

I stepped in closer and pressed a chaste kiss to each corner of her plump lips before stepping back and dropping my hands.

Her dark eyes opened and I could see how aroused she was but she had said no to sex and so I wouldn't push it.

_"How are you feeling after your talk with Brittany last night?"_

And just like that...I broke the sexual tension between us, just as I had intended.

Her eyes crinkled up as she sighed.

_"I still want to punch Trouty in the mouth for how he spoke to you...but I think I'm going to just respect that she wants to be with him right now. I don't like it and I don't see it lasting past graduation...but I have to respect it. I don't want to lose her as my best friend."_

I nodded and tried to keep my feelings to myself.

Britt didn't deserve her...I was always sure of that.

There was no way that a girl as fickle as her could be in full on love with a girl like Santana.

Maybe ten years down the line...but right now...not a chance.

 _"That's big of you."_  I said as I surreptitiously watched her soap up her body.

_"Mmm...I doubt you think that...but I'll let it slide...wouldn't want to interrupt your peep show."_

I smirked...and turned my back so that I could move this shower along.

But she had other ideas.

* * *

I found myself with my body and face pressed against the cool tiles as she pinned me with her hips.

 _"Don't move."_  She growled and I nodded without making a sound.

I trembled when I felt her fingers push my thighs apart.

 _"Unh."_  I said as I sucked in a groan.

Her fingers coasted over me and she chuckled.

_"Someone is in need this morning."_

_"Mmmhmm...what are you going to do about it._ " My voice came out breathy as I tried to keep myself pressed against the wall. _"Oh...ahhh...shi...uh!"_

Her fingers plunged inside of me as she sucked at my neck.

 _"You are so wet, Q...so warm."_  And that's when I felt her slip more fingers in and I banged my head against the wall.

_"Fuck!"_

She was moving her fingers so fast inside of me, that I felt like I was going to die.

My orgasm hit me and I was nearly comatose.

* * *

_"You are so...delicious."_

I opened my eyes and watched as she sucked her fingers clean.

My body was pretty much useless as I clung to the wall and watched as she continued showering.

There was no moving from me.

It was impossible.

After she was done getting clean, she took it upon herself to completely wash me from head to toe.

It was the sexiest shower of my life and I knew that I wanted more.

Was it bad to pray for that?

Daddy would not approve.

More reason to do it!

Dear God...more please?

* * *

I was glad that it was my turn to drive because otherwise, I would have been spending the ride with my fingers under my dress.

Santana had gotten my body craving more sex and I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable as we crossed state lines a little while later.

I must have been squirming a lot because she had stopped writing in her song journal and was staring at me.

_"You okay, Q?"_

_"No."_  I groaned.

 _"You need something?"_  She was smirking as I tried to pay attention to the road.

 _"No."_  I squeaked out.

I was in the middle of changing lanes a few moments later when I felt a hand shoving my dress up and brushing over my ruined panties.

_"You sure about that, baby?"_

_"Oh dear sweet...fuck."_ I whispered.

Her fingers continued to stroke my wetness through my panties as she got closer to me.

She was going to kill us.

There was no way that I could safely drive while she was encouraging my arousal.

I bit my lip and tried to focus but then I heard her seat belt unclicking.

 _"Pull over."_  Her breath tickled my neck and I nearly collided with a guard rail as I switched lanes and guided the car off the road.  _"Good girl."_

Moments later, I had my head thrown back as she shoved her fingers deep inside of me with my ear lobe between her lips.

_"Fuck me!"_

_"All you had to do was ask."_


	10. Once (Rascal Flatts)

* * *

One of the best things that Santana has ever taught me, is how to pick a lock.

One of the worst things that she ever taught me was how to be persistent.

Sam hadn't been answering my phone calls for days now.

After Quinn hit him, he completely shut me out.

I couldn't deal with it.

He knew that I hated to be ignored...but still...he didn't come to school for two days.

Sugar went by his house and he shut the door in her face.

I even turned to Blaine to see if he could figure out what I had done wrong but he just told me to give Sam his space.

So badly, I wanted to call her...but I didn't.

Instead, I waited until the middle of the night and picked the lock on his front door.

Maybe I am stupid.

He didn't want to talk to me and I should have just waited...

* * *

When Sam had told me that he loved me, I believed him.

Maybe I am totally stupid...I had heard him say the same things to Quinn and Mercedes but he came to me when I was in a dark place.

My guard was down and he had snuck right in.

Now I was standing in his bedroom door while he video chatted with Mercedes.

He didn't see me as he told her how much he missed her and how he loved her most.

My heart ached.

But I swallowed down my hurt and just continued to watch.

She laughed and pointed out that he was with me and he admitted that both me and him were just passing time together.

Even if I felt that way...it still hurt to hear him say it.

 _"We should break up."_  I said without remembering that he didn't know that I was there.

He looked back at me and then back at the screen.

 _"I'll call you later...okay?"_  He smiled at her and she happily waved at me and then winked at him.

It hurt.

All of it.

I wanted to run but I couldn't.

Why did I let her leave?

There was nobody in the world that I wanted more than Santana right in that moment.

But she wasn't mine anymore.

 _"I think you're right."_  He said.

I didn't stick around to hear what he had to say after that.

* * *

My feet took me back down to my motorbike.

I was crying harder than ever.

My eyes were filled with so many burning tears as I turned the corner.

I hadn't been thinking.

This was a one way street...

I was going the wrong way...

But it was too late...

I lost control, of my life and my love as I ran into a car...or did it hit me?

* * *

I wished that I had blacked out like they do in movies.

But I wasn't so lucky.

I felt the crunching of my bones as I hit the road.

When my face started bleeding, I felt it and when I threw up...I tasted it.

There were people moving around me and looking at me strange.

A few of them tried to talk to me but I couldn't hear them.

Their mouths moved but there was no sound.

My skin felt raw and ripped as I tried to move my body.

Moving wasn't smart.

So I gave up and just laid there...crying.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

* * *

I wished that I could go back.

Before she left for New York, she had wanted to come back to me and I turned her down for him.

He made me happy and that was important.

Now though, I was wondering why he was so important...more than her?

I didn't have an answer for that.

The rain began to pour down as I laid there crumpled up waiting for the sirens to get closer.

When my mind finally started to go dark...she was the last person that I saw.

My love...

But she wasn't mine anymore...

How had life become so twisted around?


	11. One Woman Army (Kate Earl)

* * *

A full day went by, with each of us taking turns driving and her constantly taking chances to drive my hormones crazy.

I don't think I had ever come so much.

Halfway through Missouri she finally admitted to me that she gets super horny around her time of the month.

Good to know.

We ended up stopping in a little town in Kansas and loading up on liquor.

It was dirt cheap and San didn't even get carded.

When we got to a rundown motel, she locked herself in the bathroom for an hour because she had randomly started crying and didn't want to bug me.

Because I appreciated the gesture...I thought I would reward her when she finally came out.

So, I left a note and then headed to a diner just across the road.

She needed chocolate and I was going to buy her the biggest piece of chocolate cake that I could afford.

When I got to the diner...things went south fast.

Two redneck guys spotted me and immediately took it upon themselves to welcome me to Kansas.

_"You ain't from round here...are ya?"_

I smiled and shook my head.

The other guy spoke up but he sounded harmless...racist...but harmless.

_"Where's ya spic fren at?"_

I rolled my eyes and silently prayed for a waitress or something.

These guys were creeping me out and the truth was that outside of Lima, I wasn't so tough.

* * *

I leaned over the counter and called out.

_"Excuse me? Anyone back there? Anyone?"_

I froze when I felt someone grab my hips and grind against my ass.

My stomach twisted and my mind literally didn't know what to do.

I gripped the counter and swallowed the burning in my throat.

_"Look Mac...she likes it!"_

I heard the chime of the door as the guy gripped me tighter.

Please don't be some crazy nut with a gun.

Oh God...what if they were going after Santana?

Was this a set up?

_"I think you and your kissing cousin should reconsider what you are about to do, hands off of her, halfwit."_

My mind whipped back into action when I heard the familiar growl.

Was she seriously going to try to take on these two big guys?

_"What you going to do, spic?"_

_"This."_ She growled.

Absolutely...she was crazy.

I realized just how insane she was when I heard a clicking noise that sounded an awful lot like one of Daddy's guns.

* * *

_"Last chance to step off my girl, inbreed."_

I felt the guy let go and step away.

Please tell me she wasn't doing what I thought she was.

But of course...she definitely was and she looked hot doing it.

When I turned around, I saw that Santana was, in fact holding a small gun to the other guy's temple.

 _"San?"_  I whispered, suddenly feeling terrified for her.

_"Q...come stand behind me baby."_

My heart swooned.

How crazy was this?

I didn't hesitate to move past her and stand just behind her.

The two idiots held their hands up.

Santana took a step backwards with the gun still pointed at the guy.

_"I think they get it, San."_

_"No...I don't think they do."_  She pointed the gun towards the guy who had touched me, she aimed for his groin and he let out a yelp. I touched her back and the tension left her shoulders.  _"You ever touch a girl without her permission again and I will hunt you down! Got it?"_

They both nodded.

_"Turn around and get on your knees."_

They did as she said while keeping their hands up.

She leaned back and whispered in my ear.

I nodded and then quickly bent down and tied the two idiots shoelaces together.

When I was done, I saw that she was now holding the gun down by her side.

She nodded towards the door and without waiting another second, we left.

It as dark out and everything was deserted.

No cops coming to arrest us or sirens in the distance.

Realistically, she shouldn't have gotten away with that...but she did.

I saw that the car was parked by the door and it had our overnight bags on the backseat.

How did she know to come for me?

* * *

She was smoking her second cigarette since we left the diner and was currently speeding towards the interstate.

Neither one of us had spoken but now that my shock was gone, I was feeling freaked out.

_"Do you want to tell me what the hell that was? Where did you get a fucking gun?"_

She sucked in the smoke and then slowly blew it out in rings.

I could see a small smirk on her lips.

_"It's mine. My Papi collects them and when he knew that I was going away to college, by myself...he took me to get my gun license. Her name is Abby."_

_"Who? Wait...you named the fucking gun?"_

_"Yea...so? She saved your ass...didn't she?"_  She shrugged.

I rolled my eyes because really...I shouldn't be surprised.

And yes...she had definitely saved my ass.

* * *

_"How did you know to come get me?"_

_"When the motel manager saw me outside smoking...he asked where you were and when I didn't answer, he said that our kind wasn't welcome...I had a feeling something bad was going to happen."_

_"So just like that...you just showed up?"_

_"Yea."_

I was staring at her as she shrugged.

_"How did you know we would get away with that?"_

_"I didn't...that's why I'm trying my best to get the hell out of this state."_

I didn't speak another word.

This was just too insane.

She was insane.

And it turned me on.

* * *

When we got to Oklahoma, she pulled over at the first gas station that she saw.

_"I gotta pee...can you pump the gas while I run inside?"_

I nodded and then watched her walk away.

She swung her hips and I felt my temperature rise.

How does she get hotter and hotter?

I finished pumping the gas and slid into the driver seat with sex clouding my mind.

A buzz from the cup holder got my attention.

When I saw Sam's face flash across the screen of my phone, I hit ignore.

A few seconds later, I saw Rachel's face and so I finally answered.

San walked from the gas station clutching her phone with tears in her eyes just as Rachel told me the news.

So much for California...

Looks like Britt wins...again.

* * *

San looked like a zombie as we drove back towards Ohio.

We hadn't spoken, all she did was open the driver side door and stand there until I got out.

I watched as she angrily sped off route 66 and onto the highway.

Just like that, our road trip had been cut short.

I knew that we would make it back to Lima by morning and even though I wanted to explode because of this...Daddy always told me to pick my battles.

And so I just sat there...with a hand rested on her thigh, occasionally squeezing and quietly biting my tongue.

She needed my support and so she had it...without question.

The last thing that I would make her do, was to choose between her past and her future.

I knew better already...Britt ALWAYS comes first.

But I knew that I wouldn't let her go...not without a fight...even if it was her that I had to fight.

This was a sore spot for her and no matter how much time went by...if Brittany needs her, Santana will ALWAYS cross oceans, deserts, time and space...

But what about when Santana is in need?

What about when Santana hurts?

Who protects her?

Because that was never Brittany's job...

And so, as far as I was concerned...it was now mine.

I would be her protector...proudly so.

And this time...she didn't need to ask.


	12. Sugar We're Going Down (Fall Out Boy)

* * *

I knew that Quinn was upset, no matter how much she tried to smile and be sweet...her eyes told me the real deal.

Britt had taken precedence over her and she was trying her best to be fair about it.

This was not Britt's intention when she broke every major bone in her body.

I'm sure her last thought wasn't even about me.

And if it was...it was pure and untainted by vengeance.

Britt wasn't like me or Quinn...she was the unicorn.

Pure and good and just so selfless.

Quinn didn't know it yet but right in this moment, she was proving to me just how amazing she was.

But I couldn't tell her that...not while she was irritated.

_"Do you want me to take you home or do you want to come back to my parent's house with me?"_

We were pulling into a gas station and since she had been quiet for the last two hours...I needed to break the silence.

I was pretty sure that the last person I needed silence from was Quinn.

Her voice and her touch are what kept me stable these days and for the last forty-three minutes...I had neither.

That was unacceptable.

* * *

_"When I dropped out of Yale...it was the last straw for my parents...I don't have a home."_

My jaw dropped as I looked at her.

There were tears on her face.

I had mistakenly thought all of her angst was about B...but this was about her too.

Q had no place to go but California. Knowing Sue, the only way that she handed over her keys so easily, was for a favor of some sort.

 _"Why didn't you tell me?"_  I said as I turned in my seat.

A tear dripped down her cheek just before she looked away from me and dropped her head.

_"Because I knew that you would be like this...showing me fucking pity and the last thing that I need is pity...especially from you."_

I understood that anger...it was the same feeling that I had after Abuela had kicked me out of her house.

Pity was the last thing that I wanted, that was why I hadn't told the glee club.

That week had been pitiful enough without me adding my own shit on top of it.

* * *

I nodded my head and then brushed my thumb across her cheek.

 _"You know what, Q?"_  I said without whispering or being patronizing.

She looked up at me with surprise in her eyes.

 _"What?"_  She said as she sucked her lips into her mouth.

_"You're my girlfriend...right?"_

Her eyes got wide...because as of yet, we hadn't labeled this thing between us.

_"Am I? Is that what you want?"_

I took a deep breath and nodded because I knew that her being my girlfriend was exactly what I wanted.

She needed assurance before we set foot in Lima and so did I.

_"Absolutely. I was waiting until we were on the beach, sipping mojitos but right now in this car...in this gas station, I want you to know that you are my girlfriend, mi novia and where I go...you go. Got it?"_

She looked dumbfounded but she nodded.

_"Yea...okay, San. I got it."_

_"Good...now pump the gas...I need to go hit the atm. Okay, Novia?"_

She smiled and nodded when I called her that.

_"Okay."_

* * *

I paced the aisles of the store, trying to get my thoughts together as I called Mami.

My head was full of all this stuff...torn between Brittany and Quinn.

This is not how I wanted things to be.

I liked to focus all my energy on my mate.

It's the reason that I broke up with Britt in the first place...with school and distance, I couldn't be a good girlfriend to her.

This time around...it was juggling a new relationship while still hanging on to a piece of the old one.

Britt was my first love...my best friend.

And Quinn was someone who I could see myself loving forever...and she was also my best friend.

_"Anita?"_

I was pulled from my thoughts when I heard my mom's voice.

_"Mami, Bendicion."_

_"Dios te bendiga. I take it you heard about Brittany?"_

_"Si, Mami. I'm on my way back."_

_"Porque? You're going to break that girl's heart, forcing her to come back here. Especially after the way Judy treated her."_

I hesitated.

Did she seriously know and didn't say anything to me?

* * *

_"What? Wait, you knew?"_

_"Ay Mamita, of course I knew. This is a small town. Things get around."_

_"Obviously."_

_"Did you at least finally make it official?"_

_"Si, Mami...I did."_

_"And so you are calling like a good daughter and asking if it's alright if she stays with us while you are in town?"_

_"Si. Why do I even bother talking to you if you already know everything?"_

_"Because you were raised to respect me and our home. Duh."_

I couldn't help but laugh.

Suddenly, I was feeling better.

Less worried...less anxious.

_"Mami...have you...has Papi said anything about how she is?"_

Her laughter stopped and she took a deep breath.

_"Mi'ja, I don't want to talk to you about that over the phone."_

_"I know."_  I whispered, feeling my throat close up.

_"Cuidate."_

_"Si, Mami. Te quiero."_

* * *

When we got to Lima the sun was blazing and the birds were chirping.

It seemed wrong that we were going to visit Britt in the hospital with such a beautiful day going.

She should be in the park or doing her motorcross.

Or dancing...or anything but laying unconscious in the hospital.

I was dead on my feet as I held tight to Quinn's hand and pushed open the heavy front door of my father's house.

When I walked into the kitchen, Mami and Papi were both sitting at the kitchen table.

He looked exhausted and she just looked sad.

I didn't even sit down or properly greet them...I couldn't wait another second.

I needed to know right then.

 _"Please...tell me."_  I croaked out.

Papi stood up and placed his hand on my shoulder.

_"You need to sit down, Anita."_

I shrugged off his hand and looked up into his dark eyes that matched my own.

_"No, Papi. I have been sitting for the last twelve hours...I don't need to sit. I need you to tell me what I'm walking into. Por favor, Papi?"_

* * *

_"San...come on...lets sit down. We haven't slept in almost a full day...come on."_  I watched as Quinn took the seat next to Papi and then patted the empty seat next to her.  _"Please?"_

I nodded and then finally moved into the chair facing my father.

He pushed his mug of coffee over to me and then gave me a small smile.

_"Just how you like it."_

I took a deep gulp and then sighed in contentment.

He was letting me breathe because he was a doctor and he knew stress.

And he knew me.

The more worked up I was...the worse my reaction would be.

So I let him be my father and I finished the cup of coffee before sitting back in my seat and nodding.

_"Okay...I'm better...gracias, Papi."_

_"Denada, amor."_

I smiled and then slipped my hand back into Quinn's.

Both my parents smiled and then finally Papi hit me with the news.

And if it hadn't been for Quinn holding onto my hand and Mami resting her hand on my back, I would have passed out from the shock of it all.

* * *

_"I don't understand, Papi. What does this mean?"_

_"It's complicated...brain injuries usually are."_

_"Is she going to die?"_

_"I don't know."_

I jumped up and pointed a shaky finger at him.

_"What do you mean you don't know? You are a damn brain surgeon...it's your job to know!"_

_"Sit down."_ He said with a cold voice.

I had crossed a line and I knew better than to continue being disrespectful to him.

And so reluctantly I sat back down.

I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone, instead I just sat there, staring down at my hands trying not to cry.

 _"What do you need?"_ Quinn whispered in my ear.

_"Brittany."_


	13. Crystal Ball (P!nk)

* * *

_"What do you need."_ I had whispered in her ear, trying my best to feel useful.

 _"Brittany."_  She said.

We had been official for about two hours and already Santana had broken my heart.

I didn't show it.

My performance was Oscar worthy as I rubbed her back and then kissed her head.

_"Then that's where we are going...come on."_

Not only did she look up at me in shock but so did her parents.

Shoot, even I was shocked at how well I had responded to that obvious rejection but I was a Fabray, we were masters of sweeping shit under the rug.

 _"Um...okay."_  She said as she wiped the tears away and stood up.  _"Lets go then."_

Maribel went to say something but I was already pulling San out the door.

God, I wish that I had waited to hear her speak...but I was on the verge of crying myself and if her mom kept looking at me like that...then I would have lost my will to fight.

* * *

When we got to the hospital, things just got worse for me.

Santana just about forgot that I existed as she was embraced by Brittany's family.

I felt like an outsider and so when I walked away...she didn't even notice.

Even though we were best friends first, I lost first place position in San's life, the day that she met Britt.

Maybe being her girlfriend wasn't what I wanted.

Not right now anyway.

This was probably all a sign that we had been moving too fast.

All the talk of me going where she did...being where she was...was crap.

Because physically that might have been true but mentally...not a chance.

I had walked away just for a moment, I just needed to breathe and when I got back, the hallway was deserted.

So, I took that as my cue to leave.

* * *

I got in my car and I drove straight out of Lima.

The town was small and so I was certain that Santana would find a way to make it back home...but as for me...I couldn't stick around.

She loves both me and Brittany and at the moment, I didn't need her as much as B did.

I was doing the mature thing, at least...in my opinion.

Santana had told me how I looked to men for validation...and now I was doing it with her.

That couldn't be me anymore.

I couldn't stick around and wait for her to notice me.

Wait for her to be ready to take me seriously.

I made the decision for the both of us...screw being supportive...she had enough support...and I had none.

I needed to protect me.

And that started with me not standing for being second best any longer.

Hadn't I been that with Finn and Puck and every other person that I had messed around with?

Fuck that.

* * *

The first thing that I did when I got to Dayton, was to sell my car.

One thing that can be said about me is that I have the uncanny ability to leave things behind.

Self preservation was a survival skill that I had learned during my pregnancy with Beth.

With the money that I had gotten from my car, I had enough to get to California and so that's just what I did.

Screw being in love and accepting pain.

I was taking myself out of the equation.

And knowing Santana...she would understand.

This was the very equivalent of what she had done when she broke up with Brittany.

She was taking herself out of the equation so that she could grow.

And now, so was I.

* * *

As I turned my phone off before take off, I noticed that I had one text message.

I didn't read it.

Whatever she had to say could wait.

If it was that important...she could have called.

She could have come after me.

But she didn't.

I knew that if I read that message, I wouldn't go through with leaving.

And so I tossed my phone to the bottom of my purse and allowed sleep to take me under.

There was no way of knowing what would happen once I was in California,

But one thing was for certain...I wasn't going to put anyone's happiness before my own...

Not ever again.

* * *

When I got to California, I didn't even stop to admire the heat and palm trees.

That could wait.

Even though I was resolving to be independent...I had to know.

My heart had to know that she cared.

I needed to be at peace with my decision.

So I pulled my phone out and saw that I had two messages from her now.

_**I hope that it works in the reverse. Where you go...I go?-San** _

_**I need two days tops, have my mojito waiting.-San** _

A smile was on my face as I gave the cab driver the address to the beach house.

In my heart, I knew that two days was impossible...time didn't exist when she was with Brittany but it felt good to know that she wanted to at least try.

But I wouldn't hang my hat and my heart on that.

I had to keep moving forward...and I need to trust my gut.

For Santana...I would always wait...but I would never stop living...

Ever.


	14. U Got It Bad (Usher)

* * *

I'm totally an asshole.

Two days.

That's what I had told Quinn and even though she didn't answer either of my messages, I knew that she didn't believe me.

So what did I go ahead and do?

My dumb ass never left Lima!

It's been three fucking weeks!

Britt still hasn't woken up and on top of that...her family has no idea about the breakup between us.

Like none at all!

Crazy shit...right?

My parents are furious about it.

* * *

When I came out to them, they had immediately thought that it was Quinn that I was going after but when I told them it was Brittany...although neither said anything, they both seemed disappointed.

They figured that if I was going to be with a girl, she should at least be a good Christian girl.

In their eyes Quinn was the perfect girl for me and until recently, I had disagreed...now though...I knew that they were right.

And so when they found out that I just let Quinn slip away like that, they tried to ground me!

Shit...I need to ground myself.

California just seems more and more tempting.

This all just feels wrong but I haven't left.

Why?

You ask?

Your guess is as good as mine.

* * *

_"Why are you still in Lima, Anita?"_

I was sitting by Britt's side and reading to her, when Papi walked in.

Annoyed, I put my finger to my lips.

_"Shh Papi...she will hear you."_

_"Her family wanted me to come in here and talk to you about the decision that they made."_

I put the book down and paid closer attention to what he was saying.

_"What decision?"_

_"They are going to take her off the machines."_

I looked over at Britt, her pale skin was still bruised and the casts on her body looked heavy and colorful.

Her sisters had come in and colored in every bit of white space with rainbows and cats and unicorns.

Even I had pitched in...hoping that she would know and wake the fuck up.

But nothing had changed.

 _"They can't."_  I whispered as I brushed Britt's brittle hair from her face and then I ran a finger over her freckles.

_"They can."_

I looked up at Papi and wished that I had the strength to fight but that had been stripped from me.

This had been my life for three weeks...I had left the room twice and both those times was because I was literally forced out by Papi.

I clung tighter to Britt's hand because she needed me to.

Her vitals were a million times better when I was touching her, even though that didn't seem to be enough to make her wake up.

It's why I was still here...hoping my touch and my presence would make her come back to me...to us.

And now...they were giving up on her.

* * *

 _"So what...she will just die?"_  I choked out.

He was looking at her chart and checking her vitals with his back to me.

From the slope of his shoulders, I could tell that Papi was feeling defeated.

He may not have wanted me with Britt but he knew that she meant the world to me.

And no parent wants to see their child in pain...especially not mine or Britt's.

Or even Quinn's.

_"Anita, sometimes we need to step back and let God work. These machines are not going to bring her back...they are just keeping her stable. Who knows, amor, she could feel the need to fight once she's unplugged."_

_"And if she doesn't?"_

He turned his dark eyes towards me and ran a hand over his face.

_"No negativity...you can't think like that."_

_"You raised me to be a realist, Papi. I need to prepare myself for the worst."_  I said suddenly not wanting to look away from him.

The alternative was looking at her and if I did that...I would start thinking of all the bad stuff.

Like her dying and me never being able to cope with the fact that I could have saved her from it.

If I had never dumped her...she would have never gone out with Sam and she wouldn't have been at his house just before the accident.

I blamed myself.

And nobody stopped me...the one person that would slap some sense into me, was thousands of miles away giving me time and space.

But that was the last thing that I needed.

Or wanted.

* * *

Once the decision was made, everything happened so fast.

I was basically carried out of the room as Britt went into cardiac arrest.

And even though they stabilized her and she was breathing on her own, I was convinced that she would die at any moment.

My screams were probably heard all the way to California because I swear to you, as soon as I threw myself down onto the floor, my phone rang.

 _"What?!"_ I snapped.

_"Whoa...what happened?"_

_"She's going to...d...fuck!"_  I screamed.

_"Breathe baby."_

I choked out a sob as I cried into my hand.

 _"I need you."_ I finally whispered.

_"I'm here."_

* * *

Her voice didn't come from the phone.

I looked up and saw her standing above me with tears in her eyes.

I cried harder.

 _"I'm so sorry."_ I whimpered before staggering to my feet and staring at the hurt in those eyes.

She bit her lip and shook her head before pulling me in for a hug.

_"Shhh...just breathe baby."_

I hadn't been aware of how on edge I was until Quinn was holding me.

Being in her arms brought me back to myself...it wasn't until then that I could breathe again.

And I was so grateful.

 _"I love you."_  I whispered...and then I crashed my lips against hers.

She gripped my jacket with one hand and with the other she was gripping my hair.

I had needed her.

My heart ached for B...and no words could console me...all I needed...all I wanted was Q.


	15. Be Calm (Fun.)

* * *

News travels fast.

I had been in California for one whole day before I was awakened by a knocking on the door to the beach house.

When I heard it, I immediately thought that it was San and I got so excited.

But then I opened the door and there stood Puck.

Things in L.A. hadn't been going so well for him and when he heard that I was staying in Sue's house, he thought that maybe I would help him out.

Really though, he was just the same horny prick that he had always been.

He wanted to have sex and I wanted to cut off his baby making, nutsack but neither happened.

Instead of that...he and I just talked about anything and everything and he ended up giving me some pretty good advice.

I had thought that I was doing a mature thing by walking away from San but according to Puck, I was an idiot and at first I wanted to continue with my plans to castrate him but then he said something smart.

He told me that while it was smart to step back in the romance department with everything going on, he thought that leaving her in Lima like that was probably the worst move.

Then he went on to explain how big of a deal it was for Santana to introduce me to her parents and openly be with me in front of them.

He went on and on like this for a few days until I kicked him out and promised him that if after a week she hadn't come to me, that I would go back to Lima.

And I swore that I would.

But then of course, I didn't.

* * *

At first I didn't go to Lima just on principle.

Santana had told me she would come in two days and so I had planned to hold her to that but then my second week in California, I found myself sipping straight from my second bottle of wine and looking through my yearbook.

Brittany had been our senior class president and so she was on almost every single page.

Her and Santana.

And that's when I realized what Puck had been trying to tell me...this wasn't about me and Santana as a couple.

This was about friendship...Brittany was my friend.

When I was pregnant and Santana had decided to freeze me out, it was Brittany that united us.

Brittany had visited me in the hospital after I gave away my baby and spent hours just telling me all sorts of stories and keeping me calm.

And when she found out that I was with her girl, she had been sad but she had been respectful to me.

I loved Brittany almost as much as I loved Santana and I knew that me not being there was just selfish.

Just before he had finally left, Puck had asked me how many people I had in my life that I could truly count on and sitting there looking through the yearbook...I realized that it wasn't a whole lot.

When I thought about my friends...Brittany was one of the very first people who came to my mind.

Screw my pride, not only did Santana need me but so did Britt.

Puck was right, I had been an idiot.

* * *

When I had sold my car, I literally made enough money to get to California and pay for a cab to get to the house.

My last few dollars had been spent on food.

Now that I actually wanted to head back to Ohio, I couldn't really afford to.

And so I did something that I wasn't too proud of.

I called my sister.

She lived just twenty miles from where I was staying and even though I hadn't let her know that I was in California, I swallowed my pride and called.

Of course, when I told her that I was in L.A., she insisted that I come spend time with her and my nephews.

It took almost five days before she was willing to pay my way back to Ohio.

Eventually she gave me the money...but only when I showed her proof that I would be starting at UCLA.

I convinced her that we should be closer as sisters and so that was why I moved to L.A. and being the sociopath that she is, Fran bought it.

* * *

When I got to Ohio, I called Santana but she didn't answer and so I called her mom.

Maribel told me everything that was going on and so the moment that I stepped out the airport cab outside the hospital, I ran to her.

Britt couldn't die...it wasn't fair.

And then when I saw the girl that I loved crumpled on her knees as she was weeping, my heart broke.

She looked terrible and I felt responsible for that.

I should have been here taking care of her.

I shouldn't have left her.

There was no way that I would make that mistake again.

I took charge of Santana once we checked in on Britt.

She was stable and was actually doing better off the machines.

Britt's mom hugged me and asked me to take Santana home to rest.

I didn't need anymore encouragement than that.

Susan promised to call me if there were any changes and so with that reassurance, I grabbed tight to San's hand and pulled her out of that hospital.

When we stepped into the Lopez house, Maribel shooed us upstairs and like Susan had asked me to make sure that San rested.

* * *

It made me feel good to have a purpose again.

 _"Why'd you come?"_  San said as I stripped her out of her wrinkled and dingy clothing.

_"I got over myself."_

_"Hm."_  She rolled her eyes and then reached out shaky hands and traced the sides of my face. _"I'm glad."_

 _"Yea?"_  I felt my heart soar at her words, her touch.

She nodded as she let out a yawn.

I smiled and then took her hand and stepped into the shower with her.

This was the first time that we had been naked together in weeks and we were both staring.

But then she was alert as she pulled me against her and brushed her lips over my neck as she wrapped her arms around me.

_"San, you need rest."_

_"Mmm, I know but I need you more."_

_"One time and then we sleep...deal?"_

_"Mmmhmmm."_ She growled as her fingers gripped my ass and she bit down on my neck.

 _"Oh Go...gosh."_ I groaned as she wasted no time sinking her fingers into me.

I was already soaked as she took my hand and brought it down to her wetness.

 _"Get me off."_  She growled.

 _"All you had to do was ask."_  I said with a grin.

One time turned into four before we finally stopped, panting and huddled up in the corner of the shower.

Nothing in the world, in my life had ever felt as good as being in that moment with her.

Nothing.

* * *

_"I love you, Santana."_

_"I love you too, novia."_

I wrapped my arms securely around her as I buried my nose into her hair.

Already, as we laid there in her bed, she looked better.

Calmer.

_"I won't leave again...I promise you."_

_"You don't have to promise me that...really."_  She yawned and then gave me a small shy smile that made me swoon _. "I'm fine."_

_"You're my girlfriend, Santana, where you go, I go."_

As sure as I had been when I got to California, I was even surer now.

Right here with her in my arms was where I needed to be.

Period.


	16. Radioactive (Imagine Dragons)

* * *

Everything burned.

My head, my skin, my bones, my eyes...and every sound sounded like an explosion.

How had I gotten here?

Why was it so dark?

Someone was talking but the words made my ears hurt and so I tried to block it out but when it comes to Santana...that has never worked.

Her voice has always made my insides tingle like they've been touched by fairy dust.

She could really tell me anything with that voice.

And so instead of continuing to focus on the burning, I just listened.

I let her voice slowly soothe me back to consciousness.

_"...and the fat cat just stared at me. I think he was wondering what I was doing in your bedroom. I bet you are more comfortable now. I got tired of looking at you in that scratchy gown...I bet these ducky pajamas feel better? I can't wait until you wake up, B. I miss you. Come back to me, B. Your sisters look like zombies, they were super hopeful in the beginning but now that its been awhile, I think that your parents are preparing them for the chance that you won't ever wake up. I have faith in you though...I can feel it in my bones. Please, B...don't make them be right. I'm going to go pee and then I'll be back...try waking up while I'm gone...okay? I love you, B."_

I felt her lips touch my face and it was like a bucket of ice hit my skin.

The burning stopped and I suddenly didn't feel like I was being held down by a hot iron.

I sucked in a deep breath and breathed out slow.

_"B?"_

_"Sssss."_ I tried to say her name but the word wouldn't leave my lips.

_"Oh my God! You're waking up...oh my God...Q, go get Papi...oh my God!"_

She was crying now and I just wanted to make the tears stop and so I pushed my eyes open.

Everything was blurry and then I heard her let out a gasp.

_"Ssssaannnn."_

I was proud of myself as I got the first part of her name out from my mouth but she was still freaking out.

_"Oh my God, Papi, she's waking up! B, I'm right here okay. Papi is going to check your vitals, just stay calm okay?"_

* * *

By the time that the poking and bright lights shining into my eyes was finished, I was able to see a bit clearer.

Santana and Quinn were standing at the edge of the bed looking at me.

She was walking?

I was confused as I stared at Quinn.

When did that happen?

And then there was the way that Santana was leaning against her...they hated each other...right?

 _"Hey, Britt."_ Quinn said with a smile.

I smiled back and she let out a sigh.

 _"You can walk?"_ I asked as I looked at her legs.

She looked down and then back up at me with a grin.

_"Yea, of course...remember...I took my first steps at prom last year."_

_"Last year?"_ I croaked.

Santana's dad looked at me and then at them.

He wrote some stuff down on my chart and then hit some buttons on a machine next to me.

Seconds later, I was falling back to sleep.

Great!

Hadn't I had enough?

* * *

I was supposed to be sleeping but I wasn't.

My body wasn't tired and neither was my brain.

The doctors were talking and I only understood a few words.

Brain injury.

Amnesia.

Possibly permanent.

Not out of the woods.

 _"She's awake...maybe we should let her rest."_  Quinn said.

I smiled because she was almost as observant as I was.

There was more beeping next to me and then I fell back into a deep sleep.

My skin didn't burn anymore as I drifted it off, thanks to Santana.

I really did have the best girlfriend ever.

What would I be without her?

I couldn't even imagine it.

 


	17. Loyalty (Me'Shell Ndegéocello)

* * *

It felt like a sick twisted joke.

Amnesia?

How had she conveniently forgotten everything?

And what did that mean for me and San?

It was one thing to break Britt's heart but it was another to break it AND tell her that she had moved on with me.

San sat outside the room with her face buried in her hands.

 _"I'm so sorry."_  She kept whispering.

I rubbed her back and every few seconds would drop kisses on her head.

_"You didn't do this...I'm not mad at you."_

She was still hunched over as she looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

_"That doesn't mean that you aren't pissed off about it."_

_"Just because she doesn't remember you dumping her doesn't mean that it didn't happen."_

_"Doesn't it?"_  She said with big tears in her beautiful eyes.  _"I mean, as far as she is concerned graduation never happened. We were happy back then...sappy and fucking every minute of every day that we could. How am I supposed to tell her?"_

I was at a loss because while I wanted to claim what was mine like some barbarian, Britt was really fragile right now and I didn't want to be the asshole that made her cry right now.

_"As long as you know and I know that you are still my girlfriend, then I really don't care. When she is well...we can sit her down and explain but right now...let her think what she wants."_

I stared down at my scuffed up shoes and tried to process my own words.

Did I just give her permission to be with Britt?

Was I insane?

Or was I just used to shitty things happening to me?

Yep, that must be it.

* * *

Once Britt was awake, they moved her to a different room and her family was in and out of the room.

Her parents suddenly got really protective and asked us to leave.

They knew about us and I guess they didn't want it getting out to Britt.

Santana didn't even freak out like they seemed to think that she would, she just nodded glumly and wrapped her arm around my waist _._

 _"This sucks."_  She said before kissing my shoulder.

I didn't respond.

Not in the elevator, the car or the whole ride back to her parents' house.

Shock had set in.

I don't even remember pulling into the driveway and said a silent prayer of thanks that we had managed to get across town without an accident.

Her hand came down on my leg just as I turned the car off.

_"Q?"_

I looked over at her and watched as her eyebrows got all wrinkled.

_"Hmm?"_

_"This doesn't change anything. We can go if you want. Let her parents tell her...I can't break up with her again. It was hard enough the first time."_

_"Yea...you say that now but we both know that it's impossible for you to just leave her like that."_  I snapped before pushing the car door open.

_"Q...please...I need you."_

I looked at her again and saw more tears coming down.

I hated this.

* * *

_"What is it that you need exactly?"_

She shrugged as she licked her lips.

_"Tell me what to do...how do I fix this?"_

_"You can't...no matter what you do...someone gets hurt."_

I left that thought to marinate as I grabbed my purse and began to walk away from the Lopez house.

 _"Where are you going?"_  She called after me.

_"I just need time...please?"_

_"All you had to do..."_

I turned to look at her and for a long moment we just stood there, staring but then when I felt the urge to run to her, I turned my back and walked away.

My heart was being ripped from my chest and I needed to shove it back in.

Right now, I needed some quiet...just enough time to figure out how I needed to support her.

This couldn't be easy for her and I needed to try my best to accept it for what it was but first, I needed to reconcile my heart and my head.

* * *

That's how I found myself running the track back at McKinley.

And that's how I ended up explaining the whole ordeal to the only person that would listen.

Sam looked at me with those big eyes as he laid topless on the weight bench staring up a me.

 _"You should go back to Santana and let me deal with Brittany."_  He said as he sat up and began to wipe down his body.

_"Must you...I feel like I should be paying to watch this."_

_"Some women have...but you get this for free."_

I rolled my eyes as he winked at me.

_"Britt's not your responsibility...I don't think it's your place to tell her."_

He sighed and then looked up at me with sadness in his eyes.

_"Actually, I am responsible. She had just broken up with me...right before. I had upset her and she wasn't thinking straight...I owe it to her to be honest with her. Plus...I screwed up with you. Let me make it up to you?"_

_"You think you can do this and suddenly the pain of losing the baby will just vanish?"_  I growled, clenching and unclenching my hand.

_"NO. That's not what I meant. I just...I shouldn't have been an asshole to you and I feel horrible about it. I know that nothing can take the pain away but at least...I don't know...not let me add to it?"_

I rolled my eyes at his aloofness before nodding.

 _"On one condition."_ I said as I made my way over to the door.

_"What condition?"_

_"This was your idea...whatever happens after this doesn't come back to me. Got it?"_

He smiled and nodded.

_"Got it."_

* * *

When I got back to the house, it was dark.

There was a note from Maribel about leaving town for business and that Mr. Lopez was working a double shift tonight and wouldn't be back until early the next afternoon.

It looked untouched, which meant that Santana hadn't seen it.

My soul felt heavy as I made my way up the stairs.

There was a glow coming from San's room and when I pushed the door open, my jaw dropped.

Flameless candles were on every surface and there she was, knelt on the center of the bed surrounded by white petals in the shape of a heart.

Her eyes met mine and I could see the smirk on her face.

I guess that she had seen the note.

* * *

 _"Fuuuuuuckkkk!"_  I groaned as her lips worked their way between my legs.

I gripped her hair at the root and tugged gently as she brought me closer to the edge of bliss.

 _"Yyyyyyeessssssssssssssssss."_  I hissed as her fingers entered me.

I knew what this was.

She needed to prove the worth of her declarations, to me and to her herself.

And I did not mind.

* * *

Later when she was hovering above me with a glistening face and a big smirk, I couldn't help but smile back.

_"I love you so much, Q."_

_"Mmm...I saw."_  I joked.

I groaned when her knee rubbed against my soaked center.

_"What's the proper response to what I just said, Q?"_

Her teeth were suddenly nipping at my neck and I surrendered myself to her.

I realized that I would always surrender to her because she was mine and I was hers.

_"Oh San...I love you, baby...yes!"_

_"That feel good, Q?"_

_"Yes...please...fuck me?"_

_"Ask and you shall receive, novia."_


	18. Something I Need (One Republic)

* * *

I loved to watch her sleep.

That ever existing crease and worry on her face melted away and she returned to being the angel from my dreams.

I had come so close to losing her too many times now and if I had it my way...it wouldn't happen again.

Quinn had come to mean the moon and stars to me.

I couldn't lose that...I wouldn't lose her.

I didn't know if this was a forever thing but I knew that it could be.

Being with Quinn made me understand where I belonged.

I loved Brittany beyond measure and I never would want to forget that.

But I had to give this a chance.

Quinn had opened me up to a version of love that I had never known and now that I felt it, there was nothing short of death that could keep me from it.

* * *

The sun had barely risen as I quietly drove my car towards the hospital.

I had to do this now, so that I wouldn't lose my mind or my will.

My body was tired and so was my soul but this had to happen and it had to be me.

When I snuck into Britt's hospital room, I silently thanked God that my father being the chief surgeon had so much pull.

I took a moment to just take in her being awake and present.

She had restored my faith in life and God.

My prayers had been answered.

Even if we weren't together, I needed her to survive.

This life was just better with her in it.

She was all alone and in true Brittany fashion, she was already awake.

I stood in the doorway and watched as she scribbled in a notebook.

Not many people got to see this side of Britt, the side that was nerdy and poetic.

It was something that used to turn me on.

Now though it just made me nostalgic and happy.

* * *

_"Are you going to come in or are you just going to stand there and be creepy?"_

Not once had she lifted her head or stopped writing but she was hyper aware of my presence...like always.

I smiled to myself and took a deep breath as I moved completely into the room.

I sat in a chair and pulled it forward, so that I was as close to the bed as possible.

She was still looking away from me and it made my chest tighten up.

 _"Just do it."_  She whispered.

_"What do you mean, B?"_

_"Sam already beat you to it. He told me everything that I forgot. I've been expecting you."_

Her eyes finally raised and I could see how swollen her face was.

For a moment, I swear that my heart literally stopped.

Good job, Trouty!

* * *

 _"B..."_  I whispered as I reached forward and took her hand.

She gripped it tightly and then brought it to her lips, kissing it and then putting it against her chest.

I felt her heart beating under my fingertips and smiled.

There was no way that I would ever take her heart beat for granted.

_"I love you, Britt. That hasn't changed and it never will. You know that...right?"_

_"And yet you can't be with me."_  She sighed and threw her head back.

I watched silently as she broke apart right in front of me.

Her face wrinkled up and she shook almost violently with sobs.

When I first broke up with B, I had kissed her and walked away from her.

When she sent me to New York a few months later, she kissed me and walked away from me.

Neither one of us waited around to deal with the aftermath.

I didn't want things to be like that again.

* * *

She was mourning a relationship that we had built together.

And so I climbed in the bed and wrapped myself around her.

She sighed and buried her face against my neck and let me hold her.

We cried together and I never let her go.

By the time that the hospital was a buzz again, the tears had dried up and things felt different.

Better maybe?

 _"B?"_ I whispered as I pulled away just enough to look at her face.

She smiled softly at me and quickly wiped a stray tear away.

_"Don't you dare say that we can still be friends, Santana...I just can't do that right now. Please? Just...I need time."_

She needed space now and I got that.

There was no way that we could go back to being best friends right away.

I had thought that back in the choir room when I first broke her heart, that we were doing the mature thing but really...it was just stupid and short-sighted of me.

Evidenced by me showing up later to reclaim her like she was piece of property.

Epic failure on my part.

* * *

Things were different this time.

Whether better or not...it just felt like this was how this was supposed to happen.

It felt mature and respectful of our bond as friends and lovers.

_"Tell me that someday...when the time is right...that we can be close again, B."_

_"I hope so."_ She whispered before leaning forward and kissing my lips.

Our third goodbye kiss.

I kissed her back and then wrapped my arms around her once more.

_"I love you, Britt Britt."_

_"I love you too."_ She whispered as she hugged me back.

* * *

When I got back home, Q was sitting in the kitchen discussing politics with my father and laughing really loud.

The sound of her laugh gave me chills and made me smile.

It felt good.

Even if it was too soon.

I felt heavy and light at the same damn time so I just waved to them and then walked up the steps.

Suddenly, I was feeling exhausted.

Everything in the past couple of months had taken a toll on me.

It had all just been weighing on me and I needed to just rest and take it all in.

Hopefully, the sadness would go away soon.

God only knows how badly I need to just be happy again.

Sleep swallowed me within moments and I was never more grateful.

* * *

When her arms hugged me tight a while later, all the heaviness had lifted from me.

Her touch seemed to give me hope and relief simultaneously.

She was like a sedative.

_"You okay, San?"_

_"I will be."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"I hope so."_

_"It's over?"_

_"Yes...finally."_

_"So, what happens next?"_

_"We sleep for a bit and then we pack up and hit the road."_

_"Yea?"_

She couldn't disguise her happiness if she tried.

_"Yea...now let me sleep and maybe we can squeeze in a quickie before we leave."_

I laughed out loud when I heard her fake snoring seconds later.

* * *

I turned towards her and pressed kisses all over her face until she opened her eyes again.

After feeling all of that heaviness, I couldn't just throw away a light moment.

She just brought me so much joy.

And peace.

 _"I can't sleep with you doing that."_ She scowled before winking at me.

 _"I know."_ I whispered as I traced my fingers over her every outline.

 _"You don't care do you?"_ She cocked her eyebrow and smirked.

_"Nope."_

_"Did you need something?"_

I pressed my lips to her face again and then squeezed her tight.

_"Everything that I need is right here...with you."_


	19. Moving In the Dark (Neon Trees)

* * *

She had been serious about leaving after our nap.

When we woke up it was still early, not even afternoon.

I laid in the bed and just watched as she packed her suitcase and mumbled to herself.

 _"You look insane."_  I whispered.

Her hair was all over the place and her clothes were rumpled.

_"You weren't saying that five minutes ago when I was making you come for ten minutes straight."_

I rolled my eyes and curled against the bed.

_"Wake me when you're done."_

_"Sure."_

I closed my eyes and had begun to fall asleep when I was hit so hard that I got the wind knocked out of me.

 _"Fuck!"_  I groaned.

_"I'm done."_

_"You are such a bitch sometimes."_

She pouted as she brushed her hair and looked at me through the mirror.

_"Is that anyway to talk to your girlfriend?"_

_"When she's a bitch...absolutely."_

_"Well then I guess I should get used to it then."_

_"I guess you should."_

She smiled at me as she tossed her brush into her bag and then closed it.

I wasn't sure how long I had been asleep but from the looks of it, long enough for her to clean the room and change her outfit.

_"Should we say goodbye to your parents?"_

_"They left already...they left you a note and handed me a wad of cash. Papi said that I can take his extra convertible as long as I call him every time we stop."_

My jaw dropped.

_"Who just has an extra convertible sitting around?"_

She shrugged.

 _"Doesn't everyone?"_ She teased.

I rolled my eyes, amazed at just how spoiled someone from "Lima Heights Adjacent" really was.

Apparently being an only child had it's perks.

* * *

I had never driven a convertible before, Daddy believed in outward humility above all.

Thus the sundresses...the stupid red bug that I totaled...even my wheelchair had been donated by someone at church.

My parents had always cautioned me away from being around Santana away from school, because the Lopez family was anything but humble.

They were a family that wanted to project their status while still attending mass every Sunday.

Also, Santana was an only child so she kind of got away with anything when we were growing up.

I'm sure that if it had been her that got knocked up instead of me, she would be happily raising that kid with the full backing of her parents.

For that reason alone, I had always resented her.

Now though...as I zip down the highway blasting the stereo and speeding down the highway, I was grateful for her.

She was generous with everything that she had and seemed unfazed by how well off she was.

It was refreshing after spending time at Yale with the self entitled trust fund babies and legacy snobs.

California, just from the little bit of time that I spent there was more my style.

And knowing Santana, she would be the governor in a week.

She was a chameleon and could thrive anywhere but I had the feeling that being so close to Hollywood, would soon mean that she would be a sensation.

I had agreed with Sue for that reason alone, if anyone deserved to be successful and famous, it was Santana.

* * *

_"Why do you look constipated?"_

I looked at her sideways as we pulled into a hotel parking lot that night.

_"What?"_

_"This whole drive you have had this constipated expression and every time that I wanted to stop you just grunted through meals and then insisted on continuing to drive."_

_"We made good time, it's not even midnight and we are almost halfway."_

_"Yea...but what happened to adventure?"_

_"We will have plenty of adventures once we get to L.A...for now...I just want to get there."_

_"Can we at least see the Grand Canyon?"_

She sounded like a whining three-year old but the most priceless thing about it all was the pouting face that she made.

_"Fine...we can go to the Grand Canyon...anything else?"_

_"Yep...Disneyland and Lego Land...and all the lands that are fun."_

_"How old are you?"_

_"Fuck you Q, I like to have fun too...and as my girlfriend...you should encourage it."_

_"Fine. We can go anywhere you want...okay?"_

_"Yes!"_

* * *

The next morning, I got a shock to my system.

I woke up before the sun and walked into the hotel bathroom to find, Santana staring at her naked reflection in the mirror and crying.

_"San?"_

She quickly covered her chest and turned from me and the mirror.

_"What the fuck, Q...no knocking?"_

_"I uh...didn't think that I needed to."_

I watched as she kept one arm across her chest and used her opposite hand to wipe at her face.

_"Well...it would have been nice."_

I stepped closer and rubbed my hands up and down her arms.

 _"I'll keep that in mind."_ I whispered as I kissed her bare shoulder.

_"Yea...please...um...please do."_

She dropped her head and a shudder shook her.

_"San...what's wrong? Are you okay?"_

_"Can you...I just need some space right now...please?"_

_"What can I do?"_

She sighed and ran her hand through her hair before dropping it to her side.

 _"You can leave me the fuck alone...please?"_ She squeaked out.

_"Okay...I'm going to go into town. Okay?"_

_"Great...go."_

* * *

It went against every instinct that I had to just leave her like that...but I didn't know what else I was supposed to do.

Was it wrong to call someone about it?

My first thought was to call Brittany because if anyone could figure out what was up it would be her...but I figured that it was too soon to ask her for any favors.

But as I got into the car, my phone rang and it seemed that Brittany had taken the decision from me.

I sat in the car staring at the screen for longer than necessary before actually answering...kind of terrified to hear something that I didn't think I was ready to deal with at this time of morning.

But just before I was sure the call would be dropped, I swiped my thumb across the screen and lifted it to my ear.

God, give me strength.

* * *

_"Hi Britt."_

_"Hi, Quinn...do you have a minute?"_

_"Um sure."_

_"Is Santana near you?"_

_"Actually she's not...do you want her to be?"_

_"No, I need to just talk to you."_

_"Um, ok B. Whatever you want. What's up?"_

_"I need you to do me a favor."_

_"Oh. Okay...what is it?"_

_"Can you do your best to make sure she isn't ever alone for too long? There is some stuff about her that nobody really knows and while I pretended that the clingyness was because of me needing her...it was really her that needed me. She forgets to eat sometimes and every once in a while...and I mean it's super rare because she is usually always in control...but every once in awhile she gets really down on herself and does stupid things. Just...this breakup was hard on her too and I know she says that she loves you and that you two are happy but I still worry. So can you...just do that for me? Watch her?"_

I sat there staring up at the hotel with tears in my eyes.

What the fuck didn't I know?

Did she hurt herself?

What was I missing?

_"Yes...I'll take care of her, B. You have my word on that."_

_"Good. Anyway, I'm leaving the hospital today and so I need to go. Let me know when you get to California and that she's okay. Please?"_

_"Thank you, B. I appreciate this."_

_"Bye, Q."_

_"Bye."_

* * *

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to handle any of what she had just said but one thing was for sure...I needed to get my ass up to the room.

Suddenly, things about my best friend were clicking into place and I was understanding her a bit more.

I bowed my head and closed my eyes.

_"Dear God...I know you don't hear from me often but I just wanted to thank you for giving me what I needed just now. I was afraid to call her but then she reached out to me and made me see what I wasn't seeing. I love you. Help me to be what she needs Lord...even if you don't agree with us being together. I thank you for your grace and mercy. Amen."_

I was startled from my prayer a moment later when there was a harsh knock on the window.

When I looked up there was Santana just standing there, hair up and all made up.

She looked normal now and that made me anxious.

Was this how she was all the time when no one was paying attention?

Had I just caught her in a dark moment?

And then it came to me how I was always up after she was and so it was quite possible that she went to that dark place more than I had realized.

* * *

I must have zoned out because she knocked again and this time she looked really annoyed.

This time, I put the window down and then the top.

The sun was out and she had our bags hoisted over each shoulder, she must have checked out.

 _"Hey."_  I said with the best smile that I could muster.

_"You okay, Q?"_

_"I should be asking you that af-"_  She put up her hand and cut me off.

_"Don't...lets just forget about that. We should get on the road if we are going to make it to the Grand Canyon before it gets dark out."_

She didn't want to think about her problems and for now that was okay...but we would talk.

For now, I will just watch her...like Britt had asked.

What harm was in that?

Suddenly things were much more scary than they had been.

It was like moving in the dark when it came to her...like there was this whole part of her that I was going in to blindly.

Was I up for that kind of challenge?

I really had to wonder for a moment...

But then she was sitting next to me with a smile on her face as she synced her iPod to the car.

Right now, as much as I didn't want to...I was going to have to take a page from Brittany's book _._

 _"Drive, Q."_  She said as she rubbed my thigh.  _"Get me to that canyon before evening and I'll reward you big time."_  She winked and suddenly...I was ready for the challenge of figuring her shit out with her.

I would do anything for her...even if I couldn't see the next step...with her I felt like I could do anything.

Corny right?


	20. Last Hope (Paramore)

* * *

When we had started the day out, I had opened my eyes to pain.

Not just any pain though...seering unimaginable pain.

Quinn was still asleep and so I headed to the bathroom to check on the pain.

I had thought shutting the door and the fact that it was before sunrise, was enough to just have those few moments to myself.

But I was wrong.

I was already bottomless since I always wanted to be ready to go at it and so when I pulled my tank top off, I was naked.

My skin was paler than usual and my fingers were itching.

The pain came again and I hissed.

Without wasting another moment, I lifted my right boob and could see the sharp red lines along the surgery scar.

I had lost my sanity these last couple of weeks and this was evidence of that.

It was like returning to an unhealthy version of myself.

Old habits came back and I was ashamed to even acknowledge them.

Least of all to Q.

Things got too far but she hadn't noticed...thankfully.

I let my boob go and looked up into the mirror again...my cheeks were wet and my eyes were vacant.

I couldn't be this way...I needed to regain control.

But how?

 _"How?"_  I whispered out and I felt my body shake.

* * *

My skin felt raw and from the swelling that I had seen, I could tell that it was becoming infected.

My first aid kit was in my bag but I couldn't move just yet.

I could hear that Quinn was awake and even though I knew she'd come in, I was still offended when she did.

A big part of me was scared that she would see this part of me and hate me for it.

I chanced one last glance at myself and immediately broke down.

That's when she saw me and afraid that she would see my scars and cuts, I turned away from her.

I didn't know who I was in that moment...but I wasn't very proud of myself.

I was embarrassed and ashamed.

I just wanted her to love me...and if she saw this side of me...who knows if she would.

I couldn't take that chance.

And so, I made her leave

She didn't even fight it...which worried me even more.

Did she know?

And if she did...what should I do?

I was freaking out inside and so I finally caved and did the only thing that I could think of...the only thing that made sense.

* * *

 _"Hello?"_  She whispered.

 _"B?"_  I whispered back, as the sound of Quinn leaving the hotel room helped me to breathe a little better.

 _"What's wrong?"_ I whimpered and she paused.  _"What did you do?"_

_"Nothing...not...I'm okay."_

_"Promise me?"_

I knew that if I promised her that I was okay...that I would do every thing in my power to make it the truth.

I took a deep breath and slowly released it.

_"I promise."_

_"Good. I love you."_

_"I love you too, B."_

_"Talk to you soon?"_

_"Definitely."_

Once I hung up, I had a new resolve...I needed to be okay.

And so I would be.

The alternative was just unacceptable.

* * *

It was dark out as we pulled into New Mexico and immediately, I thought of B.

This was the place that she had been born.

I smiled to myself as we pulled into a motel.

I had made a promise...and it had been enough to keep me going.

The whole ride had been pleasant and I had managed to keep Q from her interrogations...but I was prepared to change that.

The first thing that I did when we got into the room was lock myself in the bathroom.

She didn't say a word.

Which really worried me.

Had she given up on me, already?

After a hot shower and a lot of prayer, I stepped out of the bathroom feeling insanely better.

Quinn sat in the center of the bed reading and smiling to herself.

She didn't look up until I was sitting in front of her...topless.

I reached out and touched her knee.

Her green eyes met mine and I could see her trying to smile.

But the smile didn't reach her eyes.

She hadn't given up and that just made this easier.

* * *

 _"Can we talk?"_ I asked softly.

She smiled and nodded swiftly.

_"Of course, babe."_

_"First off...I'm sorry that I've been such a psycho...I don't know what's gotten into me but I am going to work through it. I promise."_

She looked annoyed as she tossed her book to the side.

I watched as she pulled the covers back and then stretched her legs out.

_"Come sit with me, San."_

_"Huh?"_

_"If we are going to keep this conversation going, I need to be able to touch you and right now...that's not possible with you over there."_

I wanted to move, to give her what she wanted but I couldn't...not yet.

_"Q..."_

She held up her hand and shook her head.

_"Sometimes things just have to happen and right now you are trying control everything...so please come sit with me?"_

_"Okay...since you asked so nicely."_

* * *

She flashed me a smile and I melted.

The hurt was still there but her smile seemed to give me hope.

And right now it was keeping me from pitching myself into the canyon tomorrow.

 _"I love you."_ I whispered.

_"Of course you do."_

And for the first time...I let go of my control and released a huge laugh.

Yep...this definitely felt like hope.

And that felt better than breathing.

For now that was enough to keep me going.


	21. Quiet Your Mind (Zac Brown Band)

* * *

There was a strange popping and squealing noise in my head as she showed me what she had been doing to herself.

Years of scars...some so bad that the scars were raised.

It had started after the boob job...the pain had become a release but it got so bad at one point that she ended up in the hospital.

Her parents had her in counseling and apparently used to check her body for new scars.

At least that was until she started dating Britt openly.

She was happier and less reckless.

I fought tears as she spread ointment on the newest scratches.

They had scabbed over but they looked painful.

Right then, she was so far away from me, even with her knees touching my own.

* * *

 _"San?"_ I finally managed to squeak out.

 _"Hmm?"_  She said as she finally lifted her eyes to meet mine.

_"You don't...in L.A...it's you and me baby. I know pain. I know what it feels like to be filled with so much stuff that you could explode...I know what it's like to hold it all in..."_

She nodded and wiped at her cheek before flashing a small smile.

_"I know."_

_"Good."_ I leaned forward and held her face between my palms.  _"I want you to come to me...anytime that you feel dark and alone...come to me. Where you go, I go."_

 _"Yea?"_  She whispered.

_"Definitely."_

* * *

Her lips pressed soft, sweet kisses along my neck as I buried my hand in her tangle of curls.

 _"I love you. I love you. I love you."_  I whispered as I ran my fingers over her back.

 _"Promise me?"_  She finally said as she hovered over me.

_"I promise you...that I will always unequivocally love you until my last breath."_

We were silent as we stared into the other's eyes.

There were sparks between us in that moment that would go unmatched in our lives.

She was me and I was her...together or apart.

* * *

 _"Harder."_ I groaned as she slipped her fingers inside of me.

_"Like this?"_

And then she slammed into me so hard that my body practically lifted from the mattress.

 _"Oh...YES!"_  I screamed out.

After that the pounding of the headboard mixed with our panting was all that could be heard as we loved.

Exhausted and sated we climbed into the shower at sunrise feeling like different people.

Before she could speak a single word, I gripped her cheeks and pressed my lips to hers.

I wanted all of her pain and sadness...I wanted to light all of her darkness.

It was strange how much I was willing to do for her.

But it all made perfect sense.

She was just everything that I wanted and I wanted to be everything that she needed.

* * *

The canyon had been a big hole in the ground and after seeing it and taking pictures of it...she was over it.

Thankfully.

My parents had brought me to that stupid hole in the ground every year until I was twelve.

I hadn't wanted to spoil that for her.

Once we were back on the road, we enjoyed the heat of the sun and the ride.

At one point while she was driving she was squirming in her seat and asked me to go down on her...and so I did.

It was the scariest experience of my life but the sound of her breathing and cursing was enough to make me cum without even being touched.

* * *

I had been exhausted when we finally got to the beach house but she wanted to go down to the beach.

With her in such high spirits and that bit of darkness still in her eyes...I couldn't say no.

Instead, I took her hand in mine and happily walked towards the shore with her.

The water bubbled around our feet as we watched the sunset.

She swayed a bit and grinned.

_"Are you happy, Q?"_

_"With you...I know nothing else but happy, San."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yea."_

_"This...it's amazing."_

_"It is."_

_"Do you want to go have hot sex now?"_ She suddenly turned to me with a grin.

_"All you had to do was ask."_


	22. No Room For Doubt (Lianne La Havas)

* * *

_**I got into Julliard! :D-Britt Britt** _

_**Amazing, B!-San** _

_**Call me later?-Britt Britt** _

_**You got it!-San** _

_**Sweet!-Britt Britt** _

Britt was super excited and so was I.

I mean after Britt failed to graduate last year, I was pretty sure that when she did manage to graduate...college wouldn't be an option for her.

I know...horrible...right?

Now though...she would be headed to New York.

My heart was feeling light and full of both admiration and pride.

* * *

I sat there on the edge of the bed with Quinn's cold ass feet touching my bare back and smiled to myself.

We were in that stage where everything was adorable.

Thankfully.

I looked over my shoulder at her and could see that me moving hadn't waken her up and so I decided to take this opportunity to call Britt.

Of course though, Quinn was ever observant, even in sleep.

As I opened the bedroom door, I heard her clear her throat.

Maybe she wasn't as knocked out as I had thought that she was.

When I looked back she was rubbing the crust from her eyes and climbing off the bed.

* * *

 _"Is everything okay?"_  She mumbled as she stood there stretching.

I smiled as I watched her move as if Sue was watching.

Once a Cheerio, always a Cheerio.

I walked back over to her and rested my hand on her shoulder before dropping a kiss on her cheek.

_"I'm fine, Q. Everything is okay. I was just going to make coffee and call Britt."_

_"Oh."_

Something crossed her face that resembled jealousy but she quickly put on a mask of indifference.

I think she forgets how long and how well, I know her.

No matter how much time passed, I knew that Q would always compare herself to Britt.

Obviously, I wasn't helping matters.

She needed to remember who she was to me.

And so I tossed my phone on the bed and then brought my other hand around her waist.

She was looking past me as I pulled her body against me.

But I didn't let that stop me.

Her heart was sinking and I couldn't let that happen.

* * *

_"How about you and I shower...then we can call her together...she has exciting news."_

Quinn looked up at me and gave me a small smile.

She saw my effort and just from the look in her eyes...I could see that she appreciated it.

But that didn't wipe away her doubts.

_"Um...are you sure? I don't want to bothe-"_

I put my finger to her lips and shook my head.

_"Don't. I'm yours...you're all I need."_

_"Okay."_

_"Say it."_

She looked up at me and bit her lip.

I used my thumb to pull her poor, tortured lip from between her teeth and then smiled at her.

_"Say it, Q."_

She gave me a small smile and then let out a harsh breath.

_"I'm all that you need."_

_"Say it again...with feeling."_

She sighed and gave a cocky smile before repeating herself.

_"I'm all that you need."_

_"Good...now, go get naked and all wet, while I go put the coffee on!"_

I didn't wait for her response as I turned away.

But that didn't stop her from tossing a pillow at my ass.

Things were still in a delicate place between us and it took all of the patience that I possessed, for me to make things okay...but I was trying.

Really fucking hard...and when I could make her smile and goof around like this...I knew that it was starting to work.

Thankfully.

* * *

The conversation with Britt turned out to be pretty fun.

In a very strange way.

Britt and Quinn spent most of the time talking about all the fun things that she could do in New York and how she should definitely come and spend the summer with us.

Neither one of them bothered to ask me how I felt about any of it.

If they had...things wouldn't have gotten so far.

But of course...I was outnumbered.

I wasn't sure how I felt about their plans but they both seemed pretty excited about them, so I didn't complain, at least not until we hung up the phone.

And when I did finally complain...it wasn't even immediately.

Maybe that was part of the problem.

* * *

Quinn went off and met with her school advisor while I cleaned the house and thought about everything.

And obviously, since I was all alone for those few hours...my mind kept going over the conversation until I had analyzed it from every possible angle.

Papi says that I get that from him...that I have the disposition of a surgeon...

And now that I had cleaned everything to pristine condition and planned out every detail of the conversation that I was about to have...

I was starting to agree with him.

I had even decided to go out to the beach so that it would be a more casual conversation...

But you know how people make plans and God laughs?

Yea...I'm pretty sure that he had a bucket of popcorn and was fucking hysterical at this point!

* * *

We were lounging on the beach later that afternoon...

Quinn had her head on my lap with her lips pressed against my stomach as I looked at the big ocean.

Things were calm.

But they didn't stay that way.

The water crashed against the sand and the rocks and I couldn't help but take deep calming breaths.

The darkness was there under the surface...and so was the anger...but I was trying to control them.

Was I making a big deal out of everything?

Had my thoughts driven me crazy?

I kept trying my best to remember how much I loved her.

I tried to ignore how Quinn never does anything spontaneously...not after being spontaneous got her pregnant...twice.

All of my questions and doubts clouded my judgement and my mind.

Everything that followed was just one mistake after another.

* * *

_"Q?"_

_"Hmm?"_  She said before kissing my stomach for the hundredth time.

_"What was up with you inviting Britt for the summer?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

Another kiss.

It was like she was trying to distract me.

And I couldn't let that happen...I needed answers or I was going to fucking lose my mind.

So I nudged her head until she sat up.

Our thighs touched as she faced me with her face looking so fucking calm.

_"Okay...enough. I know you, Q. I know that you are up to something. Give up the tapes. I don't like all of this deceptive shit...spill."_

I crossed my arms over my chest and cocked my eyebrow, all tough and shit and in the next moment.

She just smiled and pulled her glasses from her face.

And just like that...my resolve completely crumbled and I dropped my arms.

Ladies and gentlemen...I present to you, the reason that I never made it to captain of the Cheerios with Quinn around.

Bitch.

* * *

_"A threesome? You can't be serious."_

Quinn looked at me with her lip between her teeth again.

_"I was considering it...just so you could get over her."_

_"I AM over her."_

_"You're not."_

_"Fuck you, Quinn Fabray."_

_"See what I mean...if you were...you wouldn't be getting so upset."_

And then my hand went flying...right across her cheek.

She gasped and looked at me with watery eyes.

Fuck!

I stood to my feet immediately and walked away from her...I wasn't sure how much further my temper would get but I didn't want to be that type of girlfriend.

The abusive kind.

Straddling the fine line between sparring frenemies to girlfriends was harder than we had both realized.

Things that used to be acceptable were no longer good ways to fight.

This was a new low for me...

As friends, she would have slapped me back and we would have been done...but right now...as I storm away from her...I can tell that she isn't following.

This was bad.

How was I supposed to fix this?

* * *

I was gripping the edge of the counter and resting my head against the cabinet as I took deep breaths.

My anger was coursing through me like poison and it had pushed me to the brink of being abusive.

Shit...I was already there.

The door swung open and then there were heavy footsteps towards the bedroom...and then the door slammed.

She was pissed.

 _"Fuck."_  I muttered as I took a step back and tried to breathe.

My hand traveled to my chest as my breaths came out rushed and shallow.

A panic attack.

Just fucking great!

I dropped to my knees and counted backwards from twenty and then backwards from thirty...and then fourty...and finally...halfway through the counting...my breathing slowed down.

A sob broke from me as I fell apart on the kitchen floor.

My fists pounded against the hardwood and I screamed at the top of my lungs.

The darkness had taken over.

Just my luck.

How did I get here?

And how the fuck was I supposed to fix this?


	23. Halcyon (Ellie Goulding)

_"How are things with Santana?"_

_"Good...I think that she is finally getting over Britt. We even called her this morning and I invited her for the summer."_

_"Wow...you don't think that it's too soon?"_

_"Look...if they are going to get back together, its going to happen and there is nothing that I can do to stop it, whether it's tomorrow, next month...or three years down the road. Frankly...I would like to know. I love her but I just can't afford to be strung along."_

_"And she's okay with you inviting Britt?"_

_"Sure...actually...I'm not sure."_

_"Don't get discouraged, baby mama...maybe San will be down for a threesome."_

_"Doubt it...and I'm definitely not."_

_"Don't knock it before you try it."_

_"There are just moments in life when you realize what you will and won't stand for and sharing what's mine...is not something that I stand for and as evidenced by the fight that I have gotten in with San over you...I think she feels the same way."_

_"If you say so."_

* * *

Looking back on my afternoon and where it went wrong...running into Puck on the way home was probably the driving force behind everything going belly up.

Inviting Britt had been innocent on my part and if I had realized how much it would bother Santana...I never would have done it.

But trying to joke about a threesome was definitely a mistake.

My mistake.

Joking around with her was something that I always did...but I guess I underestimated how serious that conversation was for her.

I could easily sit here and be pissed about her hitting me but looking back on it...I had it coming.

She was being serious...talking to me like her girlfriend and I responded like Puckerman.

She couldn't see past her hurt and lashed out.

And when she recoiled and stormed away, I didn't do anything to stop her.

So now I sit here in this room feeling guilty.

I stood to my feet, resolved to fix things when I heard her scream.

My blood ran cold.

Suddenly, I was planning how to castrate Puck and where to stash his body...he had gotten under my skin and now I pushed her too far.

What now?

* * *

Seeing Santana curled up on the floor angrily scratching at her arm and clenching her eyes closed made my stomach turn inside out.

Fuck!

I walked past her and drenched a rag in cool water before kneeling beside her.

 _"San?"_  I whispered as I began to softly wipe the scratches on her arm.

 _"I'm sorry."_  She croaked as she laid flat on her back looking up at me. _"I'm so fucking sorry."_

I had forgotten about my cheek until she reached up and grazed her fingers over my flesh.

Flinching would have made this worse so I bit back a whimper and continued to clean the long scratches on her arm.

_"Don't apologize...I should be the one apologizing. I messed with your head when you were being serious. I messed up."_

Her eyes went wide with realization...and suddenly her temper was back as she bit into her fist.

I was pressing hard on her arm now and climbing over her.

 _"Get off!"_ She yelled.

_"San please...I said something stupid while you were vulnerable...please stop fighting...stop blaming yourself."_

I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it.

She was reading my face now and I tried my best to stay open.

After a long moment she sighed in frustration.

 _"Get off, Q."_ She said quieter this time.

 _"I'm sorry."_  I said again and then I watched her deflate as she pulled her arm from me.

She covered her face and took deep breaths as I straddled her hips.

She was counting now.

_"San?"_

_"Get the fuck off me!"_

I didn't want her to be pissed anymore than she already was and so reluctantly, I climbed off her.

Now what?

* * *

I was like a statue.

Seeing Santana looking so defeated...because of me...because of my stupidity made me reevaluate the way that I approached this relationship.

She was my woman not my friend.

She was a woman not a stupid boy.

I couldn't treat her like I treated other people who I had dated in the past.

Manipulation was something I could do deaf, mute, and blind.

And now it was coming back to bite me.

That's what that  _"joking"_ had been about.

I had turned Puck's words into a test and it backfired.

Now that I had confessed, I was forced to watch as she moved around me in a daze.

Where I manipulate...Santana calculates and that had always scared the shit out of me.

There is no feeling worse than knowing you fucked up and not knowing where you stand with her.

Sitting there watching as she cleaned up the mess that she made, I felt stuck and alone.

A whole hour I watched as she moved around the house.

She made dinner...she ate in silence and then she showered.

I even had to suffer through her watching two reality shows in Spanish.

But I would wait for her to be ready...in the meantime...I didn't want her to be alone.

Twisted, right?

* * *

I was dozing off on the sofa when I finally felt something cool touch my face.

Half asleep, I forgot not to flinch.

She had hit me harder than any other time in the past and knowing my skin, I had a bruise.

_"Regardless of the circumstance...I shouldn't have hit you. It won't happen again."_

I opened my eyes and looked at her cool expression as she held the cold pack to my face.

Should I speak?

How was I supposed to act?

 _"I'm sorry."_ I finally croaked out.

She took my hand and brought it up so that I could hold the ice pack.

_"Keep that there until it feels numb and then take it off until your skin feels hot and then put it back on."_

She stood to her feet and that's when I noticed that she had her jacket on.

* * *

 _"Where are you going?"_  I asked.

_"I have a meeting. Don't wait up...it could be awhile?"_

She began to head out the door but then I jumped to my feet.

 _"A meeting?"_ I said as I followed her to the door.

_"Don't harass me, Q. I need to be away from you right now...just respect my space...like I respect yours."_

She went to push the door open but I stepped in front of her.

Her eyes burned through me.

 _"Are we over?"_  I asked as I brought my hand to her arm.

_"When I get back...we can talk about that...about everything. No joking or manipulating. Just talking. Right now though...I need time. Please?"_

There was a slight whine to her voice and so I nodded and stepped back, opening the door in the process.

 _"All you had to do was ask."_  I whispered.

She walked off without sparing me a glance.

This was bad.

Please God...help me make this better?

Please?


	24. So Simple (Alicia Keys)

* * *

I have never been one to rely on other people for my opinions.

When I screw up, I have learned to just internalize those feelings but now that I am stuck in this situation with Santana...

And by situation, I mean me forgetting that she is my girlfriend and treating her like just a friend.

Like just another person that I could manipulate...

But things were different...she was different.

Things were just so easy in the beginning...just sex...just fun and then all the stuff in Lima and things changed.

And that's because I had let them.

My own insecurities had gotten in my way and now I needed to change that...

I wanted her.

That was the single truth that I was basing everything on from now on.

And when Quinn Fabray wants something...nothing can stop me.

* * *

I wish that I could say that Santana came back to the house that night and everything was normal again.

But that would be a lie.

She didn't come home that night or the night after or for a week after that.

I would text her and she wouldn't respond and when I called, I was immediately forwarded.

How was I supposed to fix things with her, if I couldn't talk to her?

And then the person that helped to get me in this mess...found me lingering outside my job with my third cigarette dangling between my lips.

 _"There you are!"_  He said, as if I hadn't been working the same shift, at the same job for months now.

The very same shift, might I add, that he had shown up to and helped me to sabotage my relationship.

But I didn't respond with any of that snarky bullshit...it reminded me too much of her.

 _"Hi, Noah."_  I said with my coldest voice without giving him more than a passing glance.

_"Yo, you have got to talk to your girl. She is seriously cramping my style."_

Suddenly his presence was necessary.

 _"I don't follow."_  I said as I blew out smoke rings just like San had taught me.

_"She showed up a week ago...looking like shit and so I took her in...thought that she would be a good wing man but she is just a bitch instead."_

_"Yea?"_  I chuckled but he didn't seem too amused.

* * *

Puck went on complaining until my break was over and then I sent him on his way.

What had started out as a crappy day, had suddenly turned into something worth saving.

I clocked out early and then headed across the city.

This couldn't wait.

My hopes were high and I knew that if I didn't do this now, then my nerves would be shot.

On the way, I had stopped by a flower shop and convinced the florist that while it was unconventional to buy just one flower...I was willing to pay the price for a whole bouquet, if he would just let me buy one.

And so he rolled his eyes and brought me what I had asked for.

It was perfect.

* * *

When I got to Puck's apartment, I could hear the music blasting through the door.

Had it been hard rock, I would have just left because seeing Puck twice in one day was something of the past for me.

But it was Alicia Keys and apparently...Santana.

I closed my eyes and smiled to myself as I listened to the casual rasp in her voice...a rasp that made my skin tingle.

God, how I had missed that.

My hand was sweaty as I balled up my fist and knocked on the steel door.

The music was turned down and then I heard soft footsteps.

I couldn't help my smile as the door cracked open and a single brown eye looked at me.

 _"Are you lost?"_  She mumbled.

 _"No...can I...um...come in?"_  I said as I cleared my throat.

The door slammed and I took a step back...what now?

Just as I was turning away, the door slid open and I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my head.

And so I turned around.

* * *

You know that moment, when you expect one thing...well dread one thing and then suddenly everything gets even worse and the first feeling isn't so bad?

No?

Well that has been my life...like always.

But when I turned around and she was standing there in skin-tight jeans and a tank top with her wet hair dangling around her face, it took my breath away.

Suddenly, I wasn't dreading this...and all the words that I had been hoping to say floated away, replaced by new and better ones.

I held my hand out and waited for her to shake it.

And to my surprise she did.

She quirked her eyebrow up and was about to deliver some smartass comment but I smiled and spoke first.

_"Hi, Santana. I'm not sure that you remember me, my name is Quinn Fabray. You and I went to high school together back in Ohio. I was the school's biggest bitch and you were this unattainable hot, smart girl that I didn't stand a chance of getting. I was a prude and manipulative and so were you...well the second part. It seemed like you were always taken and it seemed like I was always going through something. I have admired you from the moment that I met you and I knew that if I ever got a chance that I would cherish you with everything in me. I'm not sure where you are in your life right now but I knew that I couldn't go another day without asking out the girl of my dreams. I was wondering if you would do me the honor of going out on a date with me...tonight."_

She stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and a small smirk on her face.

This was me asking to start over.

Asking to do this the right way.

She had been showing me the parts of her that she didn't show anyone and I had been treating her exactly the same.

But now...I didn't want to do things that way.

* * *

 _"Tonight?"_  She said, breaking my thoughts.

_"Yes at six."_

_"Hmm...and is that for me?"_  She asked and then suddenly, I remembered the wilting flower in my other hand.

It looked pitiful but she seemed enamored with it as I held it out to her.

_"Yes...I picked it out myself."_

_"I love tulips."_  She said as she brought it to her nose and inhaled.

I hadn't known that.

But luck was apparently on my side.

 _"So will you go out with me?"_  I asked again.

She smirked and just when I thought that she would answer with our usual response...she switched it up and showed me that she was willing to go along with this new change.

_"Yes...I would be honored to go out with you Quinn. Pick me up at six?"_

_"I'll see you then."_

As I was turning to leave...she said one last thing in a raspy voice that made my hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

_"Nice ass, Fabray."_


	25. Already In (Jon McLaughlin)

* * *

Puck's musty old couch was not my first preference, especially not over Sue's beautiful beach house but I had needed that time away from Quinn.

Starting a new relationship with someone who I have known for half of my life was a challenge that we both failed.

There was no way that I could put it all on her and the fact that I hit her and felt angry enough to do it again, scared the shit out of me.

Leaving that house and heading to anger management like Papi had suggested when I had called him that night in tears, was the smartest thing that I could have done.

Had I not gone to that anger management meeting...

I wouldn't have found an amazing shrink to talk me through my problems

And I definitely would NOT have been able to be so nice to Q when she showed up at Puck's apartment.

Knowing those two things...I definitely don't see myself stopping.

Not when she is way too valuable a person to lose.

* * *

My natural response normally would have been to snap at her for showing up unannounced

But when I pulled that door open and I saw that look on her face...

The same look that she had after she found out that she was pregnant in high school...

The same look that she had after the rug was pulled from under her when Finn found out that it was Puck's baby...

The same look that she had after she gave up that baby and then years later when she lost another baby...

It was a look of fear, sadness, disappointment, remorse and shame.

Never in a million years did I think that was a look that would be directed at me.

I don't know what happened in my chest in the next moment but it felt like an explosion.

There was no way that I could hurt her...not after seeing that look.

* * *

She held her hand out to me and because I have already been conditioned by Brittany to go along with random moments

Compounded by the fact that I was urged by my therapist to let people prove to me just how amazing they could be...

I immediately reciprocated the action.

I wasn't disappointed.

Add that to the sweet words that followed the handshake and I was resisting urges that had me really considering fucking her right in that hallway.

But I knew that her standing in front of me, baring her organic self to me was something different.

This wasn't about sex anymore.

Even if at the last moment...my eyes and mouth were in agreement at just how fantastic her ass looked in her red sun dress.

Oh well...can't expect me to change over night...right?

Despite my momentary crudeness, I had to try this new way of doing things...

Who knew that both of us wanting to be together, could be so hard?!

Not me...

All I knew was that she was worth it.

* * *

_"You look insanely fuckable, Lopez!"_

I rolled my eyes as I put the finishing touches on my makeup to match my demure yet formfitting dress.

I wanted to be hot but I also wanted to show Q a different side of myself and so shopping had been in order.

And seeing the reaction that Puck had, I knew that I picked the right look.

Puck sat on the couch, drinking a beer, half watching a baseball game while leering at me.

_"From you...that's a compliment...so I won't kick your ass for it."_

_"Gee thanks!"_

_"No problem, now, eyes off, Creeper."_ I smirked.

_"I'm serious...this toned back look on you is really hot. I think you look beautiful, Santana."_

I wanted to be a smart ass but then I looked at him and could see a small smile on his face.

He was being sincere and it touched me...even if the staring was unnerving.

_"Okay, I get it...thanks...now seriously...you're getting creepy...eyes on the tv."_

There was knock on the door and I saw that as usual, Q was on-time.

Thankfully, saving me from more awkward moments with Puck.

 _"I'll get that...do you want me to give her the hands off speech?"_  He asked over his shoulder.

_"Fuck this date up...and you won't be getting any ass in the foreseeable future, Puckerman."_

_"Point taken."_

* * *

The ride to the restaurant was filled with us acting like this was the first conversation that we had ever had.

We talked about tulips and why I loved them.

Spoiler...they smell good.

We talked about our dreams.

About her starting school in a few weeks.

We talked about me thinking of joining her at UCLA.

Pretty much, we told each other the things that we kind of knew about already but that we hadn't really discussed.

It was nice and light.

Of course, we both knew that we would have to eventually acknowledge our past but it was a relief to just be normal for a little while.

It was nice to know that normal was even an option.

No power plays or overtly sexual gestures happened...

Just me and Q, talking.

It was refreshing.

* * *

Things between me and Q continued to go smoothly on our date.

Our first real date, at a real restaurant.

And she was an absolute gentleman.

Or woman?

She pulled out my chair, she ordered for me, paid the bill and when I accidentally spilled my water across the table, she just smiled and made a joke about it.

No snide comments or cold glares that she was famous for...just a joke and a smile.

From the outside, it was a normal date but for us it was an achievement.

Because of course...both me and Q are not the nicest people.

We are bitches by nature so the niceties, while...well...nice, weren't genuine after a while.

It started to feel like we were tip toeing around each other...which was not so nice.

Plus, I could see that it was hurting her not to talk about what had broken us apart in the first place.

So, as the person that left after breaking down and...after saying that we WOULD talk about things...I took the initiative.

Because it only seemed right.

* * *

She had just finished paying the tab and was holding my hand as we exited the restaurant, when I decided that I needed to turn things around.

But it wasn't until we were walking to the car that I realized just how close the beach was.

And then I was thinking about the last time that I was on the beach...it was with her.

Enough was enough...

I couldn't play nice anymore...

Q had been on her way to the car but I stopped...and since I still had her hand...she stopped by default.

Her beautiful eyes looked at me in confusion and a small amount of irritation.

That's my girl.

* * *

 _"What's wrong?"_ She asked.

I sighed and looked towards the beach before looking back at her.

_"I'm ready to talk...like really talk about things...if you are."_

She dropped my hand and ran her hands through her hair before dropping them limply at her sides.

 _"I don't want to argue, Santana."_  She said with a nervous smile on her face.

_"Me either...so let's not argue."_

_"Things were going so well."_

_"And they still are...right?"_

She nodded and then took my hand again.

_"How about we end this date...properly and then you come home and we can talk until we are blue in the face."_

_"What do you mean by properly? Because...I don't put out on the first date."_

She blushed as if she hadn't slept with me before and then stepped closer.

My skin was suddenly hot and my mouth was dry.

How did she have this effect on me?

I stood there dumbfounded as she dropped the octave in her voice and winked.

_"Well, I was just hoping for a goodnight kiss, would that be okay?"_

I was grinning like an idiot and then so was she.

Maybe changing EVERYTHING wasn't necessary.

Because in the next moment...I was thinking of all the good things that we had been through in the last few months and then the words that had become a habit had slipped out.

_"All you had to do was ask."_


	26. Sight of the Sun (Fun.)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

She surprised me.

Every single time that I was completely convinced that she would snap at me or explode...she proved me wrong.

And it was a good sign.

Things were just going so well for us, which is why I was so nervous for this date to end.

But it had to.

I was still hurting.

Yes...I had fucked up but so had she.

There was no way that I wanted to compare who was hurting more because I have learned from experience that line of thinking, fixed absolutely nothing.

So I just kissed her.

Ending the perfect date with the perfect bit of sweetness.

* * *

When we pulled up to the beach house, she put her hand on my leg and smiled at me.

_"Do you mind if we head straight down to the beach, Q?"_

_"Okay."_

Her lips curved up and she nodded.

_"Good."_

I could practically hear the wheels spinning in her head.

That should have worried me.

I should have a plan...but I had learned my lesson.

No more planned conversations.

Off the cuff or not at all...

All or nothing.

It was practically Santana's motto and I understood it better than anyone.

Baby or no baby...

College or no college...

Santana or...

See that's where I get stuck because there is no other option for me anymore.

She is all that I wanted.

* * *

San held my hand from the moment that our bare feet hit the sand.

It was yet another good sign.

She gave me hope with every gesture.

_"I love you, Quinn."_

Her words caught me off guard but that was a good thing.

Love.

Not only is love blind but it blindsides you.

Like right now.

I smiled as I looked over at her.

She was the biggest sign of all.

It was like she was a beacon and God was showing me that I was finally at home with her.

Finally able to let down my guard and just open up to her.

I watched her.

And I was mesmerized by everything.

Like how the setting sun made her skin glow or how the light breeze made her hair swirl behind her.

* * *

My heart was racing and my lips hurt from the intense grin that I was currently sporting.

This was the effect that she had on me.

She was the best distraction from my manipulations.

I didn't need them with her.

She was here...and completely open to me.

Wanky, right?

_"I love you the most, Santana,"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The most.

Unlike me, Quinn has this huge family, a baby out there and well her first love, herself...but she loves me...the most.

No pressure...right?

Even if there was...I could take it.

She was worth it.

At the end of the day...Quinn would always be worth it.

Nothing could change that.

* * *

I knew that I was blushing as I brought us to the shoreline.

The water was slowly rising and it was just cold enough to keep my mind in the present.

_"I..."_

We had continued to walk along the water with our hands clasped as I tried to find the words.

But many times, I find that Quinn knows me better than I realize.

 _"We are both sorry..."_  She said before I could allow an apology to cross my lips.

 _"We are."_  I answered.

_"I want us to be better than who we used to be, San. I don't want to define who you are and I don't want to be defined...not anymore."_

_"Yea."_  I muttered lamely...those were my words...out of context, but my words nonetheless. _"I was stupid to tell you that."_

 _"What do you mean?"_ She said with her face all worried and her poor lip trapped between her teeth.

_"You should want to be defined...at least, for the better...that's what a relationship is all about, Q...allowing definitions to happen...girlfriend, lover, best friend, hero, savior...sex God."_

She smiled and nodded.

_"I see what you mean."_

_"Right...it's good to be defined sometimes."_

_"Is now one of those times?"_

I took a moment to honestly think about that.

Did I want her to define me...define this thing?

_"Absolutely."_

* * *

She looked skeptical.

_"So you want to be defined...so that...what...so we know where we stand."_

_"Exactly...we had the title but things weren't really clear between us. And I think that's where we went wrong."_

_"Yea, I agree. I think that I realized that. It's why I wanted to take you on a date. To try and make things better...to make them...right."_

_"I know."_

_"I was insecure and pushed you past a limit. I don't entirely understand what made you lose control like that...and I probably never will but I knew, deep down that I was triggering something. And it was wrong. You may have scars...just know that, I do too. I'm damaged goods too...and I forget my worth. I can get ahead of myself...and often times I have both sides of the conversation in my head before it even happens. I thought you would leave me for someone purer...cleaner. Unblemished."_

_"And yet...that doesn't scare me away. Knowing all of that...just makes me want you even more. Britt isn't unblemished. She has her own darkness...she just chooses to embrace the light...something that you and I are trying to figure out...she does naturally. That doesn't mean that I want to leave your heaviness for her light. That part of my life is over. I don't want to go back..."_

_"No?"_  She stopped in place and turned to me.

And I just smiled and rested my hands on her waist.

Her green eyes were intense as she stared at me with her full attention.

She wanted answers and I would try my best to make my intentions clear.

* * *

_"No, Q...you didn't scare me away."_

_"Then what made you run scared like a..."_ She looked away and I chuckled.

_"You can say it...like a little bitch...I ran away..."_

She pursed her lips like Mami does when she is biting back her words and I smiled.

They say you end up with your mom and for me...that's an achievement...and I never saw that in B...but right now...I was seeing it.

And it made me proud...

_"Just tell me why, San."_

_"It wasn't the way that you are that scared me away, Q."_

_"Then what was it?"_

Admitting my faults has always been hard for me.

Even when I know that I'm wrong or that I might be judged for it.

But for her...I had to be honest.

I couldn't expect her to give me full disclosure and be sincere, if I wasn't.

* * *

 _"Me. I scared me away."_ She looked surprised while I had thought it was obvious. Just goes to show how relative perceptions can be. I sighed and tried to say things right. _"Slapping you wasn't me treating you like my frenemy. That was me hitting you...my girlfriend...and resisting the urge to do it over and over. It was wrong. I was wrong and I fucking scared myself. I can't go from hurting myself to hurting you. I don't want to be that person. I can't...I love you, Q...and that's not love."_

 _"Things just got out of hand."_  She said with a slight irritation. _"I'm no battered woman, San."_

_"That's what they all say and I just couldn't take that chance. I needed to step back before I lost you and myself. I get that you were joking now and you were right...I wasn't...ready for her to be here. I still love her and I didn't want to take my frustration for loving her out on you. If I didn't stop myself then...who knows how bad it could have been. Does that make sense?"_

_"I didn't know...it was that bad."_

_"I always will love, B and it was just too soon to be making those kinds of jokes for me...and I exploded in a very bad way. You pushed...not realizing how bad I was...and I should have communicated that to you instead of hitting you...instead of just leaving. Even if you make jokes...that can't be how I react. I don't care how angry I get."_

_"You're right...I pushed and it was like poking a bruise...I get it. I'm sorry."_

_"Don't apologize...we just have to communicate and I have to continue therapy...maybe even you can go with me."_

_"I'd like that."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yea."_

* * *

We were walking back towards the house in silence and I kept replaying the conversation.

And something stuck out.

I stopped our walking and turned to her again.

She raised her eyebrow and I smiled really huge.

_"What?"_

I couldn't hold back my smile because without knowing it...she gave herself away.

_"You talked to Brittany."_

Her eyebrows shot up and she rolled her eyes.

_"What?"_

_"Since I've been gone...you talked to B."_

She was sputtering now and I was just smirking at her.

Of course, she had called her...

I should have known.

_"How did you know?"_

_"The poking bruise thing...she told me that once...the night after I performed Nutbush she called me and told me that she wanted me to let her go and to give her space...that me being around was like poking a healing bruise."_

She blushed and I couldn't hold myself back...I saw it now.

I wasn't ready to joke around with her and B together...but that didn't mean that she and Q weren't still friends.

Their friendship was still there and someday, I would appreciate that even if right now it was still too soon.

Relationships were about give and take.

And we were both takers...that had to change.

I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Q.

 _"What happens now...should I not talk to her?"_  She mumbled against my shoulder.

_"She just can't be in the middle...we can't go running to her anymore, Q. Not right now."_

_"I know."_

_"So how do you want to do this...how can we be together...like for realz."_  I said with a wink.

_"Just like this...put everything out on the table...and no poking bruises."_

She winked at me and I smiled back.

It felt like we had turned a page.

* * *

We talked long into the night.

And we figured out a lot about each other.

We both wanted the same things...and we both wanted to give this a fair shot.

And so together we decided to take it one day at a time.

Because while we may have jumped into sex and then a relationship and moving in together...we really need to ease into being a couple.

She couldn't be the girl that I was willing to cut down all the time just so that I could make it to the top of the pyramid...and I couldn't be her rival.

We couldn't have a completely fresh start and that was okay with me.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

My point of reference for relationships is my parents.

They hate each other...they manipulate each other.

She drinks and submits...he punches and manipulates.

With Finn...I became just like my father.

With Puck and Sam...I became just like my mother.

And with Santana...I had become something worse...my sister.

Willing to take shit just because I loved her.

That's not how it's going to be now.

* * *

The sun flickered into the room as I stared down at her sleeping face.

I had missed holding her.

As I stared at her, watching her cuddle against my side, I realized that I could probably wake up like this for the rest of my life.

Right then, I knew that someday...I would marry her.

And when marriage is your endgame...you start to look at your relationship differently.

 _"What is it?"_  She mumbled, as she turned onto her stomach and peeked open one eyelid.

 _"Someday...when the time is right...I want to be your wife."_  I said, feeling no regrets as I put myself out there. She didn't even flinch as her lips curved up into a small smile.  _"What?"_

She opened both her eyes and just looked at me.

I could see the light in her eyes and then she nodded to herself.

_"You know, Q...when the time is right...all you have to do is ask."_


	27. Giving You The Best That I Got (Anita Baker)

* * *

_"Santana?"_

Mr. Schue?

In Vegas?

Seriously?

It had been about five years since graduation and in that short time, he was nearly bald!

Oh, Sue must get a kick out of that.

 _"Hey, Mr. Schue!"_  I said with an equal amount of enthusiasm.

_"Nonsense, you should call me Will...it's been so long. How have you been?"_

We shared one of those awkward half hugs before I pulled back and flashed a smile.

_"I'm great, just graduated from UCLA, summa cum laude."_

He looked shocked.

I did once tell the man that I took my education seriously...did he think that I was joking?

He clapped his hands together and attempted to hug me again...and I let him...luckily for him, I was a few drinks in already, so I was marginally nicer than usual.

Once the hug was over, I looked him over and could see that he still had an addiction to vests only now...they were now part sweater as well.

_"Congratulations! What's next for you?"_

_"Stanford for my Masters."_

Once again, his jaw dropped.

Now I was just getting irritated.

The drinks were wearing off.

 _"Wow."_  He finally uttered.

Cue my eyes rolling.

* * *

_"What about you Mr. Schue...how's everything?"_

Why had I even asked?

How had I forgotten how much of a narcissist this man was?

He updated me on his love life and then as if that wasn't enough...he decided to update me on everything else.

Great!

He went on and on about the New Directions and how they have been chasing a National trophy since 2012.

Not surprised.

Yet, I just nodded and was polite the entire time, even though I really didn't give a shit.

But like I said...drinks plus me...equals nicer.

Thank God though, for that bullhorn!

* * *

_"SANDBAGS!"_

I smiled in relief, when I peaked around Schue and Sue was standing there with the bullhorn in front of her mouth.

_"Welp, Mr. Schue, that's my cue to go. I take it you are here for the same reason that I am, so I will see you at the reception, later."_

_"Definitely, maybe I can manage to find some of the old club members to do a number."_

_"Good luck with that."_  I said with a wave before heading towards Sue.

There was no way that I was going to share a stage with people who I hadn't spoken to in four years.

Especially since both Quinn and Britt weren't here.

Yea...don't sign me up for that Schue.

I straightened up my shoulders and took a deep breath.

Anger management was still coming in handy.

Thankfully.

Now that I was away from my old glee coach, I was able to relax.

* * *

_"I need you to do me a favor, Lopez."_

_"Anything."_  I said as I walked with Sue down yet another hallway.

Aside from renting us her beach house, Sue had paid my way through my first year of undergrad until I got a scholarship.

She was a constant mentor and she was the one that convinced me to pursue music as more than a record deal.

I was on my way to becoming a media mogul someday and that was definitely thanks to Sue.

I'd do anything for her at this point and honestly, I will take her over Schue any day of the week.

_"Here is the key to my suite...I need you to put this bullhorn back and bring me the gold-plated one."_

_"You got it, Coach."_

She actually blushed and then quickly straightened her face while shoving the bullhorn into my hands before storming off.

* * *

I hummed happily to myself as I pushed open the door to the suite.

And then I stopped short.

_"Q? What are you...aren't you supposed to be in San Fra-"_

She stepped forward and put her finger to my lips.

 _"I couldn't miss this opportunity to do something that I've been waiting to do for a really long time."_  She said as she pulled me towards the bed.  _"Sit."_

I sat.

There were a million butterflies trapped in my stomach.

Four years of dating and Q still had the ability to take my breath away.

* * *

 _"Q?"_  I whispered but then she did it.

She dropped to her knees in front of me and looked up at me with a big smile.

I leaned forward and dug my fingers into her long dark locks before dropping a kiss to sweet lips that I hadn't seen in three weeks.

 _"I'm asking."_  She said.

 _"Okay...show me what you got, Fabray."_  I whispered.

I was trying to play off my excitement but that ship had sailed.

_"We could say that our relationship really started on that beach after all the bullshit we went through...but really...it started in a hotel room. So it's only fitting that I give you this...here."_

My eyes got wide as she held my mother's engagement ring out for me.

Tears sprang to my eyes because I knew that with my mother now gone, that she had to go ask for that ring from my father.

_"You...he gave...screw the sweet words...I already told you...all you have to do is..."_

_"Santana, will you marry me?"_

_"God, yes!"_


	28. Otherside (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)

* * *

_"San?"_

I was currently buried under a stack of papers with my headphones on.

Three papers and a draft were due this week and I was trying my best to plow through it all.

Q, meanwhile, was waving the phone at me not knowing that I wasn't actually listening to anything at the moment.

Her hair was still dark but she had cut it all off again.

She was flawless...as always.

I pulled the headphones down and smiled at her.

_"Hey Q...what's up?"_

_"Britt's mom is on the phone."_

_"I'm not here."_  I muttered bitterly before putting the headphones back on.

She put the phone back to her ear and whispered something before ending the call.

Her face was scrunched up and she looked upset.

I knew what was next...it was the same argument that we had been having since we moved to San Francisco.

Maybe even since Sue's wedding in Vegas a few months ago.

Was it really my fault that I wanted to continue cutting everyone off?

I followed them all on Twitter...wasn't that enough?

* * *

 _"We need to talk about this, San."_  Quinn said as she stood over me with her phone in her hand.

I shrugged off my annoyance and fought the urge to ignore her.

That wasn't how we dealt with things but in that moment...I really wished it was.

_"What's there to talk about?"_

_"I supported you when you decided to get serious about your career and get sober. I supported you when you insisted that you wouldn't talk to Rachel anymore after she turned the old glee club against you all because you refused to go to the reunion. I even flew to New York to tell her off...but right now...I can't support you cutting out Britt. She needs us...don't be so cold, San."_

I felt a headache coming on.

I pressed the heels of my palms against the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.

Anger was raging through me at the mention of Britt.

The tears came next and I felt like this really fucking sucked.

 _"Fuck."_  I muttered.

She moved around my desk and proceeded to plant herself between me and my laptop.

 _"What was that?"_  She said in the most neutral voice that she could.

I dropped my hands and looked up at her.

There were deep circles under her eyes and exhaustion on her face.

Law school was kicking her ass but she was standing here...fighting for Britt.

Why wasn't I?

* * *

 _"I already agreed to step in and help if that's what Susan wants but I will not be the one to break Britt's heart. Not again. Cutting her out is the only way for me, Q. I can't...it's too fucking much."_  I mumbled.

Her fingers found their way under my chin and she stroked at my jaw.

_"She's sick, San. She listens to you...and if she doesn't get help...she's going to die. If you won't do this for her...do it for that little boy. Your godson."_

I felt nauseous.

How had things gotten so out of hand?

I trusted that when Britt went to New York that Rachel and Kurt would look out for her.

Or Tina or anyone else but they didn't.

Everyone just stood back and let her get this way and now I was supposed to fly across country?

_"Don't you see it though, babe...I fly there...I get her help and then I come back here and she gets out of rehab and ends up right back this way. We've been through this already. I can't fly out there again. I did it the one time that you asked me...when Nicky was born. I was there...I held her hand and cried with her. Fuck...I even named him but she's fucking married and her motherfucking husband should be helping her!"_

_"He left, San...months ago...when she went to rehab...he left. It's just her...all alone."_

My heart dropped.

_"What? Where's Nicky?"_

_"Social services...they were threatening to take him and so Susan has him at her hotel."_

_"And then what?"_

_"If social services gets him...he will be put in foster care...anywhere but with his mother...at least not with her alone...they think she's unfit."_

_"Fuck...that's because she's a drunk...who wouldn't think she's unfit? I love her and even I think every time she drops him off with a neighbor just so that she can party all night and get plastered, that she's borderline unfit. Why wouldn't they?"_

_"She needs you, babe."_

_"Everyone fucking needs me."_  I snapped.

* * *

She sighed and then nodded.

_"I wish that I could fix this for you."_

_"Me too...what does Susan want?"_

_"You know what she wants, San."_

_"And you would be okay with that?"_

_"I know that we are both in school...but we could make it work...maybe even...bring her back too. Help her get clean."_

_"You're serious?"_

_"I am."_

_"Convince me?"_

_"I don't need to. The very fact that you just asked me that, tells me that you are thinking with your head and not your heart. You know that you should go to New York, San...that you should go get Nicky. It's what Britt would want...you are probably the only person that he loves as much as his mom. And she is the only person that you love as much as me. You know what to do, San."_

_"Fuck!"_ I snapped and shoved my chair backwards.

I was on my knees in the next moment and resting my face against Quinn's stomach.

The tears burned my cheeks as she stroked her fingers through my hair.

_"I know, baby...this really sucks."_

_"It's so fucked up."_ I mumbled against her shirt as I wrapped my hands around her hips. _"Q?"_

_"All you have to do is ask, San."_

_"Come with me, please?"_

_"On one condition."_

I looked up at her in shock...

Since when did we have conditions?

_"Condition?"_

I went to pull away so I could look at her better but she pulled my head back against her stomach and continued stroking my head.

_"Yes...I will go with you but you have to promise me something."_

_"Okay...what?"_

_"Go there with an open heart...that means if you see Rachel or anyone else from high school...you aren't a bitch to them. I'm not missing classes just to go see you be incorrigible."_

My blood suddenly ran cold.

That was a big promise to make.

But then...if that was the only way to get her to come with me...then so be it.

* * *

My professors gave me three days...Quinn's gave her two.

Getting in and out of New York in just one day seemed impossible but we were on a mission.

Britt lived near Coney Island but her mom had gotten a hotel in Manhattan...and so that's where Quinn and I were planning to stay.

Nobody knew the state of Britt's place, not even her mom...when she had gone to get Nicky, apparently Britt had met her on the sidewalk.

But I was planning on heading straight there.

Quinn was going to stay at the hotel with Susan and Nicky, while I tried to convince Britt to come to California with me.

It was going to be hard but I felt like I owed it to Nicky to at least try to save his mom.

Britt had been out of rehab for only two months and so I guess that everyone thought she would be okay.

Even Susan, at least that was until she got a call from Britt crying and screaming about how the pre-school had called social services and that she was going to be investigated.

She had shown up at the pre-school drunk and now everyone had to move their lives around to fix her mistakes.

It pissed me off.

* * *

We were standing by on the sidewalk at almost sunrise and I was waiting to hail a cab.

I had literally checked into the hotel, unpacked and then headed back out.

Quinn though, insisted on seeing that I got off okay.

She held onto my hand as we neared the curb.

_"Remember your promise."_

I turned to her and raised my eyebrow.

_"Q...this is Brittany that we're talking about...no matter how pissed off she makes me...you know as well as I do that once I'm there, this anger will just turn into concern. Maybe a few tears. I promised you that I would be on my best behavior and I won't break that promise."_

She smiled and then leaned into my lips but just hovered there for a moment.

_"Call me when you get there...let me know how things go. Okay?"_

_"Yep...and you will make sure that Nicky has the best day ever right?"_

_"Definitely."_

I held up my hand as I stood on the street and kissed her.

There was a honk behind me a few moments later.

 _"Wish me luck."_ I muttered before climbing into the cab.

_"I wish you success, my love."_

I closed the door and gave her wave, suddenly feeling sad about leaving her behind.

But I had to do this alone.

Even if it was the last thing that I wanted to do.

* * *

The sun was coming up as I pulled up at the address that Susan had given me.

And when I saw how rundown the place looked, I double checked the address with Susan and then the cab driver before setting foot outside the car.

This looked nothing like a place that Brittany would ever live.

But her husband had left her while she was in rehab and she couldn't afford to pay her rent in Brooklyn.

How could this be the place that she ended up?

So many of the old glee club lived in New York, any of them could have helped her...checked on her but nobody had.

Why did it take me flying three thousand miles?

My anger at my old choir friends was renewed.

I was so close to breaking my promise to Q, ready to call everyone that I knew in New York just to curse them out but then I saw her.

It was nearing five in the morning and here she was brushing her fingers through her mussed up hair and stumbling towards the door that I was standing next to.

She hadn't seen me yet and so I waited.

When she got about six feet away, I could smell the liquor and ash coming from her clothes.

Is this what Nicky had been seeing?

Where were the unicorns?

The fat cats?

The fondue?

* * *

She either didn't see me or didn't want to see me as she brushed past me and pushed her key in the lock.

 _"Britt?"_  I said as I put my hand on her elbow.

She jerked back and looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

And then she smiled.

But it wasn't a normal goofy smile...it was sad and depressing.

 _"Are you really here?"_  She mumbled.

_"Yea."_

_"Do you wanna come up or something? Nicky isn't here."_

_"I know...and yea...I'd like that."_

She nodded and then pushed the door open for me.

 _"Top of the steps on the left."_  She said as she waited for me to pass her.

In the past, she used to get me to walk in front of her because she liked to stare at my ass...but this time, I had a feeling that she didn't want me to be able to see her struggling up the steps.

Even though I knew that she was drunk.

I obliged.

* * *

The effort had been there.

Once I was in Britt's apartment, memories of her childhood bedroom came rushing back.

The walls were all painted and the furniture was all in place.

You wouldn't be able to tell what kind of state she was in if you saw her place without knowing she was a wreck.

She told me that she was going to shower and get dressed and told me to make myself at home.

Once she was out of the room, I sent a quick text to Quinn, just to let her know that I was there and that I would call when I left.

After that, I found a coffee maker and some stale coffee.

The fridge was empty except for a few eggs and a pat of butter.

I took it upon myself to make us some food, thankful that Britt had at least been keeping things clean.

After I had breakfast served, I went in search of her.

I didn't like what I found.

* * *

_"What the fuck are you doing?"_

She was completely showered, dressed in sweats and was gulping some brown liquid from a Batman cup like she hadn't just come back reeking of alcohol.

At least she had the nerve to look caught.

She put the cup down and then wiped at her mouth.

_"I'm having a drink, in my apartment...what the fuck are you doing?"_

_"I came to talk to you."_

She was annoyed as she rubbed her hand over her face and then rubbed at her red eyes.

_"You could have done that over the phone."_

_"Britt don't be like this...please. I made breakfast...lets sit and talk. Please?"_

_"Please? Seriously?"_  She laughed dryly before the tears started. _"Who are you?"_

_"Is this about us never getting back together?"_

She laughed and shook her head.

_"Please...I have bigger problems than you. My husband left me...I had to send my son away, I can't dance anymore because of this stupid fucking knee and I'm probably going to be in jail by the end of the day!"_

_"What do you mean by jail?"_

_"Just tell me why you're here...please?"_

I sighed as I leaned against the door jamb.

So much for doing this civilly.

* * *

 _"I want you to come back to California with me._   _You and Nicky can start fresh."_

_"Why would I want to do that? This is Nicky's home...my home."_

_"Britt...sweetie...you came here for Julliard...you got hurt and you turned to drinking. I get it."_

_"Don't"_ She whispered. _"Just...leave me alone, Santana."_

I stepped closer to her and tipped up her chin, just like Q often did to me when I was too ashamed to look at her.

Britt's eyes were no longer the brilliant blue that they had been in high school...instead they now had a steely grey to them.

The drinking had aged her and the dark circles under her eyes seemed etched there.

Quinn had been right...Britt needed me.

I couldn't just leave her here to die.

Maybe her husband could do that and the old glee club could...but there was no way that I could.

_"Tell me that you want me to go and I will, B...tell me that you want this to be how things are, tell me that this is how you want Nicky to remember you. Tell me to leave you here to die."_

With every word that I spoke, my heart ached even more.

I was ready to step up as her best friend.

Ready to hold her hand through this.

But she had to take that first step.


	29. Retrograde (James Blake)

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I stood there while she watched me and slowly poured more of the dark rum into the cup in front of me.

She didn't move.

And I didn't look up.

The liquid had been enough to hide the pain that I was in.

My life had never been the same after my accident in my second senior year.

I was forced to remember a love that I had lost and I was forced to get over that love.

And I had.

The drinking probably would have helped back then but instead the glee club took it upon themselves to help me through it.

Especially Sam.

He wouldn't tell me about our relationship, just that we had both decided that it was over and when all of my memories came flooding back, the memory of the hours leading up to my accident, still hadn't appeared.

So I just took his word for it...even if I could tell that he was lying.

* * *

When I got to New York, I was over Santana and really happy that she and Quinn had found each other.

I had gone to L.A. to spend time with them and they made sure that I had a blast.

And I made sure to give them space.

While I was out there, I auditioned for the dance program at UCLA on just a dare from Mike Chang.

I was already set up for Julliard and so I just did it...and I got in.

With a full scholarship once they saw my genius SAT scores but back then, the pain of losing Santana had still been fresh.

If I had gone to UCLA, I would be seeing them every single day.

That was too much, too fast.

And so, I stuck with my plans and headed to the big city.

Looking back on it...I wonder how different my life would be, if I had picked a school closer to my two best friends.

I wouldn't be in this mess...that's definitely for sure.

* * *

The burn of the rum sliding down my throat, felt soothing.

Everything hurt so much.

Even seeing her.

Not because I was still hung up on her but because I could see the disappointment on her face.

The heartbreak.

I hated myself for causing her to hurt but that is just another thing to add to the pile of my screw ups.

New York is not for the weak or the light hearted...at least not the naïve ones.

It will either harden you or eat you alive...and in some cases...like in my case...it will do both.

 _"I can't do that."_  I finally said after I got up the courage to lift my head and meet her eyes.

Her hands were crossed over her chest and her eyes were doing their best to fight back tears.

She was trying to throw up walls but they had always been pointless when it came to me...she knew better.

* * *

 _"B-"_  She had begun to say before I started pouring the rest of the rum into the cup.

It went all the way to the top of the cup.

When I went to pick up the cup, her hand came down and covered the rim.

 _"Let go."_  I said in a meaner voice than I meant, while holding the side of the cup as tightly as I could.

She ignored me and held the cup down harder.

_"Why can't you tell me those things, B?"_

She was closer now, I could smell her shampoo and soap.

Her smell soothed the torn edges of my soul...just enough for me to let go of the cup.

I took shallow breaths as the front of her body pressed against my side.

 _"You know why."_  I squeaked out.

 _"Tell me."_  She said into my ear as she took the opportunity to push the cup away from my reach.

I was about to lunge forward but her arms came around me and she held me in place.

My head was pounding as I allowed my body to rest against hers.

It had been way too long since I had been touched by another person.

With the exception of Nicky's hugs, there weren't many people around to just hold me.

* * *

My knee started hurting after a few seconds and so I straightened up and pulled myself from her hold.

_"I wish that you would just leave."_

_"If that's what you want."_

She dropped her hands from around my waist and made her way out of the room...but not before taking the cup full of rum with her.

My heart sank.

That was all that I had left and I didn't have money for more.

My stomach rumbled as I followed her out into the kitchen.

 _"No."_  I whispered as I watched her pour all of the rum down the drain and then as if she thought that I would lick the nasty sink, she turned on the water.

_"No what, B?"_

Suddenly I was angry.

 _"Why the fuck did you just do that?!"_  I yelled at her.

And what surprised me was that she actually flinched.

She looked at me with this defeated expression and then gave me a small nod.

_"Don't worry, B. That was the last thing that I will ever do for you as your best friend"_

_"Good...I don't need you!"_ I croaked out.

" _Great...I hope that you get the help that you need, Brittany. You're officially on your own."_

* * *

I was frozen as I watched her leave my apartment.

She didn't storm out or anything, she just calmly grabbed her purse from the counter top and then walked out the door.

Not even glancing back, slamming the door or anything.

My feet wouldn't move and my voice wouldn't work until the lock of the door clicked.

Then suddenly, everything hit me at once.

I looked at the way she cleaned up my kitchen, the food that she had put on plates that was left untouched and if I took a deep breath, I could still smell her.

My best friend.

Before we ever messed around, that is who she had been to me.

There was no other person in my life that had shown me the way to survive like Santana had.

And I knew that there was nobody more permanently glued to my corner than her.

That realization made my world come crashing down...completely.

* * *

I collapsed against the door a bit later and just looked at all the damage that I had caused.

The apartment was a wreck now, eggs and cracked plaster on the walls, where I had thrown the plates.

Chairs flipped and my small glass table shattered.

My chest was tight as I looked around...this was my life.

Or what was left of it.

I was all alone.

She had given me an out and I had just let her slip away.

There were no tears as I rubbed at my sore knee.

At some point I must have hit it on something.

Pretty soon it would be completely swollen, again.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the door.

 _"What now?"_  I whispered to the empty apartment. The silence was so loud and so I screamed it out this time.  _"WHAT NOW?!"_

This time the silence slashed through me and I felt like dying.

* * *

I don't know how long I sat there.

A big part of me was just sitting there, waiting for her to come back.

But hours went by.

I knew that only because the street lights were on now.

A whole day had gone by.

My stomach growled loudly.

I was nauseous.

Getting my body to stand with my knee out of place seemed too painful and so I crawled with just one knee on the ground.

I didn't care that my other knee was taking a beating...I just needed water.

After an eternity, I finally managed to get into the kitchen.

Broken glass was everywhere and so I crunched my teeth against each other and pulled myself up onto one leg.

When I went to turn on my faucet...nothing came out.

Fuck!

I hadn't paid the water bill.

This time it was my sobbing that was breaking through the silence of the apartment.

I needed a drink.

* * *

Sheer determination is what got me to walk across the floor towards my bedroom.

I was desperate to numb the pain.

And so I searched.

And searched.

Screaming in rage whenever I couldn't find anything but empty bottles but then as I was tearing the sheets off my bed and tossing my pillows, my foot kicked something under the bed.

And I heard liquid.

While picking it up, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.

My face was swollen and I was bleeding.

From where, I wasn't sure.

I saw myself clutching that bottle in one hand and saw my whole body shaking.

I had a problem.

And it was going to kill me.

 _"I don't...I don't want to die."_  I whispered.

My hands moved on their own as they worked to open the bottle of vodka.

I didn't allow myself to think as I drank down what was left in as few gulps as possible.

My head was foggy as I put the bottle down.

I stood there, looking at myself as the effects of the liquor were kicking in.

There was no happiness after that.

What usually kept me happy was wine but vodka made me depressed.

And so when the tears started, I wasn't surprised.

I was so alone in that moment.

She had been right.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Nicky was spending his last night in New York with his grandmother,

And so I just spent the day waiting on Santana.

The whole day went by before she showed up at the hotel.

She smelled like cigarettes and her eyes were bloodshot.

I knew from the moment that I saw her slumped shoulders and sad eyes, that things had gone bad.

And I felt like I was responsible.

She hadn't wanted to be here and I had practically guilted her into it.

And now...her ability to detach herself from the wreckage that was Brittany, was impossible.

* * *

She had gone into the bathroom and took the longest shower in the world.

And when she came back out, she just kissed me softly before curling up on the bed and breaking down.

I spent the rest of that night just holding her as she told me everything.

Her heart was broken.

I was sorely tempted to go see Brittany but I knew that it was useless.

She didn't want to be saved.

And if Santana couldn't get her to see her problem, then nobody could.

 _"I can't...how can she do this to Nicky?"_  She croaked out after a long silence.

_"She's sick...I guarentee, that she isn't thinking about how this will affect him."_

_"I feel like I could have stopped this."_

_"How? There was no way to stop her from tearing her meniscus. There was no way to stop her from falling for her doctor. Maybe we could have stopped the marriage but at that point, she already had Nicky."_

_"I just feel helpless."_

_"I know baby. We can figure it out in the morning...lets just get some sleep for now."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

I had just fallen asleep when she was shaking me awake.

When I opened my eyes, I could see that she was on the phone and fighting tears.

 _"Where are you?"_  She was saying.

It had to be Brittany.

She was in the process of getting dressed and so I immediately got up and did the same.

 _"What's she saying?"_  I whispered.

She put the phone on speaker as she bent to put on her shoes.

_"Britt? You still there?"_

_"I need help."_  She slurred.

_"Where are you, B?"_

_"Outside."_  She said with a spacy voice.

And that's when I heard the sirens outside, echoing through the phone.

_"Britt...why won't you come into the lobby?"_

_"Too much blood...no shoes."_  She muttered.

* * *

Nothing could have prepared us for the sight of Brittany, huddled against the building with no shoes on.

She had finally hit rock bottom and she had come to us.

Come for help.

I wanted her to remember this moment.

When she was in recovery...this moment would help her stay clean.

I was sure of it.

San was brushing her hands over Brittany's red cheeks and mumbling to her.

 _"Britt...tell me."_  She said in a rushed voice.

Britt looked at her with tears in her eyes.

_"Please...help me? I don't want to die like this."_

_"Promise me that you want this, B."_

She looked at San and with all the concentration she could muster in her drunken state she held out her pinkies.

One towards San and one towards me.

I watched as all the heaviness lifted from San's posture and her lips lifted into a guarded smile.

Britt had given her back her hope.

And hopefully...we could help give her back her life.

The one that she was meant to have.


	30. BomBom (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. The Teaching)

* * *

It was early morning when I woke up.

Most days, it was early morning when I woke up, which was a far cry from high school.

Back then it was torture but as a working/studying adult, it's the time that I cherish the most.

I stood over the bed that Quinn and Britt were laying in and bit down hard on my lip.

A big part of me wanted to wake them both up...just to make Britt talk about her next move.

But then my heart and my mind agreed that I needed to get away.

And so I put on my sneakers and shoved my phone in my sports bra before heading out for a run.

I needed to figure things out and I couldn't do that in this room.

Quinn wanted to come here and now that I got Britt to admit that she needed help...I was hoping that Quinn could take the next step.

And hopefully she could do it on her own because after last night, anything that I could say, might just make things worse.

* * *

I had set out for Central Park...ready to take a nice long run but then fate intervened.

Because just outside the hotel was Rachel.

She had no way of knowing that I would nearly collide with her.

But when she did finally see me and she looked scared.

Whatever Quinn had yelled at her must have been pretty explicit if her first reaction was to get pale.

 _"Hi Berry."_  I said with a genuine smile.

 _"Why are you here, in New York, I mean?"_  She asked as she stepped to the side of the sidewalk.

I moved to stand in front of her and ran my fingers through my hair.

_"For Brittany...I came to step in...since nobody here seemed to give a shit."_

I swear that I meant to say that nicer but I have never been one to mince words.

She probably expected it anyway.

_"Says who? Last time that I checked, it was my name on the lease of her apartment and my name that her phone is under. If anything...it's you that hasn't really given a shit."_

I wanted to slap her.

But I didn't.

All the facts that I had about who had helped Britt had come from hearsay and so really I had only assumed that nobody stepped in.

I could admit that...I was wrong...just not out loud.

_"So you have been helping her?"_

Rachel threw her arms up in frustration.

_"It's what I have been trying to tell you and Quinn for months! I have been her biggest supporter and when Derek gave her the divorce papers a few days ago...it was me that held her as she cried."_

_"Divorce papers?"_  I knew that he left her but I didn't think that it was that bad.

_"See what I mean...so now, tell me again, who doesn't give a shit about Brittany?"_

I felt like an asshole.

* * *

Instead of running, Rachel and I ended up going to the hotel restaurant and grabbing coffee.

And it was then that I learned the history of my friend.

It seemed that Rachel had been keeping a closer eye on Britt than she had let on.

_"So if you were helping out, then why did you just let Quinn curse you out like that?"_

She stirred her coffee with slumped shoulders.

It looked like the world was sitting on them and for the first time in a very long time, I found myself feeling sorry for Rachel Berry.

_"Honestly, I wanted so badly to just feel like she was here to see me. To visit. We were all so close at the end of senior year and to know that once we graduated we all scattered to the four winds makes me sad. And its my own fault because I basically shoved you out the door. Kurt and I have each other but that's not enough. I miss the girls. Tina hates me for yet again getting a part on off-Broadway that she was going for. All that I had was Brittany."_

_"Oh."_  I said as I reached across the table and rested my hand on hers.  _"Look, Rachel...me and Quinn...we are still here for you."_

She rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee before pulling her hands into her lap.

_"Like you were for Brittany?"_

_"Okay...I deserved that."_  I said feeling like she had slapped me.

_"Look...she's sick. I have tried my best to help her but I'm not you. Nobody is. Derek was a good guy. I believe that he loves her and Nicky but she made it hard for him. She showed up at his job drunk, barefoot...went to work parties with him and got completely trashed. It just became too much for him, that's why he left and took Nicky with him."_

It took everything in me to not let my jaw hang.

* * *

_"Nicky isn't with Derek...he's upstairs."_

It was Rachel's turn to look shocked.

_"She took him? Well that explains...wow...not good."_

_"What are you talking about Hobbit?"_  I snapped.

_"I'll ignore that. When did she take Nicky, exactly?"_

_"She showed up drunk at his daycare...they threatened to call the cops...her mom was in town for a work conference and so she was able to get down there before the cops could be called. That was two days ago...she called me just after getting Nicky. What am I missing?"_

_"Oh...so Susan has Nicky?"_

_"Yes."_

_"That might save Brittany in all of this."_

_"All of what?"_

_"Derek is out of the country on business this week. Nicky is supposed to be with Derek's sister in Staten Island. Brittany isn't allowed to have him...there's a protection order..."_  This time I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. _"And you didn't know that. This is not good."_

_"No shit."_

_"I'm going to call his sister..."_ She was scrolling through her phone but then I put my hand on her phone.

_"Wait...it's been two days...can you just...let Britt see him before we take Nicky back. We are leaving today...and if things end like this before we leave...who knows how much more this could set her back."_

Rachel nodded...but then looked at her phone.

_"I'll text her at least...just to let her know that Susan had picked him up for me and I have him. In the mean time, lets just hope that she didn't call Derek."_

And finally Britt talking about going to jail made sense.

Why hadn't I asked about that more?

God, just let this be okay.


	31. Blinding (Florence + The Machine)

* * *

_"Mmm...fuck...oh my Gaaaaaa...San...fuck...baby slow down."_

I shook my head and readjusted my feet as I threw the first punch.

Being back in San Francisco should have meant returning to a normal life.

A return to hot sex, hard work and working on my music.

But things were different...even sex.

_"Why?"_

_"Britt's going to hear us."_

_"So...not like she hasn't heard me before."_

_"Please?"_

I landed my fists against the bag.

1, 2.

Jumping back, I readjusted my feet and took short breaths.

Then I hit it again.

1, 2...1, 2...1, 2...1...

I couldn't see.

Shit.

Fucking tears.

Fucking Brittany.

Fucking life!

Thinking of how I wasn't in the mood to continue to fuck Quinn

Or how I had missed my final the day before because I was dropping Britt at outpatient rehab

Thinking of how I had lost my best friend to alcohol and it was MY fucking fault.

_"San?"_

I didn't move.

Not even she could fix this.

Fix me.

* * *

_"San? Please...come home."_

I shook my head and readjusted my feet.

The 24 hour gym had been my outlet.

Where I released my frustrations, sexual and otherwise...

She had known where to look and that was my fault.

I couldn't run from her.

Not since the first time, had I actually run.

I had made that promise to not run and I stuck to it.

Now though...as I assault the punching bag with every ounce of energy in my small frame, I wish that maybe I hadn't come here.

Maybe a bar would have been better but then...I thought of B...of Nicky being torn from her arms when Derek's sister showed up at the hotel.

I couldn't be that.

Be her.

Shit...I didn't even want her to be this way.

It felt like I was dying inside.

And she was killing me.

* * *

Sometimes I forget that Quinn was a cheerleader...crazy right?

I always forget just how strong she was as Sue's Cheerio captain...of course that is usually until she tops me in some way.

I was being stubborn...not wanting to go home because I knew that I would have to deal with Britt.

Right now she was at rehab but she would be home before the night was over and I would have to be her mother.

Question her...ask how it was going...what she did...how she felt.

I had to feel with her.

Cry with her.

And then...we would talk about Nicky or Derek or dancing.

It had been like this...for three weeks and I was exhausted.

That's what I told myself as I was lifted clear off the floor and fucking carried out to the street.

That means that she had to carry me down a flight of stairs!

I still had my gloves on as she forced me into the car.

A fact, I'm sure that she was grateful for as I unleashed my fury on her dashboard.

* * *

 _"Are you finished?"_  She finally said after watching me beat on her car for longer than I like to admit.

I sat there, panting as I watched the traffic pass by.

Finally, I felt my adrenaline slow down and I rested my head back and just let the tears come.

 _"I..."_  The words wouldn't come.

She was listening and I was completely at a loss for words.

I looked into her beautiful eyes and watched as she smiled.

_"Take your time, my love."_

_"I..."_  She was nodding and rubbing the tears from my cheeks.

_"Yea?"_

_"This...is..."_  I had tried another approach but still the words were stuck...

And then her phone started ringing.

 _"I don't have to answer that."_  She said without looking away.

But she did.

 _"You do."_  I said as I turned my face away from her.

I didn't want to cry anymore.

Nothing changes.

Everything is still fucked up and so I just pushed back the pain and focused on taking my gloves off.

Quinn sighed and then quietly answered the phone.

* * *

No matter how long Quinn and I are together...Britt will always know me better.

I hated it...but its just one of those facts.

Britt knew me intimately as I was finding out who I was...while Quinn had her own issues back then.

And so when Quinn was suddenly silent, I looked up and could see that she was staring at me wide-eyed.

Something had happened.

And she hadn't called me to fix it.

I wanted to run for the hills...which, if you have seen San Francisco is pretty ironic.

But then Quinn had my complete attention.

 _"Where are you?"_  She said with a twisted up face.  _"Stay there...I swear to God, Brittany...you better not fucking move."_

I was in shock.

Quinn had just used her precious Lord's name in vain and was cursing at Brittany Pierce...well Brittany Castellanos...maybe she wouldn't curse at Brittany Pierce.

That had been how I had been defining the two different versions of Britt that I was seeing these days.

There was my dancing ball of sunshine, Brittany Pierce and then there was the alcoholic, jaded Brittany Castellanos.

And right now, from the way that Quinn was breaking traffic laws...I was pretty sure who she had been talking to.

 _"She drunk?"_  I asked after Quinn came to a stop outside of a bar.

Quinn looked at me and then she turned to the bar.

_"Stay here."_

Relief.

That was how I felt knowing that Quinn was going to take care of this.

I was falling apart at the seams and she was stepping in.

It was what I needed more than anything.

* * *

When Quinn walked to the car with Brittany basically stumbling against her, I was in the driver's seat.

She smiled at me and then slid into the backseat with our drunken best friend.

 _"Sssssannnnnyyyyy!"_  Britt yelled as Quinn buckled her into the car.

I didn't respond.

Shit, I didn't even look back at her.

I couldn't because the rage that I felt would have caused me to explode again.

My anger was getting close to exploding again and I couldn't go there again.

And then I felt a kiss on my bare shoulder.

Immediately, I relaxed.

The spell was broken and I was able to focus.

Well...focus enough to get us back home in one piece.

* * *

Quinn had convinced Brittany to take part in an outpatient rehab program.

It was an all day thing and then at night you could go home.

The program had been created for parents and people who couldn't afford to not work.

Derek was paying for this though.

Rachel had been right about him being a good guy.

He loved Britt and he wanted the best for his son's mother.

I had talked to him for two hours and he explained exactly how much he loved her and how much he didn't want a divorce.

How he wanted to do right by her.

I cursed him out about his affair and he cursed me out about ignoring her calls but by the end...we both agreed that we loved her and wanted her to get better.

And we both agreed that she needed to be in a facility long-term.

That she needed a live-in facility and then to come back into a healthy environment.

Derek took the credit for her relapsing and promised that he would do right by her.

The issue was that because she had been loved by both me and Derek...she wasn't listening to us...she only listened to Quinn.

I was just a part of the clean-up crew when she broke down but as far as figuring out what she wanted...she ignored me and Derek.

And it was fucking infuriating.

* * *

_"San?"_

_"What?"_  I snapped back at her...seeing Britt like this really got to me and she was singing the song Mine, at the top of her fucking lungs.

_"Slow down."_

_"No...fuck that...she doesn't want to be considerate to us...fuck her...you hear me Britt? Fuck you!"_

_"San?"_

_"What?!"_

_"Please, baby...I'm freaking out. Just...slow down...please?"_ I looked in the rearview and saw that she was crying now. Britt had passed out against her and Q was holding tight to her...shaking and crying. _"Please?"_

_"All you had to do was ask."_


	32. Last Goodbye (Ke$ha)

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had let Britt get to me.

And in the process, I neglected to remember how my actions would affect the woman who I love.

Quinn still ached when she walked at times, some days she was completely confined to the bed for days when the weather changed.

It was one thing to run a few red lights but I was driving at break neck speeds through San Francisco without regard to oncoming traffic.

She was justifiably freaking out and I immediately slowed down once I realized just how bad she was taking things.

_"I'm sorry, Q. You okay?"_

_"Yea."_

She took deep shaky breaths as I pulled into our assigned garage.

_"Yea...can you just help me get her out the car, please?"_

_"Sure."_

* * *

Suddenly, I was forgetting that I was angry and instead I was only concerned with Quinn.

This was more than her freaking out in the car...she was feeling guilty about this.

She had gone against who she was and ignored my wants, convinced that Britt would make good on her promise to stay sober.

The only issue with that logic was that just as well as Britt knew me...I knew her.

Britt couldn't do this on her own.

She needed to be completely immersed in her rehab experience.

And I could see it all over Quinn's face, she finally agreed.

Now all we had to do was talk to Britt...there was no way that things could go on like this.

* * *

 _"Fuck!"_  I groaned as I gripped her hair.

She moaned and tossed my leg over her shoulder.

I was close to coming but then she pulled away and looked up at me.

 _"I love you."_  She whispered and I smiled.

I rubbed her damp cheek and blew her a kiss.

 _"I love you too, Q...now...less talking more licking."_  I winked and she grinned.

 _"Ask nicely."_  She said with delight in her eyes.

_"Pretty please, take those juicy lips of yours and suck me dry...please?"_

_"Mmm...you know I love it wh-"_

I didn't let her finish her sentence as I guided her head back to my wetness.

_"Shhh...just do it baby...yea...just...fuck...like that! God! Fuck...I'm so close! Shit...ayyyyyyy!"_

I was prepared to roll over and go to sleep but then she shoved her fingers inside of me and began to curl them.

 _"Mmm...I love when you come...but you never...said...my...name."_  She said punctuating the last few words with each twist and turn of her fingers.

I was gripping the sheets with one hand and using the other to cup her cheek.

Our eyes locked and I couldn't help the loud the groans that left my mouth.

 _"Quinnnnn! Oh fuck! Yes! Yes! Quinn!"_ I screamed before collapsing down on the bed.

* * *

Fuck Brittany if she heard us...we weren't going to let her come in and make us uncomfortable in our own home.

Not anymore.

We fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore and then finally passed out.

Sleeping in Quinn's arms always made me feel safe and sound.

There was no place that I would rather be.

I finally was at a place in my life that made sense...

Like, I was exactly where I needed to be in that exact moment.

* * *

I was in a deep sleep when suddenly Quinn was shaking me.

_"San...get up."_

_"Wha? No."_  I grumbled before burying my face against further into her pillow.

But then she was shaking me again.

_"Santana...get up...please baby...wake up."_

She sounded like she was desperate.

Finally I peaked one of my eyes open and saw that she was already completely dressed and that the sun was out.

_"What is it? Where's B?"_

_"She's downstairs...I need you to get up."_

I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost noon.

Yet another final was missed.

Fuck.

 _"Q...my final!"_  I said as I jumped from the bed.

She nodded and then brushed my hair from my face.

_"I called your professor and told him the situation, he said you could sit it tomorrow."_

I fucking swooned.

_"Really?"_

_"Yes...now get up. Coffee is on the dresser."_ She leaned in and kissed my lips.

Q was being extra sweet and I wasn't sure if it was because of the mind blowing sex or that she was trying to keep me in a good mood.

Either way, it was a good way to wake up.

I said a silent prayer for my day.

Things just needed to be okay.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I paced back and forth in between the living room and the kitchen for what felt like an eternity.

Last night had been eye-opening for me.

Seeing Britt with her head on the bar, weeping over her son and her husband and then her practically serenading Santana in the car, made me see something that I hadn't before.

She was stuck.

It was as if the moment that she woke up from that coma in her senior year and hadn't been able to progress.

Her memories had come back but after months of trying to trigger them and while she was busy doing that...the world kept moving.

She had been trying to keep up and just couldn't.

And then she got to Julliard and her body betrayed her.

It was like everything and everyone that she loved was moving in a completely different direction.

* * *

Most people would feel like this wasn't their problem.

And maybe they're right...maybe San and I should just be wrapped up in ourselves, focusing on our wedding, our lives together and following our dreams but Santana and I weren't most people.

For us...for me helping Britt was a necessity.

I had Santana and she had me...we were secure in us.

At least that's what I had assumed when I forced San to go to New York.

I was trying to make life be the same as high school but we weren't those girls anymore.

Britt was married and a mom, San was this amazing music protegé with offers from labels all over the world and I was in law school working my ass off.

We needed to find new definitions of normal.

And even if this situation infuriates her, I know that San will be haunted by Britt's failures.

And I just can't let that happen.

* * *

_"Are you sure about this, B?"_

_"I need to figure things out and I can't do that here. I love that you guys have taken me in and tried to help me. Thank you."_

San stood stiffly beside me as we watched Britt pull her bag from the trunk.

 _"We could make this work, B...I'm sorry that I snapped at you last night."_  San said, looking nauseous.

Britt smiled and stepped closer to us.

She held out both her pinkies and so we linked up with her.

_"We have always said that the trinity starts together and ends together. We just work best that way...in sync with each other, right?"_

I nodded and San dropped her head.

Britt dropped her pinky and lifted her chin before taking her pinky back.

 _"Yea, B."_  San said as she cleared her throat.  _"Synchronicity. It's what we have always done."_

Britt nodded and then squeezed our pinkies.

_"Somewhere along the way, I fell out of sync with you two...and it hurts me each day that I see it. Being here though helped me to remember who I was before my bike accident...before me and San broke up or even got together. I want that back and I can see now that it's something that I can have. I just need to be ready for it. When I'm done here...I want to be able to bring Nicky and Derek out here...I want to be able to restart my life and have you two with me. I want to be in sync with you two again...but first I need to work on me. I need to take a break from things and get my life in order."_

* * *

_"Are you okay?"_

She was sitting at her desk flipping through her text-book and humming to herself.

Santana doesn't hum.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

She sighed and tossed the book down.

Even with a degree and a more settled adult life, Santana Lopez hadn't really changed.

She raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.

_"Not really but it doesn't matter because obviously you do."_

_"We just dropped Britt off at rehab and she basically broke up with us. You're telling me that you don't want to talk about you are sitting there stewing in your own thoughts or how you look like someone just kicked your fucking ego down a flight of stairs?"_

One of my favorite things was to catch her off guard.

And I had succeeded because she just sat there looking at me in shock.

* * *

Of course, she has always been better at shocking me.

I barely had time to register her next move as she stood to her feet and picked me up.

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Shutting you up."_  She said will carrying me into the bedroom.

I flew onto the bed and she was right behind me.

 _"That's a nice thing to say."_  I snarked back at her as she straddled my waist.

_"Don't worry baby, in a moment you won't even remember that I just said that."_

_"Is that right?"_

_"Yep."_

I cocked my eyebrow as I watched her make her way down my body.

She wasn't even going to work me up with kisses and sweet touches.

Instead she had stripped down and was putting her favorite harness on.

She had a wicked look in her eyes and I couldn't help but squirm.

I could tell that she wanted this hard and rough.

And so did I.

_"Fuck me baby, Please?"_

_"Mmm...you know you don't even have to ask."_


	33. She Is Love (Parachute)

* * *

We had it all planned out.

She didn't talk to her family and all I had left was my dad...so we decided that we would just have something between us and then party later with our friends and family.

It was supposed to happen when Q graduated from law school but after having Britt with us for three long weeks and then finally being alone again...we figured...why wait?

And so we did it.

We got married.

There was no fairytale honeymoon or champagne toasts.

Instead...we drove down to Venice Beach for the week, walked the boardwalk...attempted to surf and just had tons of sex.

But I won't bore you with the details.

Instead...I think I would rather tell you about what happened when we got back.

That's where the true story is.

* * *

When we got home, I had Q take me straight to the studio on campus because I had to put out some small fires.

My grad assistant job had me in charge of the radio station and apparently students hacked into the mainstream radio mainframe and unleashed a bunch of stuff that could get us fined by the FCC.

I had asked her to stay with me and so she used what legal knowledge that she had to help me set things straight.

We were feeling pretty proud of ourselves when we finally showed up at home.

Quinn was laughing and kept twirling her wedding band on her finger.

 _"I can't believe we actually got married."_  She said wistfully as I held her hand in mine.

_"You don't regret it already, do you?"_

_"Are you kidding? I'm the happiest woman alive...I snagged myself the hottest chick of them all."_

I squeezed her hand tighter as we made our way to our front door.

There was a package there and the moment that I saw it...without even knowing what it was...I kind of panicked.

It's a crazy world.

Turns out my gut was right...the package was for her.

For my wife.

From her father.

* * *

 _"Are you going to open it?"_  I asked as I curled up on the couch and watched her pace.

The package was sitting in the center of the coffee table, mocking her with its presence punctuated by her father's neat scrawl on the label.

She looked at me and shrugged.

_"I don't know...it's one thing for him to disown me...it's another to actually be faced with it. I haven't talked to him in almost a decade...and now this."_

_"Did you tell Judy or Fran that you were getting married?"_  I asked, hoping that she had kept her word and not told anyone.

It was supposed to be a random kind of thing.

Her eyes got wide and then she looked at me with a shrug.

 _"I might have told Fran...but that's it."_  She said before face-palming herself.  _"God help me...how can I be so stupid!"_

_"Hey...that's my wife you're talking about."_

Even in her stress, the grin that covered her face as she twirled her ring momentarily wiped it away.

* * *

She was calmer now, she sipped from a glass of wine and lit a cigarette and sat there staring at it.

At least she was closer now.

Maybe it was the sudden urge for wine that I had as I watched her...but I had half a mind to ask her something about Britt but I stopped myself.

This wasn't about her.

She was in rehab...we had enough to deal with, bringing Britt up was just asking for trouble.

So I sat up and put my hand on the base of her spine and rubbed the line of her scar, while putting my head on her shoulder.

Years after being paralyzed, rubbing the surgery scar still managed to calm her.

_"Open it, Q."_

I listened to the crackle of her cigarette as she slowly inhaled and then grunted before blowing out a long stream of air.

_"Yea?"_

_"If you don't...I will."_  I said as I moved my hand around her waist and under her shirt.

I stroked my fingers over her stomach and she shivered.

 _"Mmm...don't start something that you can't finish."_  She chuckled before sipping from her glass of wine.

I used the opportunity of her drinking to attack her neck.

She froze as I slowly nibbled on her skin.

_"I always finish, esposa."_

_"You sure about that?"_

She hummed and then brought her hand to cover mine.

_"Positive."_

When she turned her face towards me and kissed my lips, it was my turn to groan.

The wine had made her lips taste sweeter as I sucked them between mine.

She pulled back and licked her lips.

_"Careful...don't want to get you drunk."_

_"Mmm...I guess you're right,_   _wouldn't want you to take advantage of me in such a vulnerable state."_

She chuckled and before finishing her glass of wine.

As she put the glass down next to the box, she turned to me again and smiled.

_"Definitely but then again...you would have started it...right?"_

_"Yes...I'm practically begging for it."_

_"No need...all you have to do is ask, baby love."_

A chill when through me and I couldn't take it anymore.

I pulled away from her and lunged for the box, shoving it into her now empty hands.

_"May you please open this box and then take me to bed...pretty fucking please?"_

* * *

**_Lucille,_ **

**_It has come to my attention that you are set to be married to Santana Lopez. You already know what my stance has always been when it comes to this and I'm sure you wore a hole in your floor while weighing the decision on whether to open this package._ **

**_If you're reading this, which I have no doubt that you are, please know that you have my blessing._ **

**_Now, I know that you didn't seek it out or anything but I'm sure it will soothe a vacant part of you._ **

**_Despite all the things that this family has been through over the years, you are always my baby girl before anything else. I love you very much and I wish you and Santana a lifetime of happiness together._ **

**_I pray that you both remember your faith and allow it to guide you to a successful marriage._ **

**_Please accept this wedding gift on behalf of me and your mother._ **

**_May God bless you!_ **

**_Your father,_ **

**_Russell_ **

* * *

I watched as she delicately opened the package.

A hand flew to her mouth as tears pooled in her eyes.

This was a monumental moment and whether or not we ended up in bed together later was now just a footnote.

And I was okay with that.

This was bigger than that.

This was tantamount to the feeling of utter acceptance after coming out.

This was the moment that I was still waiting for with my Abuela.

I watched as my wife pulled a porcelain tea set from the box and placed it delicately on the table.

She then proceeded to set it up and just stare at it.

 _"Do you remember this, San?"_  She said without taking her eyes off the thing.

_"I wish I did, Q."_

_"This was my grandmother's tea set...it's been passed down through seven generations of Fabray women."_

Leave it to me...the buzzkill.

_"Shouldn't Fran have it then?"_

_"She always knew how much I loved it and so when Daddy went to give it to her she insisted that he save it for me."_

_"That was nice of her."_  I said as I traced a finger over the tea set.

_"Mmm...she hates tea and my grandmother."_

_"Oh...well her loss."_

Q smiled sweetly and nodded.

_"When I got kicked out and then later disowned...I forgot about it. I never thought that I would get to have it...and now...I have it."_

* * *

Instead of getting straight to sex, I did something that would have made my mother proud.

While Quinn called her father and mother to thank them for the gift, I went into the kitchen and made tea.

And then I prepared it and put it on the tea-tray.

Q stepped into the kitchen and smiled really big.

_"You did this for me?"_

I nodded as I filled her cup with tea and then pulled out her chair.

She looked at me with wide eyes as I sat across from her with a smile on my face.

_"I did this for us...I love this life that we are making together and how we get to build our own traditions and I think this should be one of them."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Absolutely...we are married now, a unit and I want to be apart of everything that puts that kind of smile on your face...for the rest of my life."_

I know...sappy but seriously, that smiling face is sometimes better than ten thousand orgasms.

_"Thank you for accepting me...and all my crazy over the years, San."_

_"Igualmente my love."_

_"Don't stop this sweetness...okay?"_

_"I don't think that's possible...you bring out the sap in me."_

She winked as she sipped at her tea.

_"Nice to know."_

* * *

That night as we laid in our bed together for the first time as a married couple, I felt peace consume me.

It was the feeling that I felt the most when she was around.

The peace to my chaos.

We laid there, looking into each other's eyes and held each other.

For a long while we didn't speak, just stared and smiled.

Occasionally kissed.

And then finally, her face got serious and her eyes got all vulnerable.

_"Promise me something, San."_

_"Anything."_

_"Promise me that no matter what happens, from here on out...that we will always do this...take time to just soak each other in."_

_"And be creepers?"_

She smiled and nodded.

_"Absolutely."_

_"I promise you that I will do whatever I can to make you the happiest woman on Earth, for the rest of my life."_

_"I promise the same."_

_"No need, Q ball...I'm already there."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yep...just stick with me kid and I'll show you the world."_

She grinned really wide when I quoted one of her favorite books of the moment that she had been begging me to read.

_"You read it?"_

_"You asked."_

_"Begged is more like it."_

_"For you Q, I'd move mountains."_

_"And rivers and valleys?"_

_"Yup."_

_"When did we get so cheesy?"_

_"When we stopped being polite...and started getting real."_  I winked.

_"Ok...enough!"_

* * *

She pressed her lips against mine and squeezed me tight.

My body was set a blaze as she grinded against me.

She was doing this to shut me up and I didn't mind one bit.

I hadn't been kidding when I said she made me this way.

So open.

So free to be myself.

And just so fucking happy.

It was probably sickeningly sweet.

Santana ten years ago would be kicking my ass but fuck her...I was happy.

And in love.

* * *

Moments later, she pulled away, completely breathless.

Her eyes searched mine and I smiled.

Like a complete spaz and I didn't care...not one bit.

Just having her like this...knowing that she was all mine...forever was the best feeling in the world.

She was the personification of love.

And that was all that I needed.

_"Are you done?"_

_"Mmm...baby...all you had to do was ask."_


	34. Mirror (Justin Timberlake)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I don't know how to explain how different things become once you get married.

But some things definitely change.

We had lived together for a few years before getting married and before that we spent plenty of time together and so I pretty much thought that things would be the same...but they weren't.

They were better.

It was like we worked harder to make the other person happy and we started thinking more like a team.

I tried being more flexible in my views, while San worked harder at becoming more stable in her decision making.

I worked harder at being as open to her as possible and she was honest when she needed space.

Her touches were softer, her kisses were sweeter and the fiery look in her eyes was now a steady-going fire instead of an inferno.

Our marriage was working so far and I had high hopes that things would continue that way.

If we fought, she worked like hell to make things up to me.

She was at her best in our marriage...at least...that's what I believed.

* * *

We had been married for five months and were still going at it like newlyweds all summer long.

The next year, for us, was going to be insanely trying and so we did everything that we could to cement our bond.

Which meant...tons of sex and hours long cuddle sessions.

She was about to start a demanding new job and so we were trying to take advantage of our free time together.

I told her about all the times that we spent apart in high school and she did things like take me to the gun range, teach me to dance Salsa and Merengue and we went to couple's therapy occasionally.

We learned a lot about each other and I hoped to keep it that way.

Things were good for us and I wanted them to stay that way but I knew better.

Life never stays the same.

At least not at our age.

People grow up and apart at rapid speeds...

They develop needs that are beyond understanding or hide things that could be hurtful.

We all have our crosses to bear.

But we kept holding on.

We did everything that we could...forsaking all others...to grow together.

When I look back on things...I can say that I should have seen the changes coming...but I was naïve.

San had always been confident in who she was.

Or at least I thought that she was confident.

But we can be different people to everyone.

Even ourselves.

* * *

Our school year was starting up again, my second year of law school and San's last year of grad school, which she was taking online for the most part.

She would now be interning at a music label in L.A. and was forced to move there,

So we were only really going to be seeing each other when she would fly up on Sunday nights and until Wednesday afternoons, all at the label's expense.

They valued her and didn't want her to neglect her studies and since she had classes on campus on Mondays and Wednesdays, they made sure that her work schedule worked with it.

Britt had finished rehab around the time that summer was ending and with Derek's help, she was renting out the apartment underneath ours.

The rehab had set her up with a job close by, she had a sponsor and a therapist that she saw each day, along with AA meetings.

San says that it made her feel better that I would have someone close by for those times that she wouldn't be around.

It was her hope that with Britt there, I wouldn't be lonely.

But I resented that idea.

Admittedly, at first, I was annoyed but after she was gone that first few weeks...I realized how right she was about loneliness.

At first, I was happy that I would still get to see her during the week but I don't think that I realized just how time-consuming her all-day classes were until they started eating up the little bit of time that I had with her.

She had study groups, on-call work-study duties and she had joined a sorority.

It was like I was an after thought...but I wanted to be a good wife.

Besides, I was in law school and had plenty of my own work to fill the times that she was away.

Ironically, I was the loneliest when she was at Stanford...just a few miles away, more than when she was hundreds of miles away in L.A.

That was when I should have seen the beginning of the changes.

But I didn't.

* * *

My heart though...started to ache.

While I had Brittany to keep me company in San Francisco...in my mind, San had too much company in L.A. and that made me nervous.

There were times that she didn't answer my calls.

Or when she would come home on Monday mornings go straight to classes and wouldn't show up at home until after her full day was over.

It was like the more time she spent away from me...the less connected I felt to her.

But I trusted her and she trusted me.

For all that we knew...it was just for a year.

No biggie, right?

We knew that it would be difficult but our love was strong enough to make it last.

I was sure of it.

* * *

At first, I didn't even notice the changes in her.

And if I did...I overlooked them because they were so minor,

But as time went on the changes became more apparent.

Each time that I saw her...there was something new about her.

The first time, it was that she put blonde highlights in her hair.

The second and third time, a tattoo and then a piercing.

In first three months she got five tattoos.

All tasteful and discreet...thankfully.

Then there were the added muscles because she was in a spin class and had started hiking.

She was healthy and insanely hot...in and out of her clothes.

Which I definitely didn't mind.

I was convinced that most of her changes were just a side effect of living as a young music executive protegé in West Hollywood.

None of that was an issue...

* * *

There were other things though that had me on edge.

Things that just were red flags for me or at least they should have been.

Things that I couldn't understand, like how each time that I saw her, she was becoming quieter and more reserved.

Her voice became higher...less raspy.

She ducked her head a lot and acted shy.

Over all she was still my Santana, in the bedroom at least.

It was how she was to outsiders that got my attention.

She didn't hold her head up and clung to my hand tightly at every opportunity.

But I tried to just brush it off.

I told myself that she was just growing up...but I knew in my heart that it was more than that.

A big part of me felt like I was losing her.

But then she would come home and fuck me senseless.

She would be romantic and take me out.

No matter what was going on in her life in Los Angeles, when it was just the two of us...she was still the woman who I married.

And in that moment, it was enough for me.

Even if, it shouldn't have been.

* * *

It had been four weeks since I had last seen her.

She hadn't shown up for Thanksgiving because she was being flown to Vegas with her boss and a client.

But I didn't freak out because Derek and Nicky came to the city and along with Brittany, they kept me completely distracted.

I tried not to let it get to me...

I was a good sport.

San didn't know that I was upset.

Nobody did.

I just swallowed the hurt and looked forward to Christmas.

Our first Christmas.

It would wipe the bitterness away.

And I would make it extra special.

At least that was my plan.

* * *

Christmas was quickly approaching and she promised me that the whole week between Christmas and New Years' was going to be all about us.

And so I did everything that I could to be ready for her.

Presents.

A tree.

Brittany had even convinced Derek to fly her to New York for the week just to give us our space.

Everything was set up.

And then two days before Christmas, she called me.

She wasn't coming.

Something had come up.

I offered to drive down to her, I was on winter break until the second week of January and so this would be perfect.

She didn't tell me not to but she didn't sound too thrilled about it either.

And so I got pissed.

* * *

 _"What aren't you saying, Santana?"_  I snapped at her after a whole ten minutes of her changing the subject.

_"I don't know what you mean."_

_"I just asked you if you wanted me to drive down...just to be with you. I won't even be in the way...and you don't sound excited. We haven't seen each other in almost a month. I miss you, San."_

I felt like an idiot but putting myself out there seemed to always work for my marriage and so I wasn't going to discount that because of foolish pride.

She let out a sigh and then cleared her throat.

I was preparing myself to be let down but then she surprised me.

 _"You know what, Q..."_  I could hear that she was doing dishes and it made me smile to know that she was just being domestic.  _"Come down. I think that would fun...yeah? Like old times. I can't wait to see you, Q."_

_"Yea? Promise me that it's okay."_

_"I promise."_

_"Great...I guess I should pack up then...maybe I can get on the road in an hour or so."_ I said with all the excitement of a sex starved wife.

_"Uh...maybe the morning would be better. It's late and that's a six-hour drive."_

She sounded frantic but I told myself that she was just worried.

The sound of her washing dishes had stopped.

And that's when the amount of change became overwhelming.

That's when I knew that something was definitely wrong with her.

And I was determined to find out what it was.

This was just something that I couldn't handle.

* * *

I'm sure she didn't even realize that she had given herself away.

Or that I even noticed something so small.

But I did.

Aside from her breathing...it was completely silent.

Ever since we moved in together, I knew for a fact that San ALWAYS has music going in the background...even when she's watching tv but especially when she's cleaning.

And there was none.

Knowing that even that change had occured...made me freak a bit...but I couldn't show that.

I didn't want to do anything to scare her away.

Crazy, right?

_"Okay, San."_

_"Yea? Okay...so call me when you get on the road tomorrow."_

_"I will."_

_"Okay...see you tomorrow then?"_

_"I'll see you tomorrow, baby. I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was freaking out as I put the phone down on the counter top.

My hands were sweaty and shaking as I bent forward and rested my head on my hands.

_"Hey? You okay, Ana?"_

From the moment that hand touched my back, I broke.

My whole body shook as I cried against my hands.

I shook my head and just tried to hold it together but I didn't think that was possible.

 _"You need to leave."_  I whispered softly without moving a muscle.

_"Why?"_

_"Quinn will be here tomorrow."_

_"So what, I haven't seen her in ages...it would be good to see her."_

I knew that this would happen eventually.

It was just a matter of time.

_"It wasn't a suggestion...you need to leave. Please don't make me beg."_

_"Ok, fine. When do you want me to come back?"_

The soothing circles on my back made me feel calmer even if my stomach was still churning.

_"Not until she goes back to San Francisco. I can't explain this to her right now. She won't understand."_

_"I thought you said that you already talked to her?"_

_"About this? Fuck, no! I couldn't go through with it."_

_"Turn around, Ana...let me look at you."_

* * *

I turned around, resting my ass against the counter and nervously, I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jean skirt.

My head was suddenly hurting from the amount of tears struggling to come down.

But I wouldn't let the tears come.

Not yet.

I looked into those eyes and tried to smile but I couldn't.

How did I think that I could live like this...torn between who I was and who I was becoming?

 _"Tell me what to do."_  I whispered.

_"What do you want to do?"_

_"I love her...she's my wife. I'm committed to her...but she won't see this the way that I do. She will think that I'm cheating on her but that's not what this is. I love her. I'm committed to my marriage."_  I said as the tears began to drip down my cheeks. _"I swear...I can't fucking do this to her. Not right now."_  I was openly weeping.

She nodded and rubbed small circles on my hips as she held onto me.

Keeping me grounded as I continued to lose myself.

_"I know, Ana. I already told you...if you didn't love her...we wouldn't be here, doing this."_

I dropped my head and looked down at my hands.

They still trembled as the body in front of me trapped me against the counter.

I looked up again and saw a small smile.

_"Should I tell her? Am I making the right decision?"_

_"I told you to tell her already...you told me it would happen on Thanksgiving and then you volunteered to go to Vegas...and now here we are. So this is all on you."_

_"I know...and for the last four weeks...I would get on that plane and set out to tell her and then just end up staying on campus...hiding from her. From my wife!"_

My heart raced.

I hadn't meant to say that.

Fingers tipped my chin up and I could see that I had said the wrong thing.

* * *

_"You lied."_

_"I know."_

_"You know what, Ana. Providence has shined on us. I'm ending this...right here...right now. I had one rule and you broke it four times over."_

_"What?!"_ I could feel the spark of anger burn through me.  _"You can't fucking do that to me...that's not fair!"_

_"Watch yourself."_

_"Fuck you...I don't need to watch myself. This is MY fucking house. You watch yourself."_

_"Ana."_

There was a warning in her tone but I didn't hear it.

I was too busy flying off the handle.

Years of practice and patience, training to control myself and in that one moment it was all useless.

* * *

I threw my body forwards and collided with her.

She stumbled back and I used the opportunity to flee up the stairs.

But running was pointless...I wasn't being chased.

I made it to the top of the stairs before stopping, when I heard the clicking of heels.

Then the rustling of a bag.

I slumped down onto the top step.

She was leaving.

And probably never coming back.

I should be happy.

I should be relieved...but I wasn't.

But I was scared.

And then I heard the front door slam.

The lock clicked in place.

A few moments later...the revving of an engine and then the squealing of tires.

I was officially alone now.

She wasn't coming back.

* * *

I spent the rest of the night cleaning the house from top to bottom while weeping.

By the time that I finally crawled into my bed, the sun had been up for a little while.

I had missed my spin class and was late for work but I didn't care.

There was no way that I could function with everything that was going on.

So I called my boss, explained that Quinn was coming down for the break and how I would make this day up to him.

It was Christmas Eve and he told me that he was in a good mood...and he gave me the week off.

And even though usually that meant that I would have to do something incredibly demeaning...I took the boon and hung up as soon as I could...

Before he could change his mind.

My eyes had just closed when the phone rang again.

I knew that I was half asleep but I answered anyway.

* * *

_"Yea?"_

_"Tell me that you want this to end."_

I was alert almost immediately.

She wasn't coming back...but here she was...calling me.

_"Huh?"_

_"Say that you want this to be over, Santana."_

_"Um...I don't...uh...please? Tell me what to do?"_

_"Did you hurt yourself last night?"_

I smiled.

She was worried about me.

_"I'm sore from cleaning all night...but I didn't do anything else."_

_"Progress."_

_"Thanks to you."_  I said as I glanced up at the mirror across from the bed.

My hair was fluffy and frizzy...looking more like a lion's mane than the sleek look that I was now accustomed to.

But my eyes were what had me staring.

They were big and vulnerable...and very bloodshot.

They had dark rings under them and sunk in a bit.

I looked sick.

And used up.

I needed to fix myself for Quinn...I didn't want to give myself away.

She needed to stay happy and trusting.

I wanted her to still see me as the woman that she married.

Because that's who I was...or at least, that's who I wanted to be.

* * *

_"Have you talked to her?"_

_"Not yet...she likes to sleep in...she should be calling soon. I'm not sure about what to do...please tell me what to do?"_

_"Tell me that you are ready to end this."_

_"What if that isn't what I want?"_

_"Tell me this, Ana...what if Quinn gets to L.A. and decides that she wants to stay or that she wants to transfer schools. How would you be able to continue doing this?"_

_"I did it before. It's what got me through UCLA...you got me through those years...I was able to be who she needed me to be. I was able to love her with my whole heart...I could do it again."_

_"Except this time around you are married...so maybe you could just be honest with her about what it is that you need."_

_"I can't do that."_

_"It's time to come clean, Ana."_

_"I know...Fuck...I know, alright. It's been time for a while now. I need to be upfront with her...but not until after Christmas...but definitely before the new year."_

_"I think that's a good plan."_

_"Good...and you will let me come see you, if things fall apart again?"_

_"I hope that you won't have to come see me but you know that my door is always open to you."_

And there was the relief that I needed the night before.

She would still be a safety net.

Almost like an insurance policy that you pay into and you pray to never use.

* * *

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes...and Quinn too."_

I could practically see her smiling.

She was letting me know that it wouldn't be the same if I came back to her.

That if I did come back...Quinn should be with me.

She was going to be there...but not how it had been.

And I could accept that.

I just knew that with her in my corner...I could handle myself the way that I needed to.

And be a good wife the way that I wanted to be.

I looked at my face in the mirror and could see the calm taking over.

Thank God.

_"You're ready to do this, Ana. Just remember what I've taught you. You can handle this. Be happy. Enjoy your holiday with your wife...I left your present under the tree...for the both of you. Merry Christmas, Ana."_

_"Thank you. Merry Christmas."_

At almost the exact moment that I ended the call, my phone started to ring again.

Q's smiling face came up on the screen and I smiled as I swiped my finger across the screen.

 _"Here goes nothing."_ I muttered to myself.

* * *

 _"Hey baby."_ I said, as I resolved myself to the fact that I wouldn't be sleeping anymore today, sliding onto my feet, I made my way to the bathroom.

_"Hi! Thank God you answered...so um...are you home?"_

I smiled to myself as I heard the old Motown music in the background.

Every time that I talked to Quinn over the last few months, there had been this part of me that was disconnected because I felt like I was deceiving her but right now I was fully engaged and it felt good.

She felt like home again and up until this moment, I hadn't realized how much I had missed her.

_"Yea...I called out of work, so that I could spend time with you."_

_"That's great...so um...last night when we hung up, I didn't listen to you. I packed the car and I started driving."_

My eyebrows shot up.

I should have known better.

Quinn never goes down that easily.

Stupid me!

_"Tell me that you didn't take the whole drive? Where are you?"_

_"I'm in Fresno. I drove until I got tired and stopped for the night."_

_"Oh thank goodness."_

_"Yea...so I realized that since I have never been to your place...I put in the address of the old beach house. I don't actually know where you live."_

Thank God for small miracles.

That had been intentional on my part but now was the time to stop hiding.

Little by little.

* * *

After making sure that Quinn knew where to go, I set about getting myself ready for her arrival.

I showered, did my hair, cleaned up the house once more and then I made sure that there was no evidence that was left behind from last night.

Nothing lying around that would give me away before I was ready to talk to my wife about how I was spending my time.

And when I couldn't find anything but the present that had been left under the tree for us...I was able to relax.

I had a little over two hours before Q showed up and so I decided to crawl back in bed for an hour instead of running or going to therapy.

When I'm tired...I forget to talk...I forget how to be strategic and right now...I couldn't afford any slip ups.

This was our first Christmas as a married couple and I wouldn't let anything ruin that.

Especially not me.


	35. Big White Room (Jessie J)

* * *

_"Why are you calling me?"_

_"I needed you."_

_"Really? How is that even possible?"_

_"I should paint these walls."_

_"Ana?"_

_"You've seen these walls...this place needs some color...right?"_

_"Ana, focus."_

I laid staring at the ceiling and the walls, completely naked.

My skin felt like it was on fire and the only relief was opening all the windows and laying completely still and naked.

_"I am focusing."_

_"Where is Quinn?"_

_"She's on her way...she should be here soon."_

_"And yet you are calling me? We discussed this."_

_"I know. I just...I don't know."_

_"I'm hanging up."_

_"I know."_

_"Don't call me again until you talk to her."_

_"Fine."_

I hung up and tossed the phone to the side.

Maybe I could try to sleep some more.

She had been serious about cutting me off.

And it hurt.

I had her but really...I was still alone.

And now I was crying.

Great!

Fuck her.

* * *

Sleep didn't happen.

The moment that I closed my eyes again, my head began to pound and my skin felt too tight.

Too hot.

So I got up again, made the bed and walked through the house once more to make sure that it was immaculate.

The cleaner the better.

It calmed me.

 _"What now?"_  I whispered as I stood in the foyer and looked into the house.

If my time was correct, Q would be here in the next half hour.

Should I call her?

But then my phone buzzed and there was Nicky's smiling face.

I now had the perfect distraction...

Brittany.

* * *

_"Hey, B."_

_"Hi! Merry Christmas Eve!"_

_"Thanks, B. How's New York?"_

_"Cold. I got used to the sunshine...I miss it."_

_"Mmmhmmm...I totally understand."_

_"How are you? Do you need anything?"_

I could tell from her voice that she was chewing on her lip.

_"I'm fine, B. Quinn's on her way...she should...um...be here in a half hour."_

_"Oh...I'm guessing it was her idea. I guess now, I can't distract her for you anymore. You're gonna tell her right?"_

_"I was thinking about it."_

_"Hmm."_

_"What?"_  I snapped.

_"Are you sure you don't need anything? I could...um...help...if uh-"_

I walked out onto the front stoop and looked out over the property.

And then I saw the front gate...

Crap.

I didn't tell them that she was coming.

Crap.

One more thing to explain.

* * *

_"Exactly...you can't do anything. If you hadn't gone to New York maybe she wouldn't have wanted to come here."_

_"Hey! That's not fair...why wouldn't I want to come see my son? My husband? You should have been honest with her from the beginning!"_

She was pissed.

Back in high school, Britt snapped at me from time to time but she never raised her voice.

But now she was.

 _"I was waiting for the right time."_  I said lamely.

And that seemed to break the ice because she chuckled.

_"Oh Ana...sweetheart, there is never a right or wrong time. All you have is now. You told me that before. Take your own advice before it gets worse."_

_"You're right."_

_"I know."_

_"What should I do?"_

_"Tell me how you feel?"_

I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair a few times before taking a big breath.

_"Hot. Sore. Tired but in control."_

_"Sounds like a beach day...take her to lunch...go to the beach...and maybe lay the groundwork for what you need to talk about."_

_"Yea...I um...I think that's...when did you get so smart?"_

_"I'm a genius remember? Oh and Q has recently discovered bacon sushi...just a tip. Derek is pointing at his watch. I've got AA...take care of yourself, promise me."_

_"I promise, B. Merry Christmas."_

* * *

I walked back into the house, across the big living room, through the gigantic dining room and into the stadium style kitchen.

This had been my home.

Big and white.

Luxurious and empty.

It was enough to make a person go crazy.

But I didn't really have a choice.

I pressed the alarm buzzer and waited to hear a beep.

_"Ms. Lopez?"_

_"Hi Cesar. I've got a visitor coming."_

_"Name."_

_"Quinn Fabray."_

_"Ahhh...I finally get to see the wife."_

_"Don't give me shit, Cesar. Not today."_

_"Okay, how long is she staying?"_

_"Two weeks...maybe?"_

_"Okay...I will give her a pass."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"I don't understand, Britt. What aren't you telling me?"_

_"Why didn't you tell me that you were thinking of going to L.A.?"_

_"I didn't think that I had to."_

_"You don't...it just would have been nice to know."_

_"Bullshit. She's keeping something from me and you know about it."_

_"What?"_

_"Tell me that's not true, Brittany."_

There was silence on the other end.

And suddenly my heart was plummeting to my stomach.

I felt bad for sucking Britt into the middle of our marriage issues but from what I could tell, she was already in the middle and had picked a side.

She sighed and then I heard her sneakers squeaking on the floor.

She was pacing.

This was serious.

* * *

_"I can't lie to you."_

_"Oh God."_  I pulled to the side of the road.

Tears were blurring my vision as I rested my head on the steering wheel.

I couldn't focus on anything but the squeaking of her shoes.

And the faint sound of her footsteps.

_"She came to see me in rehab...just before she left for L.A."_

_"Oh God...Britt, I'm freaking the fuck out."_  I said as I slammed my hand against the steering wheel.

_"I can't tell you more than that...just that she needs to talk to you. She plans to talk to you...just wait her out. Let her come to you about it."_

_"I don't think I can."_

_"You can...and if you want your marriage to..."_ She sighed again and then the squeaking stopped and she started whispering. _"I know from experience that sometimes pushing a person to do what you want, can ruin a marriage. She needs you to just be there and listen...be there and be encouraging. I'm telling you, Q...for your own good and hers...back off until she is ready. Remind her of what she has waiting at home for her. Promise me that you will do that."_

 _"I can try."_  I whispered back.

_"No...you need to do more than try."_

_"Okay...I will wait for her."_

_"Okay, okay...good. Look I need to get back to my AA meeting or Derek is going to freak out. Have fun in L.A. I love you."_

_"Love you too, B."_

* * *

I should be at her place by now.

But I'm not.

After talking to Britt, I just needed to sit there and think about things.

I kept going over the last few months in my mind.

My gut hadn't been wrong.

She wasn't the same Santana.

The sex had even been different, if I really thought about it.

It was like she was restraining herself.

The passion was intense and gentle but I could tell that she was holding back.

But I hadn't really given it much thought until now.

It seemed like every single thing that I had fallen for, had changed.

And now I was faced with a tough decision...

I could turn around and go home...make up an excuse and just wait for her to come to me.

Or...

I could go to her and pretend that everything was fine...pretend that I didn't know that we needed to talk...pretend that she wasn't hiding something.

Or...

I could go in there...guns blazing...and make her talk to me.

What other choice did I have?

Three different ways...the Brittany Pierce way...the Fabray way or Santana's way.

* * *

My phone was ringing as I sat there staring out at the road.

I had been sitting there for about an hour just looking at the palm tree in front of me.

Thinking about which way to choose.

And then I looked at my phone screen and I saw her face.

Smiling...laughing and I knew what needed to happen.

I shifted into drive.

My mind was made up.

I would do what was necessary.

For our marriage to survive.

She didn't even have to ask.


	36. My Love Is Like a Star (Demi Lovato)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw her.

There had been so many changes over the last few months that for all I knew, she could have shaved her head.

We didn't Skype...how would I know?

My navigation system was taking me out of downtown L.A. and towards the hills.

That didn't seem right to me.

But then...I should have expected that too.

She was getting weekly flights, our apartment was still being paid for and she was constantly looking very well put together.

Her living in Beverly Hills wasn't much of a stretch past that.

How blind had I been?

Why hadn't she told me any of this?

I was still crying as I pulled up to a huge iron gate.

What the fuck?

* * *

I wiped at my face when I saw a short guy walking towards my car.

My tears had been streaming down my cheeks the entire ride and so I probably looked like shit but he was smiling.

He tapped my window and then waited.

How was I supposed to act normal when I saw her after this?

I took a deep breath and put the window down.

_"Hi, I'm here to see Santana Lopez...I'm Quinn, her wife."_

He smiled and put his hand out for me to shake.

I shook it and then pulled my hand back.

He leaned closer and looked around inside the car and then at me.

_"She's been calling down here for the last hour asking if you got here and threatening to go all Lima Heights if I got you lost...I'm glad you finally showed up. I'm Cesar...the gate keeper."_

I felt a smile come to my face.

That sounded like my wife.

It gave me hope.

_"Is that your actual title?"_

He smiled and shook his head as he handed me a placard for my window and a plastic card on a lanyard.

_"No, I just think it sounds cool. Put this on your rearview mirror...security here is very strict about that. You are going to go through this gate, make the second left and follow the road to the end of the cul-de-sac. The address is 20-15...each house has its own gate. Swipe this pass through the reader and follow the drive up to the house. She will meet you at the house. Got it?"_

_"Wow. That's a lot to remember."_

_"Trust me it's much easier than it sounds. We have a lot of high-profile people living here...paparazzi tends to swarm at times. We need to be careful about who has access."_

_"Wow...thank you, Cesar."_

_"My pleasure, Mrs. Lopez...enjoy your stay."_

* * *

Every single house that I passed by was a mansion.

They all had these huge gates and it just seemed the further I drove, the bigger they got.

How was she able to live like this?

The questions just kept racking up.

Britt was so going to hear about this when I saw her.

If she knew all of this and hadn't told me...even when she saw me suffering for four long weeks...

Breathe Quinn...just...

Fuck.

I saw the address.

**20-15**

The house that stood beyond the gate was the kind of thing that you see in old Hollywood movies.

It was more than a mansion...

This had been where my wife had been living.

And the Santana that I knew would have been bragging.

Shit...I would be.

How could she not tell me anything?

When she moved in she had told me that it was nice.

But that was it.

I figured it was comparable to our apartment.

But this...

I felt sick.

* * *

By the time that made it past the gate, I was cursing.

It was the only way that I could get out my frustration with my wife before actually seeing her.

My music was blasting and I was pretty sure that my face was soaked.

The driveway was pretty long but I could see her standing outside of the house.

It was far enough away that I couldn't see any of her features but I could see her.

My heart was racing.

The cursing slowed and I remembered why I was here.

I remembered how excited I was to spend time with her.

And so halfway down the driveway...I stopped the car.

Turned the music off,

And without another moment's hesitation, I dropped my head and I prayed.

The prayer wasn't long.

Or eloquent.

Just short and sweet.

_"Father be with me, help me to do right by her...even if you have to silence my tongue. Amen."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was on edge.

There was all this pressure to be honest with my wife.

And I was tempted to put it off.

But then when I saw her car pulling up the driveway and I was filled with guilt.

Guilt for not being truthful about where I lived, how I lived or why I lived this way.

I hated this place.

Well most days, I did and other days...it was a sanctuary.

These last four weeks...it had been a prison.

It's why I was never home unless I had to be.

Now though...I needed to be honest.

I was mumbling to myself.

Going over and over in my head what I would say to her.

How I would act...if I would smile or make a smart ass comment.

But then the car stopped and so did I.

Everything seemed to freeze in that moment...even my breathing.

* * *

Was I supposed to go to her?

Had she changed her mind?

Fuck...fuck...fuck.

What was I supposed to do?

I needed her help.

But she was gone.

It was just me.

Fuck.

 _"Please God...help!"_  I mumbled as I bounced on my feet and wrapped my arms around myself.  _"God, please...please...I need her."_

I was suddenly filled with a shitload of energy and emotions but I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot.

And then just a few seconds later...she was driving again.

I could breathe again.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I parked the car at the top of the driveway and took a moment to look at her.

She had lost more weight...which didn't even seem possible.

Her skin was pale and her hair was longer.

She still looked flawless but I could see the cracks in her armor.

From the outside...she looked like a bombshell beauty but to me...her wife...I could see that she was sick.

And suddenly the anger was gone.

It was like God was helping me to see beyond what she presented to the world.

This was what Britt had been trying to say.

She needs you...

Be patient...

And now that I could see that...see her...

I knew that it wasn't about trying to be there.

It was more than that.

* * *

 _"Hey."_  I said when I stepped in front of her.

She didn't say anything in response, instead she just pulled me against her.

Her body felt smaller.

Almost too small.

She hadn't been doing well in the last month.

I should have seen the signs.

I should have come sooner.

 _"I missed you."_  She whispered as she clung tightly to me.

 _"I missed you more."_  I said before kissing her neck.

 _"Impossible."_ She said as she pulled back and looked into my eyes.

Now that I was closer to her, I could see the dark rings under her eyes and how dilated her pupils were.

She looked tired.

But I wasn't going to comment.

In that moment, I knew that I had to handle this like a Fabray.

Quiet and observant.

_"Maybe you're right."_

She nodded, satisfied with my answer and then took my hand and pulled me towards the house.

* * *

It was too much.

She was one person.

This was just too much for her.

I was worried.

 _"Are you hungry?"_  She asked as she pulled me into the kitchen.

I was tempted to say no...but then I looked at just how skinny she was and decided against it.

_"Yea...how about we go out for lunch?"_

She smiled and nodded.

_"Sure, Lucy Q...I was thinking the same thing...maybe the beach?"_

_"Oh that sounds great, baby. With school and work, I have not had time to see the beach in quite a while."_

_"That's a shame...well, while you are here...we can take care of that...yea?"_

She was holding her hands out in front of her and smiling with her everything.

It was refreshing.

_"Definitely."_

_"Okay...well why don't we get you unpacked and then we can head out."_

_"Great!"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was doing my best to be normal.

But she knew.

I could tell.

Her eyes never lied...actually Quinn just couldn't lie for shit and I knew, that she knew that something was up.

And so when she decided to take a shower and get ready for our day at the beach, I slipped away.

I just needed the time.

I needed to know what I was up against.

Sometimes things between me and Quinn could feel like a game of chess.

And I didn't want that.

I wanted a marriage that mirrored my parents not hers.

And I knew that she wanted that too...

* * *

 _"Please...just talk me through this."_  I whispered into my phone.

_"Are you scared? Seriously? It's just Quinn...the love of your life."_

_"I know but she...I don't know...it was just off."_

_"I think that you are worrying yourself too much. She's your wife. You chose her...deal with it."_  She snapped.

_"B, please...I'm freaking...did you tell her something?"_

_"Um...no?"_

I groaned and walked along the driveway, cracking my knuckles.

Merry fucking Christmas.

 _"What did you tell her, Brittany?"_  I snapped back, as I looked towards the house.

The last thing that I needed, was my wife to sneak up on me.

_"Just to be patient with you."_

_"That's it? You didn't tell her that you knew something that she didn't...because that's a whole different thing than you just telling her to be patient."_

_"Look...I'm so fucking tired of being in the middle of you two, Santana. I am working on beating a fucking addiction and being a good mother and wife. I have my own shit to deal with. Okay? I need you to grow up and deal with this. It's not going away...we both know that. Just fucking deal with it. She isn't going to leave you...I didn't. I stuck around...and now its her turn. Okay?"_

_"B...I-"_

She sighed and cut me off.

_"Look, I need to go...it's Christmas Eve and I'm sober. I'd like to enjoy the time that I have with Nicky. So you need to go now and talk to your wife."_

_"Okay."_

_"Yea?"_

_"I'm sorry, B. Go have fun with Nicky. Merry Christmas."_ I muttered.

_"Merry Christmas."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Standing under the water had worked to calm my nerves.

I realized that this was the first time that I didn't think that she was cheating on me.

This was something else, entirely.

When we had first started dating she told me about all the darkness that she felt.

About how sometimes she just needs to be held.

I remembered how worried her mom was when she was upset.

And things just started clicking for me.

This was bigger than her.

She seemed really scared.

And she had been alone in this big house for way too long.

It was enough to make me leave school...

Enough to make me consider moving here.

Was that crazy?

* * *

I knew that I had taken longer than normal in the shower but after all the driving and crying, I needed it.

When I stepped out into her bedroom, wrapped in one of her big fluffy robes, I froze for a second.

She was just sitting there staring at the mirror across from her bed.

Not moving...not doing anything.

Her eyes looked dead and it gave me a chill down my back.

_"San?"_

Her head snapped towards me and her face immediately changed.

She smiled softly and looked over my body.

Her sex drive wasn't broken at least.

_"Hey, Q...good shower?"_

I stepped closer to her and smiled.

_"I didn't want to get out."_

_"Mmm yea...I can see that...you look like you were thinking hard."_  She said as I stood in front of her.

Her hands came to rest on my hips, as she looked up at me.

_"I was just about to say the same thing about you."_

I rested my hands on her cheeks and I tipped her head up further.

She was trying her best to smile but her eyes said so much more.

She was definitely scared.

* * *

 _"Yea?"_  She whispered.

I stepped as close as possible and soaked up being in her arms.

_"I've been keeping things from you...but...I'm not cheating...there is no one else for me but you. You know that right?"_

She smiled shakily at me as she ran her hands over my hips and up my back.

 _"I know that now."_  I admitted.

She nodded and then leaned her head forward and rested it against my stomach.

* * *

I don't know how long I stood there, holding her head as she held me tightly.

But I knew that I would stand there for however long it took.

She needed this moment.

And so finally, after I felt like enough time had passed, I finally whispered to her.

_"When you're ready...we will talk. We have two weeks."_

And for the first time she laughed...genuinely as she pulled back and looked up at me.

_"Let's hope that it doesn't take me that long."_

_"Do you want to get it over with?"_

My heart raced as I waited for her answer.

She looked really nervous now.

But I could see it.

The truth was there...on her face and in her eyes.

She wanted to lean on me...rely on me.

I was trying to be patient.

What other choice was there?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Brittany had been right.

I knew it.

But I needed that kick in the ass.

And so even though I wasn't ready...I needed to suck it the fuck up and be a good wife.

I needed Quinn more than I needed anyone in the world.

She was my everything and if I couldn't be real and honest with her...than I had failed somewhere down the line.

I had asked for us to be honest with each other, to not bring Britt in the middle and I turned around and did it myself.

I was wrong.

But it's never too late to fix things.

* * *

We sat in the back of a sushi restaurant, both ready to talk.

Neither willing to go first.

But then...this was about me...she was probably waiting for me.

And from the looks of it...she would wait forever.

I reached across the table and took her hands into mine.

My skin still felt hot but the coolness of her hands seemed to fix that.

It was like a sign.

She balanced me out.

It's what my therapist said.

And Britt too.

Mami had even known it...even before all of this...she would point to Quinn and tell me that she was the one to build my world around.

That she would protect me to the death.

Even if we had gone to blows a few times.

Mami was sure of it.

I fought it for so long...thinking that it was Britt that I needed but as time went by...I saw that Mami had been right.

Being away from Quinn made me lose control faster.

* * *

 _"I've been sick...well...kind of. I'm not dying or anything...at least not yet."_  I smiled but her face was super serious. She was trying not to speak...she was waiting for me again.

I hated that my brain worked this way.

These days, it had been harder to focus.

_"Santana...I'm asking. Please, what's wrong? I'm here...no matter what...I promise."_

I smiled and dropped my head before taking a deep breath and looking back at her.

She looked scared.

That was definitely an emotion that I was familiar with it.

My control was slipping but I needed to be present.

I needed to be here with her.

 _"When I was in Louisville...things got bad...it's part of the reason that I left. The shrinks down there thought I was schizo...but I talked to my dad and he told me to come home. So I did...and the shrinks in Louisville were wrong. I was put on antidepressants though...I stopped taking them when I got to New York. I was okay...a little unattached but okay. Things started to fall apart again when Britt had her accident and my parents were worried, of course...before our second road trip...my dad took my gun away. He thought I was going to kill myself."_  She had tears in her eyes...but I continued.  _"After that episode that I had...in the beach house...right before I disappeared..."_

_"When you hit me."_

_"Yea...when I hit you...I started seeing another shrink. Papi threatened me when I admitted to hitting you and scratching up my arms...he was going to have me admitted. I think he was seeing what those shrinks in Louisville were seeing. Anyway...the new shrinks talked to the old shrinks...and I finally got diagnosed correctly."_

_"Okay, what is it?"_

_"I have Dissociative Identity Disorder."_  I finally said in one rushed breath.

And then I waited.

Watched and waited.

* * *

She smiled.

I swear to you, Quinn Fabray smiled like the fucking Grinch.

_"Split personalities?"_

_"Yea...just one other."_

_"And you both are in love me, right?"_

I couldn't help but laugh through my tears.

Her vanity never takes a vacation.

_"Yes."_

_"Good."_

She nodded and then sat back and nodded to herself.

She was not taking this how I expected.

Britt had been right.

I was overthinking and worrying too much.

* * *

_"Q? Say something."_

_"Wow...I'm sorry, it's just that this explains...so much."_  She said as she looked at me in shock.

 _"Does it?"_  I said feeling confused.

_"Oh baby, it does and if that's it...if that's what we are up against...I'm in this with you. Even when I'm not able to physically be with you...I'm here. You aren't alone in this. Not ever again...okay?"_

Relief.

 _"Oh my God."_  I rested my head in my hands and started crying. _"You..."_  I whispered.  _"That's so good..."_

She slid into the booth next to me and wrapped an arm around me.

_"Shhh...I'm here...just breathe...I'm here now...okay."_

I rested against her and just cried into her neck.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Stop...don't do that."_  She scolded.

_"I am, Q...I'm really fucking sorry."_

_"I know baby. I know."_


	37. The One (Tamar Braxton)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"So tell me about all the changes."_

We had pretty much left the restaurant and walked the beach until sunset before heading back to the house.

She seemed completely out of it by the time we climbed into her company car.

Thankfully, I was prepared to drive and I knew the city well enough to get us home in one piece.

But that didn't mean that me taking over helped her much.

I could see how the drive to the house was zapping her energy exponentially and I knew that this wasn't something new.

This must be how she is each time that she goes home.

She was lonely.

That house represented a prison sentence.

It wasn't her home.

But hopefully me being there would help her feel better.

Suddenly, I felt bad for being upset about having Britt with me.

I thought she would be surrounded.

That she would be wining and dining big shots while I sat at home with Britt.

But I had been wrong.

* * *

I at least had a piece of home with me...Britt had been there even when I wanted to be alone.

But who did San have that was close to her?

Puck and Mercedes had both moved out of California and so she had become the kind of person that was surrounded by people and completely alone.

And it carried over when she came back home.

It hurt my heart to see her like this.

This two weeks had to be amazing.

And I needed to make more of an effort to see her.

Come to her and get her talking when she came to me.

Sex wasn't everything.

She needed more.

* * *

 _"What do you mean?"_  She asked after I had been silent for way too long.

_"The tattoos...the piercings...the extreme weight loss."_

She looked away from me and out the window.

Her shoulders shook as she wiped at her face.

I was tempted to pull over but we were almost there...

Maybe it was too soon for this talk.

 _"I...she...um."_  She stuttered and then shook her head, pressing her palms against her to stop the tears.

I pulled up to the house and she let out a long sigh.

She was fighting a losing battle against her tears.

This was not how tonight was supposed to be.

It was Christmas Eve.

So, I pushed my curiosity aside.

I turned in my seat and reached over, brushing her hair out of her face in the process.

_"Look at me."_

_"No."_  She whispered.

 _"San...please...it's me. Please?"_  I whispered as I ghosted my fingers up her neck, over her jaw and around her hands until I reached her fingers.

With a gentle tug, I pulled her hands from her face and held them.

She was shaking more now.

 _"I..."_  She shook her head and clenched her eyes closed.

But that didn't stop the tears.

I hated this.

Her tears made me ache.

She was the strong one.

She just didn't know it.

* * *

I somehow managed to get her out of the car and into the living room.

She still hadn't spoken or really looked at me but when I pulled, she followed.

I didn't really know what to do...but I was trying.

She sat on the big fluffy couch and rested her hands on her knees.

Her head was down and she was staring at the glass top of the coffee table.

I knelt in front of her and blocked her view.

Now she was forced to look at me.

 _"It's too much."_  She whimpered.

_"Put it all on me, baby love...I'm here for you. Whenever you are ready...but for now, I want us to just enjoy this Christmas...and every one after. I want us to build those traditions that you were talking about...do you want tears and sadness to be a part of those?"_

_"No."_  She mumbled.

She sounded like a five-year old and I couldn't help but crack a smile.

_"No?"_

She shook her head and moved to put her hands over her eyes but I grabbed a hold of her hands before she could.

_"So how about we find something that we do want as a tradition. We can save all the talking for another time...we've had enough excitement for one day...right?"_

It was like I could see the heaviness lift from her.

She perked up a little and then nodded.

_"I'd really like that."_

_"Good...me too."_

* * *

We spent the rest of that night drinking hot chocolate, watching cheesy movies and making plans for the rest of my time in L.A.

It was sweet and light-hearted.

And when we headed up to bed...for the first time since we got married...we didn't have sex.

Instead, we took a long bath together before climbing into her big bed.

There was a lamp on in the corner that she insisted we keep on.

She had always preferred the dark...but I guess that had changed.

The darkness was too much and with the echos in this big house...I didn't blame her.

It was one more thing to check though.

Just because it was something new.

But right then, I didn't question it.

I promised myself that I would save my questions about all her changes until after Christmas.

She needed to feel normal and in control and I was going to do my part.

It felt good to lay curled up in her arms and I just wanted to enjoy it.

 _"Can I ask you something?"_ I whispered after a while.

 _"Anything."_ She said, even if I knew that wasn't true.

I felt her body tense up but she was trying to seem normal.

No tough questions.

* * *

_"Are you allowed to paint the walls?"_

She let out a really big laugh.

 _"We..."_ She paused...and I knew why but I didn't say anything. _"I was just thinking that same thing this morning. I hate the white."_

_"I figured as much."_

_"How did you figure?"_

_"Your childhood bedroom was black...our bedroom back at home is dark blue."_

_"Right...well, I have to ask Trey...he's my boss. This is his house...well one of his houses. In order to keep it...he has to occupy it at least seven months out of the year. Some regulation and so he usually gives it to his interns."_

_"Ahhh...now that makes sense!"_

_"What did you think?"_

_"I was scared to think anything."_

_"Yea well...I didn't have much choice...comes with the job and since its his house...he tends to drop by unannounced."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Cesar has been nice enough to warn me...you know how I like to walk around naked."_

_"Oh thank God...that was my first thought."_

_I said as I slapped her naked ass._

_She curled into me and shot me a glare._

_"Don't start what you can't finish, Q."  
_

_"Mmm...right...so this Trey guy...is he nice, at least when he isn't being a creeper?"_

_"Yea...Trey is a bit of a tyrant but he's good to me for the most part."_

_"The most part?"_

_"Too heavy...I'm changing the subject...okay?"_

_"That's fine, baby."_

_"Good. So, um...how about putting up pictures...he doesn't mind if I hang pictures...maybe that would help?"_

_"Anything would help, my love...this is depressing."_

_"Tell me about it."_

* * *

Hours later, I still couldn't sleep but she was knocked out and so I tried not to move.

I was just glad that I had managed to get her to fall asleep after the night that we had.

She slept with her head on my chest and her leg thrown over me.

Like she was afraid that I would try to escape.

But she would be lucky to get rid of me.

As far as I was concerned, law school could wait.

Her health came first.

With a million thoughts running through my mind, I just held her.

She looked like she needed the sleep more than I did.

The last few months had been so heavy but for all of the wrong reasons.

* * *

I had been worried about her cheating while she was down here losing her mind.

How much worse would things have gotten had I not come down on a whim?

And how the fuck did B know all of this time and not tell me.

I was trying my best not to be annoyed with Britt but I couldn't help myself.

She was trying to be a good friend to San but in the process she wasn't being very helpful.

Even if she didn't tell me what was wrong, she could have at least hinted at the fact that San was like this.

How could she not say anything?

But then...maybe she didn't know it was this bad.

Knowing San, she had just told Britt to look out for me...that she was going through this thing...

I just kept wracking my brain for what felt like hours.

_"Stop it."_

I was shocked out of my thoughts when I looked down and saw two big brown eyes looking back at me.

* * *

_"Stop?"_

_"Your thinking is keeping me awake. Stop."_

I sighed and hugged her tighter.

_"I just...why Britt...why not tell me? I can't...get past that."_

And that's when I saw the defining difference between both versions of her.

It was something that I had seen her do before...shit, everyone had...but I didn't notice it until now.

She nodded, sat up and looked at me with this insightful, stoic look in her eyes.

It as like a total shift from how she had been all night.

Weepy to confident.

This personality was stronger...it was the one that hit Finn after he outed her, it was the one that confessed her love for Brittany, the one that fucked me at Yale and in New York, it was the one that talked to me on the beach...the grounded one.

She would always kid around and call this part of her Snix...but I'm sure the irony of her naming that different personality just to get out of being suspended, not really knowing about it being real wasn't lost on her.

This was the Santana that the world saw...the one that I had known before I fell in love with her.

More self assured and when provoked...more violent.

The one you just didn't fuck with.

* * *

_"I tried to tell you, Q, it just didn't happen. Brittany is easier to talk to sometimes. She doesn't ask questions...it's why she and I worked as a couple. I could hide behind her one-liners and overall goofiness. You and I work now because you see me...all of me. And back then, I was too weak...too naive to handle being seen beyond the stereotypes. Now though as I come into my own...I don't want anyone else to hide behind...too protect me. I know that I need you...and that I need to lean on you because you make me see what I otherwise wouldn't see and as of tonight, I'm trying my best to do just that. You see all sides of me and you knew...even if B hadn't said anything...you knew me enough to know that something wasn't right. I love you for it because you came here and you were willing to wait me out. This is twice now that you have come after me...first with the tulip when I was too scared to come talk to you...and now here you are again. I appreciate that, Q. I need you...and I want you to know that I am so fucking sorry if you felt like I put her before you. That shouldn't have happened. It won't happen again. I just need you to know that."_

I pushed myself up and sat across from her, suddenly afraid to touch her.

Afraid to say the wrong things...but then...wasn't that what I wanted?

To say the wrong things and get the right answers?

She was pouring her heart out without a hint of tears.

This was the strength that I had always admired.

And even in that moment, I was swooning.

My mind was flying in a million different directions.

Was this how she felt?

 _"I know you had your reasons...I get it I guess."_  I shrugged.  _"And I...forgive you. But it still hurts that we ended up here. That you kept this from me."_

_"I'm sorry."_

* * *

When she reached forward in the next moment, prepared to comfort me, I fucked it up.

I flinched.

Bad move.

Her face fell but then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

 _"This is why..."_  Her voice broke but she pushed on.  _"Britt hasn't seen the violent side of me...not really but you have. You watched me explode...dissolve and I didn't want you to be...afraid of me."_

I raised my chin and reached out for her.

_"I'm not...afraid of you."  
_

But then she pulled away and the corner of lip raised in a snarl.

 _"Don't fucking lie to me."_  She snapped before she growled.  _"Fuck!"_

She took a deep breath and then went to touch me again.

And I leaned towards her.

She was reaching out...and I was ready for it.

This time, I didn't flinch.

I had told her to put it all on me...and I had meant EVERYTHING that I had said to her.

I couldn't make a mistake like flinching, again.

So, I let her hold onto my hands and didn't make a big deal about it.

Because she was my wife and the softness of her hands on mine was nothing to be concerned about.

* * *

 _"Okay...just talk...tell me what you want to know. I can't go the next two weeks like this. Lets just get it all out on the table."_ Her eyes drifted towards the clock and then back at me. She raised her eyebrow and then smiled. _"Merry Christmas, Q. What better way to bring in the good Lord's birthday than honesty? Right?"_

_"San we don't have to do this."_

_"No...we do. I do."_

The lamp in the corner showed me the darkness in her eyes.

I couldn't talk to her like this.

Now that I knew about the sides of her personality...it was like I was seeing her through new eyes.

And with her like this...barely holding onto her control...I couldn't push anymore.

Even if she asked for it.

It was my job as her wife to know when she had reached her limits...and even if she didn't think so,

I knew that she had.

 _"San...please."_  I whispered but she tightened her hold on my hands and shook her head.

_"Come on, Q...all you have to do is ask."_

_"No."_

That line of speaking had always worked in the past...but this was different.

This wasn't a game...or some cute moment.

It was almost like she was picking a fight...and I wasn't down for that.

She needed to be distracted.

And I was the master of distraction.

_"No?"_

_"I can't do this with you right now, San...I need your kisses...and intense touches and every part of you that has been my wife. I need to spend this first night together in a month screaming your name and clinging to you instead of tearing apart every inch of your psyche. So please, just fuck me and save the rest for after Christmas...can you do that for me? I'm seriously asking you, Santana."_

_"Is that what you really want?"_

I smiled and nodded.

_"It's what I need...what we both need."_


	38. #Beautiful (Mariah Carey feat. Miguel)

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Yesssss."_ She hissed out as I scratched at her skin.

I was wrapped up in her as she came down from the high that she was on.

_"Good baby?"_

_"More. Don't stop."_ She groaned as I rode her.

She had insisted that I let her take control first.

But then she put on that harness and so I couldn't help but tackle her.

And now, I was grinding my hips down over and over, pushing the insert against her clit, as I scrapped my nails over her chest and stomach.

Her fingers held my waist and urged me on.

Her eyes sparkled as she watched me.

I could see the love in her eyes and I could feel it in her touch.

She was keeping me grounded.

I smiled as I rolled my hips.

Her teeth trapped her lips as she moaned.

I moved my fingers to her hair and then bent forward.

I kept moving my hips as I nipped at her neck and shoulders.

She kept letting out these wispy little breaths that were setting me on edge.

I wanted more.

But not like the past.

Not like when I constantly topped her...even when she was wearing the strap-on.

I wanted to be topped.

And so I kissed up the side of her neck until I was at her ear.

_"Take me, baby. Top me...please?"_

_"Fuck."_  She said as she held my hips still.  _"Tell me what you want."_

She looked up into my eyes and was trying to read them.

_"I want this, Q. For too long I've kept myself from you...especially in the last month. Take what's yours."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

She was here.

All of her.

I held her in my arms and rocked into her slow but with force.

Each time I bottomed out she would suck in a breath and let out a deep groan.

I couldn't stop watching her.

Her eyes were still open and they were watching me.

There was no space between us as she clung tightly to me...just like when I first got here.

The feeling in her touch was desperate.

And I held her just as fiercely.

We brought in the Christmas morning wrapped in passion.

Wrapped in each other.

I kept kissing the hot skin of her face that was only broken by the occasional tear.

Hers or mine...I wasn't sure.

* * *

 _"Yes, baby!"_  She groaned as I began to go faster and harder.  _"Just. Like. That! Yes! Fuck. So good...so...fuck! Good!"_

I was close and from her heavy breathing, I could tell that she was too.

And so I let her go and got on my knees.

She looked up at me like she was going to cry but then I lifted her legs.

And she smiled.

It still amazed her when I did things in bed that she hadn't shown me.

She always says that I was born to be a lesbian.

It was just so natural for me.

Whatever that means!

Cue my eyes rolling.

* * *

Once I had her legs hooked over my elbows, I slammed into her.

 _"Fuck! Again!"_  She groaned as she scratched at my skin.

The sting made me crazy.

I pulled back and slammed down again.

 _"Oh God! Quinn!"_  She screamed and I think I laughed or growled as I continued to go harder and faster.

My hands gripped her waist as I pulled her into every slam.

 _"No. More. Keeping. This. From. Me."_  I punctuated my thrusts with each word.  _"Got. It?"_

_"Yessssss! Ayyyy! Q! I'm so clo-"_

I kissed her lips and used all the energy that I had left to bring her home.

To me...

And with me.

* * *

_"Ay cariño! Oh fuck! Quinnnnnnn!"_

I came a second later as I slowed my strokes and rode out her orgasm with her.

I dropped her legs as I continued to stroke into her.

Her eyes were full of tears as she smiled up at me.

_"I love you."_

_"Never stop."_  I said as I brushed her tears away.

 _"Never."_  She said with a groan.

 _"You are so beautiful."_  I whispered as I watched another orgasm overtake her.  _"I love you so much, San."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I don't know what I had been so afraid of.

How had I underestimated my wife so greatly?

I made myself suffer for months.

But last night...we were together...all of us.

And she loved me.

All of me.

She made me feel complete and like I didn't need to hold so tight to control.

Making love instead of war made sense on a whole other level for me now.

I had been ready to fight through my fears, while she decided that love was the better way.

It was like she reminded me what I had.

And who she was to me...

My wife...

My best friend...

And like Mami had said, again and again, the one.

I got up early the next morning, while she lay curled up in the center of the bed.

Normally I took that time to level with the other part of myself.

With her...but that wasn't what I needed.

I didn't need her.

And that felt amazing.

The fear of losing her had been circumvented by my wife.

And that meant the world to me.

* * *

I stood over the stove, making us breakfast, when I felt her arms wrap around my waist.

 _"Merry Christmas."_  I moaned as I put bacon onto a plate.

_"Mmm...definitely a tradition that I wouldn't mind keeping."_

She said as she stole a piece of bacon while squeezing at my hip.

I groaned when she ground against me.

She trapped me against the counter then her hands came around and held my waist.

I brought my hands to cover hers and leaned back against her.

 _"Thank you."_  I whispered as I dropped my head back on her shoulder.

 _"My pleasure..."_  She said around her mouthful of bacon. I kissed her chin and then just watched the smile on her face get bigger.  _"After breakfast...we should shower...so you can show me how grateful you are."_

* * *

We spent the rest of the day, ignoring phone calls.

Nothing outside of that bedroom mattered.

Things for us had hit a rough patch but we were fixing it.

With every touch.

It was just us.

With every kiss.

Things healed.

And I knew that the strength of our marriage was what was carrying us.

Our love was real for us.

It gave us faith.

No matter how much we were both unsure of the next step...we were still willing to jump in.

Willing to have faith in us.

And it was beautiful.


	39. Just Keep Breathing (We The Kings)

* * *

I can't define just how much the pain draws me together...

Makes me complete...

And all that I have to do is just lay there and take it.

Just close my eyes and allow the pain to transform into something beautiful...

Something personal...

Each time that I go under the needle, I am already wounded in some way.

I feel like I have fallen apart and I go to the needle so that I can feel closer to who I once was.

* * *

If I could rewrite my life...

Fix things so that I could have minimal amounts of hurt...

There is one thing that I would not change...

And that's my love for her.

It has caused me pain and sadness just as much as it has caused me joy and peace.

This process is what connects me to her.

She just doesn't know it.

Not yet.

But she will soon enough.

* * *

When I had figured out that Christmas in San Francisco would be a bad idea, I had made plans to spend the week catching up on the things that I had lost over the last few months.

It had been my hope that Quinn would be spending it with Britt, Derek and Nicky, just like Thanksgiving...but then Britt called my bluff.

She wasn't going to let me flake out on my first Christmas with my wife and so she turned the tables.

Britt made it possible for the dominoes to fall the way that they did.

She was forcing Quinn to make the first move.

Nothing that Brittany does is by accident.

It was why I was so angry with her and why she was so angry with me.

She was planted firmly in the middle of my marriage...not because of Quinn but because of me.

Brittany has always been my shield...where I go to hide because I'm too afraid of the world...too afraid of being an adult.

What I had failed to take into account when I selfishly decided on skipping out on my wife, was that Brittany was no longer a child herself.

Addiction, rehab and motherhood had taken the innocence that I used to hide behind and transformed it into maturity.

I couldn't hide anymore.

* * *

So now, here I was...preparing to open up to myself to my wife like I never had before.

And while at first, I wanted to berate Britt and tear her to shreds, as I laid there watching my wife watch me, I was grateful.

Only a true friend will make you face the parts of yourself that you are trying to hide.

I couldn't be mad at her...because it was just a return of an unsolicited favor.

She was sober because I pushed her to be...

And my marriage was being saved because she had called my bluff...

Turnabout is fair play.

_"Are you alright?"_

I looked towards my wife who sat in a chair next to me and watched what was going on with wide eyes.

In many ways, she was still that sweet, naïve girl who her father raised...even if she had gotten a tattoo way before I had.

* * *

 _"What's it mean?"_  She whispered as she played with my fingers that dangled into her lap.

_"It's a line from my favorite poem."_

_"Is the poem in Spanish too?"_

_"It's Neruda...so yea."_

She smiled and caressed my fingers with her thumb.

 _"Tell me what it says."_  She said without looking away from the needles that broke the skin on my back.

_"Te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma. Which means, I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."_

I watched as her eyes teared up and I smiled.

_"Is that about me?"_

_"Of course it is, Q. The whole sonnet reminds me of you...well it reminds me of us."_

_"You know most people would prefer to be loved in the light."_  She said finally looking at me.

 _"But not you...right?"_  I asked trying to gage exactly where she was going with that line of thought.

_"I know from experience that sometimes the best loves are the secret ones. Like my love for Beth...it doesn't need to be in the light, shining and on the surface where I can see and feel the pain of not being with her...I keep it close to me...where no one can damage it...just like my love for you."_

_"I feel the same way."_

* * *

We sat on the beach watching the sunset and I felt her peace fill me.

I held her in my arms as the water tickled our bare feet.

 _"Tomorrow...I'm going to tell you everything...I promise."_  I said as I kissed her shoulder.

Her hand came back and rested on the back of my head.

_"Do you love me?"_

_"Of course, I do."_

_"Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Will you come to me the next time you feel like you are falling apart?"_

_"I will try my best...you will be the first to know from now on."_

_"Then honestly, San...I can do without the rest. Unless there is something that you really want to talk about...I would much rather just enjoy our time together. No pressure or looming heavy conversations necessary."_

I hugged her tighter and didn't try to hide the tears that dripped down my cheeks.

 _"You're sure?"_  I whispered as she twisted to look at me.

_"San, I already know that all I have to do is ask you, if I really want to know something but right now, what's more important to me is that you know that no matter what, I am with you. That I love you just as you are and nothing else matters to me more than you knowing that."_

In that moment all the residual heaviness left me.

And I just let her love soak in.

I memorized her face in that moment, the way that it glowed, not from the dwindling orange sun but because of the truth that was shining from her words.


	40. Bullets (Augustana)

* * *

Talk about cutting our time short!

All of Quinn's talk of me not coming home and then just two days after we sat on that beach, she got a call from one of her professors and had to go back home.

I mean, being a lawyer was her dream and so I fully supported it.

Maybe it was just that I had gotten really happy that she was with me for a full two weeks and then it ended up just being five days.

Quinn was happy though and so I had to be happy too.

Well at least I tried to be happy for her.

She was actually going to be sitting in on a trial that would begin on the next Monday and there was no way that she was going to turn that down.

And even if I was a bit bitter, I wouldn't have let her.

I tried not to be hurt by Q leaving me before I had the chance to really talk to her.

But  _she_  had other ideas.

Even as Q was standing in the bedroom packing her things, I knew that by the end of the day the darkness would return.

It was just under the surface.

Maybe I should have called out to my wife.

Told her that I was going to go with her or anything that could have helped to save me.

But I had already broken my promise.

It was like the moment that Quinn got that phone call from her professor, things started to go to shit.

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Again.

* * *

We laid in bed together that morning, naked and sweaty.

Q's face was glowing as she held me close to her.

The last few days had been bliss.

And I was really starting to be happy again.

_"I love you, San."_

_"I love you too, baby love."_

_"Mmmmhmm."_

_"What's on your mind, Q?"_

She smiled and blushed at bit before licking her lips.

I kissed her just as she was about to speak and then pulled away and looked into her eyes.

All the passion there made me tingle.

There was no better place for me than in her arms.

_"I think that after I'm done school...maybe we could buy a place."_

_"Maybe."_ I whispered, still not sure if that would be possible.

* * *

I thought for sure that I would have a record deal by now and even though I had a seat at the table it was still far from the best seat.

My life wasn't working out the way that I had planned...

But I knew that I needed to be patient...I needed to pay my dues.

I was deep in my head...alone...seeking out the darkness looking for  _her_...

Every time that I got down on myself it was her that pulled me together.

This was the first time that I was seeking her out with my wife right in front of me.

But she was still gone.

_"San?"_

I looked up and could see the worry on Q's face and was about to speak when her phone rang.

She was intending to ignore it but I was insistent that she answer it...all because I didn't want to talk about my own shit.

I shouldn't have been upset.

She could have missed that call and her professor would have called someone else...but it was my own fucking fault that she answered.

When she sat there biting on her lip as she wrote down something, that's when I knew that I wasn't going to like it.

This was her serious face...the one that made me feel really cold inside.

Her eyes were sparkling but there was still worry etched on her face, especially when she glanced at me.

I felt the darkness that I had been seeking out finally pass over me.

Be careful what you wish for.

* * *

 _"San, oh baby...shit...fuck, San, please...uh...uh...I have to go."_ She groaned as I pressed her against the front door.

 _"Not yet."_  I growled as I buried my fingers inside her sweet wetness and thrusted.

She had been all wet and ready for me and it made me crazy.

How could she be taking this away from me?

Now that I needed it...needed her more than life.

 _"Oh fuck!"_ She shivered as she grasped at the door frame that was holding her up.

 _"Don't leave."_  I selfishly pleaded.

I could see the contention on her face as I hovered centimeters from her lips.

Her eyes kept rolling back...

She was so close to coming...

_"San baby...this is a big...oh God!"_

I ripped away from her just as her orgasm was about to peak.

 _"You should go then."_  I stormed towards the kitchen.

This moment was reminiscent of that night in New York.

Leaving her pressed against a wall by the front door after fucking her senseless.

Running off to lick my wounds.

* * *

She tried to come after me...

Tried to convince me to come up for a few days...

But I had come to hate San Francisco.

Being there reminded me of the time in my life when I didn't need the darker part of me.

It was when I was truly happy and I would never have that again.

My stipend was almost up.

My degree was almost complete.

I would have to find a job to support her in her final two years of law school.

My dreams would be on hold and I was going to be just another wannabe.

I watched with tears in my eyes as she pulled down the driveway.

_"Stop crying."_

_"I just want her to stay here with me."_  I whimpered.

_"Don't be a wimp."_

_"I'm not...I just...there's so much to deal with all alone."_

_"You're not alone...ever."_

_"I know but I'm just worr-"_ I got cut off.

_"Don't worry, Ana...Auntie Snix is going to make it all better."_

And just like that she came back.

She took over and I submitted to her.

From then on...she was in control.

And I just watched...as she screwed it all up.

* * *

We were flying down the freeway as the sirens flashed behind us.

I wanted to stop but I couldn't.

She was leading me.

Driving me.

And so when we lost them.

She got rid of the car that she stole and wiped our fingerprints before we ended up stumbling through the gate.

_"Santana?"_

My head snapped to the side and there sat Cesar looking at me.

Worried.

But what for.

He didn't know about my condition.

Unless Quinn told him.

Had she?

* * *

 _"Hey."_ I muttered.

_"Are you okay? Do you need a hospital or something?"_

He looked at me horrified and so I looked down at myself.

I was covered in blood.

But it wasn't my own.

Which was part of the problem.

I couldn't be just standing here...

People were looking for me...us.

He didn't know that though.

_"How about you just forget that you saw me and let me be."_

_"I can't let you walk to your house like this...I may forget seeing you like this but you are guaranteed to be seen by someone with much more power than me."_

I could feel her getting pissed off even though I saw that Cesar was just trying to help.

 _"You got a better idea?"_  She snapped at him.

And then suddenly...

I was really scared.

* * *

She had finally been nice to Cesar though and let him drive us back to our gate.

I had hoped that she would let him go after that but of course she had stopped listening to me.

Even if I pleaded with her to stop this madness.

It was like she just didn't give a fuck anymore.

Maybe she had given up on my dreams too.

And she had become unhinged.

Or maybe...

Nah...that's not possible.

Could it not be her?

Could it be another?

I wasn't sure.

All that I knew was that she was feeling reckless tonight.

And unfortunately that meant casualties.

We had been seen.

But I was stuck.

I wanted out.

* * *

The stereo was blasting as I climbed from the shower.

I had lost time but I was finally back.

There was a trail of blood leading across the white carpet.

Trey was going to be so pissed.

She was sleeping and so I was awake.

I needed to see how bad things were.

My phone sat untouched where Quinn had put it on the dresser earlier.

I picked it up and saw seventeen messages from her.

She was worried.

Halfway to Fresno and was turning around.

Who knew how long ago that was?

But that didn't matter anymore.

Because as I opened the bedroom door to survey the rest of the house...I was greeted by a gun to my head.

And then cool metal on my wrists.

And just beyond that...

Darkness.

 


	41. Hate To See Your Heart Break (Paramore)

She left me to deal with the consequences of her actions.

I didn't want this.

And as far as I was concerned...I hadn't done this.

But what are you to do when it's your face on the cameras and your fingerprints on the gun?

I can't run from this.

There was nowhere to hide.

And now she was gone.

Hiding inside my head...not answering my screams for her.

Leaving me to deal with the questions that I couldn't answer.

And through it all...hours and hours later...my wife still hadn't shown up.

There was no friendly face to turn to.

What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

* * *

They had me strapped to a bed and kept watching me out the sides of their eyes.

It was like they were waiting for me to explode.

And maybe if it had been her...she would have.

But she was in hiding now.

So I just sat there, staring out the window at the glow from the streets below.

There was no real reason for me to be strapped down but I wasn't sure when she would come back so I didn't try to fight it.

She needed to be put down, caged...

What she had done with my body had been nothing short of animalistic.

I didn't feel safe and so no one else should feel that way either.

 _"Santana?"_  I didn't respond.

Not because I didn't want to...but because I couldn't.

I had learned enough in my life to know that I needed to speak only to a lawyer when things got bad.

And things were definitely bad.

* * *

I looked up at the doctor and the uniformed officer that stood behind him and waited.

_"You have been admitted for psychiatric evaluation, I understand that you may not feel comfortable speaking with such a heavy police presence. I just need you to answer some questions for me...a nod of the head is fine. Alright?"_

I nodded, doing my best to look at only the doctor and not the cop.

He turned and gestured for the cop to have a seat...the cop didn't move.

The doctor sighed and then stepped closer to me.

_"First off, I am Dr. Christi, I have already been in contact with your therapist. She tells me that you have been in treatment for multiple identities."_

I nodded.

_"Have you been taking medication for this disorder?"_

I looked at him for a long moment and then dropped my head.

My therapist had been urging me to take the medication that she had prescribed me but I felt like it stumped my creative process and so I just didn't take them.

_"So that's a no?"_

I didn't look at him as I nodded this time.

He sighed and then cleared his throat.

_"Do you remember what happened tonight?"_

I looked at him and then the cop...

This was a tricky question.

Because yes, I did remember each and every terrifying thing that happened but then again...it hadn't been me doing them.

So I didn't answer.

He got the message.

_"Okay...how about we go a little slower."_

I nodded and looked at him with a small smile.

The cop though didn't look so pleased.

But he could go screw himself.

_"Don't say another fucking word, Santana!"_

I froze.

* * *

At first I thought she had come back from hiding but then I turned towards the door and saw my wife.

She looked like shit.

But all that mattered was that she was here.

It had been her who had cut off the doctor.

Her eyes were wild as she looked at me.

 _"Can I talk to my wife alone for a moment, please?"_  She said as she looked at the doctor.

He looked like he wanted to argue but the silent cop finally cut in.

_"I think that would be a good idea, doc. If what you are saying about the personality thing is accurate then we are probably not going to get much out of her right now. She's not a threat...so I will clear this visit."_

The doctor looked reluctant but then he shrugged, scribbled something on my chart and then he and the cop left.

And almost immediately as the door closed, I could breathe again.

* * *

She plopped down on the chair beside the bed and looked up at me with a cold expression.

It was her defense mechanism.

I had expected it.

You don't spend a decade around Quinn and not expect to see her protective layer when ever she has the potential to get hurt.

 _"Hey."_  I said with a scratchy voice.

It was the first time that I had used it since Q had left.

 _"I was gone for four hours."_  She said with a strained voice.

_"I-"_

She held her hand up and so, I stopped talking...she was obviously in lecture mode.

_"You should have called me, Santana. The moment that you felt like there was a chance that things would go badly...you should have fucking called me and now...look at you. Look at what happens when you don't come to me!"_

She was becoming hysterical,

And I felt guilty for the first time all night.

She was right...I should have stopped this.

I should have called her.

But I didn't.

I was already long gone before Q had even made it to the end of the driveway.

How could I have stopped what had already begun?

* * *

After she finished yelling at me, she cried.

I didn't move.

Didn't speak.

Didn't even fucking blink.

I just waited for her to finish.

My words wouldn't be heard until she was back to herself.

I knew that.

And she knew that I would wait.

It was one of those unspoken rules.

While she had been crying, I had just been watching the window again.

Staring off, trying to figure out just how I would get out of this.

Because, there was clearly no easy way.

* * *

After enough time had passed, I felt her hand slip into mine.

She squeezed and I squeezed back.

I finally looked up at her and her mask was back on.

But not completely.

_"Will you tell me anything that I want to know?"_

I nodded.

_"All you have to do is ask."_


	42. Poison (Beyoncé)

* * *

I wanted to be open and upfront with my wife.

But my mind betrayed me.

When I had told Quinn about what I was going through back in that restaurant and she had asked if all of me loved her, I didn't hesitate.

I was absolutely sure that both parts of me loved her...

Now though, I wasn't so sure.

Because the second that Quinn even hinted at questioning me.

I couldn't speak anymore.

She was back.

And suddenly I was caged behind her plexiglass.

I watched in horror as she said the most hurtful things to Q and I prayed to God that she understood that this wasn't me.

This wasn't the woman that she married...

But when she ran from the room crying...

I nearly gave up.

My wife though...seemed to still know all parts of me.

* * *

She had put us to sleep.

Once she had snapped at Quinn and I stopped screaming inside, I passed out.

With my eyes closed, I was just one person.

One body...

One mind...

It was where she and I were on the same playing field.

And normally, I talk to her...fight with her...but this time, I locked myself away...

Even in my sleep.

There was no way that I could talk to her right now...

Whether she liked it or not Quinn was our other half.

She was my wife and there was no one else for me but she had different ideas,

And just like always, Quinn was a step ahead of me.

Thankfully.

* * *

I stayed in this hovering state of sleep until I was awaken by a touch.

For a moment, I was able to be the one that broke through and I smiled up at my wife but then the shift happened.

Her hand was on my cheek and then my lips turned into a sneer.

_"What the fuck are you doing, Fabray?"_

_"San baby, come back to me...please baby."_  She whispered as she went to kiss me but my body jerked again.

_"She can't come out and play right now, Lucy Q so back the fuck off."_

Quinn looked hurt but then she sighed and fell back in the chair beside the bed.

There was a burst of excitement running through me but then she froze.

I smiled to myself when I recognized the touch that came next.

A pinky slid into mine and I turned my head.

Britt.

* * *

Well fuck me!

She was in love with Britt still...

And Quinn had known.

Because just like that...the darkness crumbled.

Those blue eyes looked at us and then all of a sudden all of that fucking vitriol had dissolved.

 _"You need to stop this."_  Britt said as she squeezed my pinky again.

_"Britt, I...it just happened. I don't know what came over me. Please don't be mad at me."_

_"So its true...you hurt those people?"_

I had the presence of mind to hesitate.

My eyes gazed around the room and then I looked back at her.

 _"I think so."_ She whispered slowly.

_"If it's true then I can't be friends with you anymore. I can't...even look at you."_

And then everything inside got bad.

What Quinn meant as a way to get through to this fucking psycho made her turn on me.

Before she had given me a window so that I could be around when she was but this time she closed me out completely.

The world went dark and silent.

It was the worst kind of torture.

 


	43. I Care (Beyoncé)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Six fucking months.

That's how long I had existed with Snix fighting me every step of the way.

But I still got her cleared for three counts of attempted murder and aggravated assault, with the help of one of my best professors.

There was no way that she could have gotten off if she didn't do such a good job being such an asshole.

If she didn't do such a good job at proving just how different she was from the woman who I loved more than life.

The very fact that she was able to be so different from herself had shown the prosecution and witnesses that she was in deed someone different.

She had to spend six months in a facility until she could be proven fit for the world.

Thankfully, she had been on her best behavior until they released her.

But that didn't mean that she was anything but a bitch to me.

I have taken a gap year from law school and she has been blackballed in Los Angeles.

Her singing career isn't going to happen the way that she wanted and unless I can help her get things together...I will be transferring law schools and we will end up back in Lima.

Which is the last thing that either one of us wants.

So now I am determined to fix this...I have to get my wife back..

By any means necessary.

* * *

She sat quietly in the passenger seat of the rental car as I drove us from the airport towards our newest home.

Her father had suggested that after all the media spotlight that we lay low for a while.

But Snix wasn't making this easy.

She was snarky and grumpy and I was losing my patience.

_"Are you going to talk to me at all?"_

_"What for?"_

She had been miserable in her relentless pursuit of Britt.

But Britt has gone completely AWOL and so I am left to figure out the next step on my own.

Left to deal with this version of my wife being stuck on her ex girlfriend from nearly a decade ago.

Thankfully, Britt was over her and was too busy preparing to bring another life into this world to entertain any of these psychotic fantasies.

I was grateful that Derek saw fit to come and get her before any rekindling was suggested because I don't think that Britt would have stayed sober if she had stayed around.

And now she was going to have a baby and was truly happy.

It's how things should be.

But Snix still blamed me for it,

It was like she was trying to punish me for loving her.

Even though she still relied on me for her everyday survival...her resentment was very much evident.

* * *

_"Because you aren't happy like this...why can't you just let me have my wife back?"_

_"She's dead."_  She muttered as she looked out the window.

_"I refuse to believe that."_

_"If you want to be delusional...be my guest."_

_"I think that you are delusional enough for the both of us."_

_"Then why stick around? Why bring me all the way to fucking Canada, if you can't even stand to be around me?"_

_"Because I love you."_

_"Pull over."_  She snapped.

_"No."_

I locked the doors and then drove faster.

But that didn't stop her from trying the door handle anyway.

What she wasn't expecting was the car to not respond.

The doors wouldn't open as long as my foot was on the gas.

And we were on a straight road that didn't have a stop or traffic for miles.

She was stuck with me.

* * *

_"I don't get why she would leave Britt for you...it just doesn't make any fucking sense to me. You are too controlling, selfish and by far, the biggest bitch with the fakest fucking nose that I have ever had the displeasure of meeting!"_

I stayed calm.

At least she didn't bring up Beth this time.

Maybe because the last time that she did, I slapped her so hard that tears came to her eyes.

But despite that one incident...this was common for her.

This kind of shit was now just becoming normal and thankfully was losing its efficacy.

But I was still really starting to wonder if I would ever be able to look at my wife again without feeling a pain in my chest.

 _"I meant what I said, I love you, Santana."_  I said as I turned up the music and continued to drive.

_"Fuck you, Fabray."_

_"I wish you would..."_  I muttered.

_"Wish I would what?"_

_"Fuck me...I wish that you would fuck me."_

_"Yea right!"_  She said with a laugh.

_"I'm serious...I will do anything to get us back to being what we were...I'll do anything to get my wife back. I'd get on my fucking knees if you asked me to...why can't you see that?!"_

_"Don't say shit that you don't mean, Lucy Q. You have no idea what I'm capable of!"_

I kept looking over at her and noticed that she was still looking out the window...

But her hands were clenched in her lap and she was taking shallow breaths.

I was definitely getting to her.

* * *

_"No? You shooting three people in cold blood in a crowded studio is not enough? You have no idea how lucky you are that none of them died! Don't even get me started on what you did to poor Cesar!"_

_"I apologized for that...and I was acquitted."_

_"Because of me you fucking bitch! I got you off. Why can't you just come for me...come back for me! Please? I need you!"_  I said as I slammed my hand against the steering wheel.

She refused to give me any credit for saving her ass.

I couldn't deal with this behavior.

This attitude.

And then a soft cackle started before developing into a full-blown laugh.

_"That was so fucking wanky! I don't know Fabray...if you're a good girl...when we get to the house...maybe I'll put you on your knees yet."_

My heart raced.

Was she really saying what I thought she was?

* * *

_"Hello?"_

_"Oh my goodness...thank God you answered! I need your help."_  I whispered into the phone.

 _"Uh Quinn...why are you whispering...should I be whispering too?"_  Britt whispered back as I sat locked in the car.

Snix was inside either preparing a kill room...or some BDSM fantasy...I wasn't quite sure yet.

Either way...I was scared to go inside and my obsession with that old Dexter show wasn't helping matters much.

_"Maybe coming up to the woods of fucking Canada wasn't a good idea! What if she kills me out here? Nobody will know. It's pretty deserted!"_

I expected her to laugh at me or make light of the situation but as per usual, Britt surprised me.

_"San still hasn't come back then?"_

_"No...it's just this Snix person...since you left California...that's all she has been."_

_"Oh...I'm so sorry, Q."_

_"Yea...well...that doesn't help."_

_"What makes you think that she's going to kill you?"_

_"She told me that I have no idea what she is capable of after I told her that I would do anything for her, if she would just come back to me and then, I think she was flirting and then she told me that she would put me on my knees...I'm freaking, B."_

I gripped the steering wheel and kept my eyes on the house.

I had thought Britt would be freaking out with me but then finally she did laugh.

And not just a little laugh...it was a big belly laugh.

I just sat there listening to her as I felt tears burning my eyeballs.

But I wouldn't let them fall.

My heart was still racing,

My palms were still sweating and for me...this was no laughing matter.

* * *

Finally, after her laughing turned to wheezing, I had enough.

 _"What the fuck is so funny, Brittany!"_  I yelled.

And then there was silence.

I pulled my phone away from my face, just to check if she was still there.

She was.

I had been about to apologize for yelling when she finally spoke to me.

_"You aren't going to die today, Quinn. I think she is just going to give you what you asked for. Maybe some spanking...you might be tied up some...but I'm pretty sure that you are just going to have some really, really hot sexy times. Nothing to worry about."_

I felt my face flush and my panties get wet at the thought.

Sometimes when she got rough, I wanted more but I never knew how to ask.

And there were times when I topped her and I had wanted to push her beyond her limits and I didn't know how to.

Is that what this had come to?

Months with no intimacy had me craving things that I had formerly thought were depraved.

Is that what this was?

Something ugly and depraved...

Or was this a way to connect to her?

* * *

 _"How can you be so sure, Britt?"_  I finally whispered.

_"Mmm...because that was what sex was like between me and her and since you are basically dealing with the high school version of Santana...my version of Santana before she came out...I'm pretty sure that you are about to learn just how good your wife is in bed."_

_"I think I already know about that, B."_

She chuckled again.

_"Oh, Q...you have no idea. Just know that from my experience with her...the better you listen...the more you enjoy it. Don't fight her...and who knows...maybe you can make her fall in love with you."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Are you willing to do anything that she asks?"_

_"Yes...I think so."_

_"Yes or you think so...you can't have both."_

I hesitated and thought over how things had been and how I wanted things to be.

Sacrifices had to be made...even if I was the one making the majority of them.

_"Okay...then yes. Yes I will."_

_"Then go get your wife."_

She let out another laugh before hanging up on me.

Obviously she didn't think this was such a big deal.

So why should I?

Simple.

I was still a prude on my most basic levels.

But I was sure that wouldn't last long.

There had been hints of this BDSM thing all through our relationship.

Never though, did I connect the dots.

* * *

What the fuck had I gotten myself in to?

Could I do what she wanted?

Could I be what she needed?

Was I even willing to try?

I was hesitant to know what was possible...

Because she truly was capable of anything...

Even murder.

But really...if she wanted me dead...she had plenty of opportunities to kill me by now.

She hadn't.

Despite her protests...she was still here with me.

It was what gave me hope that San was in there still...fighting to be with me.

At the most random moments, I could see her.

Feel her.

It's what kept me holding on.

She is still my wife.

I have done nothing but love her...and nothing will, was, or is going to keep me from that truth...

Not even her.

If she was game...then so was I.


	44. Miss Missing You (Fall Out Boy)

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I couldn't let her get to me because if I did then she wouldn't respect me.

This wasn't the sweet part of Santana that I had fallen for...this was basically her evil half.

She was going to try to break me and while I was willing to submit to her...there was absolutely no way that she would break me.

You can't break someone who's already broken.

If things went according to my plans, she would be begging to be on her knees by the time all this was done.

My license may say Lopez but I would always be a Fabray.

I walked into the house and dropped my things by the door.

That hadn't been my intention but it was all that I had time for before she shoved me back against the door.

Something normal for us...and so I smiled.

If this was...

She slapped me...hard.

I looked at her in shock and tightened my fists.

She had promised me that she would never hit me in anger.

Never had that promise been broken...until now.

* * *

_"Not going to hit me back, hmm? Isn't that what you've always wanted, Fabray? To have me under the heel of your shoe?"_

I shook my head...but then I shrugged...bad move.

She shoved me back again and raised her hand and I flinched.

She froze.

And that's when I saw a spark of the woman who I loved.

 _"San...please?"_  I said without a tremor in my voice.

And that snapped Snix back into action.

She took my hands and pinned them against the wall behind me.

I took deep breaths as she crowded my personal space with her intoxicating smell.

Oh how I wanted her.

To take her and top her.

* * *

I smiled at her and then in what would have made Sue proud, I pivoted and in just three seconds, I had turned the tables and was shoving her face against the door.

She was frantically trying to get out of my hold but I was twisting her arm behind her back and pressing my hand between her shoulder blades.

I pressed my cheek against hers and smiled.

_"You don't scare me. I have dealt with worse than you...my father once beat me until I was coughing up blood and made me thank him for it. If you want to do this...then you are going to fucking respect me. Got it?"_

_"Fuck."_  She groaned as I pushed her arm and her back at the same time.

 _"Try again."_  I said as I shoved my knee between her legs.

_"Yes! Okay! I will respect you!"_

_"Good girl."_  I said before releasing her and taking a step back.

I was amazed with myself.

She turned and looked at me with a spark in her eyes but with less violence in her features.

This I could handle.

* * *

She stood there watching me...as if she now had to decide on another approach.

In the meantime, I slowly stripped for her.

No matter what happened tonight, I would be in control.

Her eyes followed me as I folded my clothes and then when I stepped in front of her wearing nothing but my smile...she regained her composure.

 _"I've always wanted to put you on your knees...Q."_  She said as she began to slowly move around me, occasionally touching me on my arm or my shoulder.

Her touch was feather light and was sending all of my senses into overdrive.

But I would not break.

So, I cleared my throat...completely unaware of anything but her fingers and her voice.

 _"Yea? Why is that?"_  I said as I looked down at the wooden floorboards.

_"From the moment that I met you...it always felt like you were looking down on me...convinced that I was jealous of you."_

_"Because you were."_  I whispered, not being able to resist pissing her off with one of her old insecurities.

She stepped back into my line of sight and raised my chin with her fingers and leaned in.

Her head dipped and I hissed when her teeth nipped at my collarbone.

I yelped as she moved her teeth along my neck before biting at the curve of my jaw.

She pulled back a little and chuckled.

_"You sure about that? Hmmm? Because the way that I see it...you were always jealous of Britt...and the fact that she stole me from you."_

I shuddered as her fingers dug into the flesh of my hips.

My skin was on fire as she continued to press my buttons...

With rough touches in sensitive places and an extra rasp in her voice,

I was melting.

* * *

 _"I've always wanted you."_  I finally admitted.

 _"Of course you did."_  She said as her finger trailed up the crack of my ass.

 _"San...please."_  I groaned.

 _"You still do...want me, right?"_  She said as her fingers moved to knead my ass while her lips traced the shell of my ear.

_"Yessss."_

_"Then kneel."_  She said with a growl before stepping back and dropping her hands to her sides.

And without a seconds hesitation, I fell to my knees and looked up at her.

Ready to come to her in supplication and willing to do what was necessary to bind us back together.

Wanting her and needing her had become synonymous.

 _"Thank you."_  I whispered without thought.

But my slip seemed to please her as her eyes danced across my face in delight.

Knowing that I pleased her made my heart pound.

The wetness was rushing down my thighs as I closed my eyes and dropped my head.

It seemed that being in this position before her came naturally and she was soaking it up.

My pride had vanished as I allowed my needs to guide me...pushing me closer to being a sensory being.

I could still feel all of her touches...everywhere and I wanted to do anything to keep that feeling present on my skin and in my mind,

Forever.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Touch her."_  I whispered to the rougher side of me.  _"If you must do this...if you must use her to get over your broken heart...don't break her. Please?"_

Months of darkness and silence and finally...she wakes me up so that I can see my wife kneeling at her feet.

How we had gotten to this point didn't really concern me.

What concerned me was the fear in Q's features...or the way that she flinched just enough for me to notice.

Snix didn't know her like I did.

She didn't get her like I did.

Quinn was my love and my life...

The air that fed me and the sun that kept me warm.

So if this was going to happen...

She couldn't be a casualty.

That was where I put my foot down.

* * *

I watched as my hands caressed her face...but I couldn't feel it.

She was letting me watch but that was as much as I would get.

It was like watching someone else fuck my wife right in front of me.

But I wouldn't let her get to me.

Not like she wanted to.

_"Right there...dig your nails in her hair."_

She gripped Q's head and pulled it back.

The green of her eyes and the softness of her lips were entrancing as she looked up at us.

 _"If you want to be a part of this, Ana...then you need to let me work."_  She whispered to me as she began to hum.

I noticed the song immediately and apparently so did Quinn.

**_Take My Breath Away..._ **

She was smooth.

I went to say something but found that I couldn't get the words out because she was now serenading my wife.

From anyone else' s perspective it would have seemed charming...but for me...it made me groan.

Seriously?

Corny!

* * *

I watched as Quinn stayed there on her knees and listened to the entire song being sung.

She was beginning to sway a little and I smiled.

I knew that she was thinking back to prom night...when we sang together.

And when she stood, I had wrapped my arm around her and held on tight.

That was the first time that I held her so close to me.

And for me...it was when I knew that Britt and I probably weren't a forever thing.

My first...energy exchange...was definitely with Q.

And now Snix was using that history to get my wife to drop her guard.

Luring her into a false sense of security because there was no way that she was going to just ignore the fact that Quinn had bested her.

Quinn had demanded respect, instead of earning it.

And while I applauded that...Snix was not so forgiving.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

She was pulling me to my feet as she finished off her dinner.

I felt a rush of blood flow through my legs as I stood in front of her.

My height advantage not really helping as she held firmly to my arm while I wobbled on my feet.

She had kept me on my knees through her singing, her showering and then her eating.

I was tired and feeling sore but I was still willing to do what she needed.

_"What do you want from me, San?"_

_"Tell me what your endgame is, Lucy Q."_

I looked at her and I swear there was a spark still there.

But I was probably starting to lose it myself.

Exhaustion can do that to a person.

_"I just want my wife back. I just want to be with her every single day for the rest of my life...with or without you...I won't give up on her."_

She looked taken aback.

But I didn't care.

Why put up false pretenses?

That's never gotten me anywhere before.

* * *

I stood there in the same spot as she sat down on the couch with a glass of wine.

Where had that come from?

And where was my glass?

I swayed a little as she took sips and watched me with speculative eyes.

 _"Why?"_  She finally asked after taking a long sip.

I was confused...had I not exhibited my dedication and love enough?

_"After I had Beth..."_

I felt the tears come rushing to my eyes as I looked at her expression.

Not a hint of sympathy was there but I never did get any from her anyway.

It was just another fact of my life that she had pushed to the side so that it would hurt me.

Over the last few months...that had changed.

She didn't care about my feelings as she berated me for my poor life choices, right down to my picking up smoking again during the trial.

It was like she wanted me to hate her but here I stood...demeaning myself just like she had before she shot those three people.

The bully became bullied and it broke her in two.

There was a defining difference in all of this though.

They had done it all just to be assholes, just for fun...but she was doing things to consciously hurt me.

To break me.

But I swallowed my hurt and put on a smile and continued from where I had left off.

_"I was broken down and I tried like hell to do everything that I could to feel the rush of being on top again...but it wasn't the same. Nothing felt like it did when I was a naïve fifteen year old, ready to conquer the world. At least not until that hotel room on Valentine's day. Being with you...every part of you after that was a rush. I was willing to be whatever you needed me to be...and when I found out that I was pregnant. That I was going to be a mom again...the rush came back...but then I lost it. It broke me deeper than giving away Beth did."_

I stopped.

She was crying.

* * *

For the first time in all of this...she was actually showing emotion.

 _"Keep going."_  She choked out.

She cleared her throat and guzzled down the last of her wine before wiping her tears away.

I stood there...rooted to the spot...no longer swaying.

My research told me that the identities were separate...they had their own memories...own lives.

And Snix was no different...she hadn't been around to fall in love with me...not completely.

Now though...it was me and her and she needed to see that my devotion was something real.

_"When I went to New York after dropping out of Yale...I know that it was you that fucked me against that wall and it was her that picked up the pieces. Going back, I can see the times that you jumped in front of her. The times that you jumped into our relationship and now our marriage. I see who you are...the good and the bad. What confuses me though...is how when I visited you at the house...you kept asking me to top you. It was both of you...agreeing to let me take over...right?"_

She looked at me wide-eyed.

I had been more observant than she had realized.

 _"It was."_ She admitted with a shrug of her shoulders and a tilt of her chin.

_"And you liked it...when I took over...when I topped you and made you feel like you were whole...you craved it...didn't you?"_

* * *

_"Yes."_ She said...and the more that she answered my questions...the more I could see my wife shining through.

I took a step closer and her eyebrows raised.

But she didn't correct me...

She didn't stop me and so I stepped forward again...this time with a bigger step.

I could see them at war as I knelt between her knees and reached up to pull her face into my hands.

Her dark eyes looked at me with so much pain and so much happiness at the same time.

I leaned forward and kissed her lips and then pulled back and smiled at her.

_"Don't you want to feel all the love in the world...all the acceptance that you will ever need? Aren't you tired of fighting this war inside of you?"_

_"Yes."_  She whimpered.

I had gotten to her.

Underneath her skin.

Her eyes stared down at me and all of a sudden she was that frightened little girl that she had always been.

_"You don't have to be tough for me, San...you don't have to jump back and forth with me...I want all of you. All of the time...all you have to do is tell me...ask me to love all of you...and know that you won't be rejected because I'm already yours."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I don't know how it happened exactly.

There is no exact science to this whole split thing.

But I was pretty sure that we were finally unified.

Seeing my wife there before me with so much love and conviction in her words brought us together.

Through it all...we existed for one another.

Snix seemed to finally realize that it was time to grow the fuck up.

It was time to embrace the love that was laid out for us.

To stop fucking rebelling and just let the love in.

And I was breaking to the forefront of my own mind for the first time in almost seven months.

* * *

 _"Get up."_  I finally croaked out.

She looked shocked.

Then again, so was I, my body had been held captive for way too long and while that wasn't the first thing that I wanted to say to my wife in all of this time, I felt that it was necessary for me.

Snix had been taking over me...but I wouldn't allow it anymore.

It was time for me to be Santana again.

I couldn't deal with being anyone else anymore.

_"San...I-"_

I put my hand over her mouth softly as I leaned forward.

_"Get up, Q...go eat and meet me upstairs when you're done."_

And just like that I pushed past her.

I needed to escape before I became too weak to fight off the darker parts of me.

Snix was behaving but who knew how long that would last?

* * *

I burst into the bedroom and locked the door behind me.

Quinn had packed up most of the apartment and had our stuff shipped here and so I knew that what I was looking for would be here.

First though, I stood in front of the mirror and took stock of my reflection.

My skin was darker, my eyes were blacker and my weight was too low.

There were too many sharp edges and not enough Latina curves...that all needed to change.

 _"Will you let me stay?"_  I said to her...knowing that she was still lingering.

_"And what...lock me back up?"_

_"I need you with me...just...not as the decision maker. You are my bravery...but you don't have a heart...let me be the heart and the mind...please?"_  I asked with force but kindness.

 _"Okay."_  She relented and I felt a heaviness lift from my chest.

I felt lighter...and while I could sense her...she wasn't holding me down anymore.

This time her leaving didn't mean that I was abandoned...it meant that I was present.

What was it Mami used to say?

And then she answered for me.

_"Be. Here. Now."_

And I smiled at my reflection.

I was here again...

Thank God!

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I was so confused.

What changed?

Had I done something wrong?

I quickly shoved as much pasta in my mouth as possible...barely chewing as I stared out the back window at the lake.

My mind kept going back over the day and I was coming up lost.

Nothing made sense.

_"If you don't slow down, you're going to choke, Q."_

I turned around and there stood my smiling wife.

 _"San?"_  I said as clearly as possible.

She smiled and nodded.

 _"The bitch is back."_  She said with one of those exaggerated winks.

* * *

I put my plate in the sink and then just stood there and looked at her.

Knowing that it was my wife standing in front of me, put me at ease.

But I was still worried that she would jump back into Snix.

My guard was still up.

San smiled at me and held her hand out for me.

 _"Come with me."_  She said, still smiling as my hand slid into hers.

Even her touch felt different.

I was suddenly safer.

I wanted to cry.

* * *

When she pulled me into the bedroom, I officially let the tears come down.

There were candles everywhere and the curtains were drawn.

And in the middle of the bed...

I looked at her and she looked back at me with a smile.

 _"Your guard is still up...so I want you to feel like you can control something in all of that...top me, baby...please?"_  She whispered as she stepped in closer and ran her hands up and down my skin.

Until that moment, I had forgotten just how naked I was.

 _"You're sure?"_  I asked as I touched her face and brought her closer.

She smiled and kissed my face.

It was kind of freaky.

She was even sweeter than she had originally been.

_"I asked...didn't I? What's our rule?"_

And then I grinned.

_"Okay then...how about you take all those clothes off while I get that harness on then...okay?"_

The sound of my own voice made me want to kick myself.

I sounded so open and vulnerable.

But then she smiled at me as she took off her shirt and I forgot all that.

She was back...and I didn't want to waste another second.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

She seemed like she was going to run screaming.

I'll admit...I was expecting it.

But then I was naked and she was climbing on the bed with that harness on.

She looked silly with that thing hanging between her legs...it always made me smile but then she would reek havoc with it and I wasn't smiling anymore.

Usually I was too busy screaming.

A tremor went through me and I smiled.

I was so ready for this.

Ready to be back.

With her...

With me!

I finally felt like I was going to be okay.

* * *

 _"Go slow at first baby."_  I said as I opened myself for her.

She hovered over me and just looked at me in awe.

 _"Okay..."_  She she whispered as she focused on sliding home.

It was all excruciatingly slow as she pushed inside of me.

 _"Oh God...like that...slow...it's been awhile...fuck."_  I groaned as she finally ground her hips down against mine.

 _"Too long."_  She groaned as she hovered above me with a big smile on her face.

Her hips were trapping mine down and she wasn't moving.

 _"Baby...please."_  I groaned as I ran my fingers up and down her sides.

_"Please what? Ask me."_

_"Go faster, baby, please...take what's yours. Please?"_  I begged.

_"All you had to do was ask."_

* * *

I bounced in her lap as she sat there holding me and smiling.

 _"I missed you."_ She said as she thrusted her hips up to meet mine.

 _"I missed youuuuu."_  I groaned as I rested my sweaty forehead against hers. Her arms held me close as she began to lift me and bring me back down.  _"Oh Godddddddddddd! Quinn! Yes...yes...I need it harder...please?"_

_"Like this?"_

_"Yes! Uh. Uh...ayyyyyy...fuckkkkkkkkk!"_ I shrieked as I slowed down and tried to suck in as much air as possible.

I was near tears as I continued to beg her for more.

More touching, more kisses.

And she obliged every single request.

 _"On your back."_  She said with a gentle shove. _"There is a position that I have missed more than the rest."_

I slid bonelessly back onto the bed with a groan, fresh off my third orgasm.

There was a snicker in my head and then a spark of lust.

Snix was enjoying this...

She was insatiable just like Q was.

I was all crazy and split off and here was my wife, loving me into submission...

Just like it should have been all along.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I had taken her from behind, over the bed, the dresser and made her scream my name twice before making it back into that sitting position.

And even though I had come myself each time...there was only one position that forced me to stare into her eyes.

One position that I held above all others.

I kneeled between her legs and then lifted them, before hooking them over my elbows.

Normally my hands would slide to her waist but I could tell that she was tired and so I slid my hands underneath her and gripped her shoulders.

She looked at me with hooded eyes and gave me a nervous smile.

 _"Is this too much?"_  I asked as I held her to me.

_"Never."_

She shook her head as tears welled up in her eyes.

Just like they used to.

Santana Lopez has always craved physical contact and this was a way to cradle her and love her as much as I could at the same time.

It always rendered her emotional and sappy.

Just how I wanted her.

* * *

 _"Oh my...uh...Q...oh oh...ahhh!"_  She groaned as I thrust with all my strength, trying to reach as deep as I could.

I gripped harder to her shoulders and pulled her into me over and over again.

Our eyes were locked as she bit into her lip.

 _"I don't care who you are tomorrow...but you will always be mine."_  I growled as I began to nip at her neck and collarbone.

 _"Yessss."_  She hissed as she rested her hands on my back and urged me on.  _"All yours, Q. Your wife...your love...your everything. Para siempre, amor."_

The bed was squealing as I felt my own release peaking and so I thrusted harder...

 _"Oh Sannnnnn!"_  I groaned as she forced her fingers underneath the harness and began to pinch my clit.

 _"Tell me that you love me again."_  She panted.

 _"I love you!"_  I screamed as I came.  _"Fuck...so much!"_  I moaned as I came again. _"Sannnnnnnnn!"_  I screamed as I came a third time before ripping her hand away.

She looked up at me with mischief in her eyes.

It was like I was looking at her but I could see Snix too.

Like they were working together to take me to the precipice before they shoved me over.

And so I pushed past my euphoria and began to thrust at a bruising pace...

 _"Q...baby...I can't...ayyyy!"_  She screamed.

 _"You can and you will."_  I said as I slammed into her again.

_"Oh God! Yesss...right...there...right...there!"_

* * *

_"That was amazing."_  She groaned as she curled against my side.

 _"Yea, well I've been holding it in for quite a while. Give me a few minutes and I will probably be ready for more."_  I said as I twirled her hair around my fingers.

She looked at me with wide eyes and shook her head.

_"Um...how about, no. Do you see how little I am...at the rate you're going...I'll break in two."_

_"You already are in two."_  I winked and she rolled her eyes.

_"Touche."_

_"You know what...when the hype dies down and we figure out our next step...lets go somewhere fun."_

_"Like where?"_

_"Anywhere...as long as we are together."_

_"That sounds good, Q."_

_"Promise me that you will fight to stay."_  I said as I trailed my fingers over her lips and then over her cheek.

_"I promise that I will not leave you, Q...not completely...or ever again."_

_"Good."_

_"Now...how about another round?"_

_"I thought you were afraid of breaking."_

She crawled down my body and shoved my legs apart.

_"I am...that's why you will be the only one coming this time around."_

_"Oh..."_

_"Do you mind if I make you come, Q?"_

_"You don't ever have to ask."_ I winked.


	45. Set Fire To The Rain (Adele)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sequel is up!!!

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

_"Yesssssss."_  I hissed as she pushed into me.

Her dark locks caressed my face and I couldn't help but bite back the moan that was bubbling from my lips.

 _"Don't hold back."_  She groaned before biting down hard on my shoulder.

 _"Oh God!"_  I groaned as she slammed into me.

_"Mmm...is it good baby love?"_

The steam of the shower and the water raining down on us had me in a haze of feelings and sensations.

But I still wanted more.

 _"Harder."_  I whispered before wrapping my legs tighter around her waist. And she did.  _"Oh...yes...like...fuck! Yes! San...San...Santannnnnna...yes! Right there! Just like that."_  I groaned.

She gripped my ass with one hand and with the other she gripped my hair and pulled my head back.

Her lips and teeth were attacking my neck and I just kept chanting out her name over and over again.

My mind knew nothing more than that.

Than her.

* * *

My legs were like jelly as I finally found purchase on the floor.

San had her back to me and was humming to herself.

This was quickly becoming a home for us and it felt good to just be alone with her.

No interruptions.

No stares...

Just me and Santana...together.

 _"Promise me that you will go back to school, Q."_  She said as she lifted her head and met my eyes in the mirror that sat in front of her.

It was something completely random as we proceeded to get dressed.

And so I shrugged and continued to pull a shirt over my head.

In that small amount of time, she had traversed the room and was standing just in front of me.

Her eyes were examining my face and then her hand came up to cup my cheek.

She looked upset.

Definitely not what I was expecting after the mind-blowing sex that we had been having for days now.

 _"What's wrong?"_  I asked.

_"I will never forgive myself if you put off your dream of being a lawyer for me."_

_"San...you know that I don't mind."_  I said with a shrug.

Her eyebrows got even more scrunched up.

_"Well, I do mind. The University of Toronto is like the best...you should see about transferring."_

I sighed when I saw her face filled with concern.

Despite her going off the edge, she had still managed to finish her masters.

She had her degrees but I still had two years left.

And truthfully, I had given up.

_"If it's really that important to you...then I will look into it today."_

A smile spread across her face and she pulled me into a tight hug.

I could feel the shaking in her body and then I heard a sniffle.

 _"Thank you."_  She mumbled before stepping back and wiping at her misty eyes.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Bendicion, Mami."_

The wind was blowing the willow trees as I knelt by the giant headstone.

It was my first time back in the States in a year and this had been my first destination.

Papi was getting remarried after all this time.

His fiancé was an old friend of the family, of my mothers.

I already loved her.

At first, I had been upset about the marriage but then, after I talked to Quinn and she told me that if she died and enough time went by...she would want me to be with Britt.

That she would feel better about me being with someone who she loved and not a stranger.

It made me reconsider coming to the wedding.

But that's just my wife, always thinking.

Always making me see past my own shit.

_"So much has happened since you've been gone. I'm getting help and I'm still with Q...and yes, I'm good to her. I wish you were here...I'm going to have a baby...I just found out yesterday. I haven't even told Quinn yet. I'm really scared, I wish you were here to tell me what to do...how to be. I miss you so much. I hope that you would be proud...I'm going to do everything that I can to be the person that you wanted me to be."_

* * *

I sat in the front pew and watched as my father took a new wife.

My tears were ridiculous as I leaned into Quinn.

She kissed my bare shoulder and then whispered in my ear.

_"Are you alright?"_

_"It's just..."_  I had wanted to surprise her...but after visiting my mom and now this...I couldn't hold back any longer.  _"the pregnancy hormones."_

A smile spread over her face.

 _"Yea? A baby?"_  She whispered.

I nodded and wiped at my cheeks as the new tears came down.

 _"Yea...you're sure about this right?"_  I asked.

 _"Absolutely."_  She couldn't stop grinning as she stared at me with a fresh look in her eyes.  _"I'm in this...we can do this...are you nervous?"_

 _"Terrified._ " I admitted as I stood with the rest of the congregation to clap for my father.

I felt a hand slip past my waist and rub tenderly at my stomach.

_"In a good way right?"_

I nodded.

_"Definitely."_

* * *

_"I can't believe that I let you talk me into this!"_ I snapped at Q as she gripped my hands. _  
_

_"It's almost over, she's almost here...just a few more pushes baby...you can do this."_

_"I can't."_  I groaned as another contraction hit me.

_"You can and you will."_

_"Oh God!"_ I screamed as I bared down and pushed.

_"You're doing great!"_

Q smiled and I just began to cry again as I pushed again as hard as I could.

I was in disbelief that anything was actually happening.

Sometimes, I still didn't believe that I was actually creating life.

But then when I heard her cry for the first time...it hit me.

I was someone's Mami.

Me!

* * *

The baby hated me.

Or at least that's what it felt like in the middle of the night.

It was time to nurse her and I didn't feel like moving.

_"Q?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

I felt bad because she had just finished her degree and was working a job that demanded her time but I was beyond exhausted.

_"Please? There are bottles in the fridge...I'm begging you...just let me sleep...please?"_

_"I'm on it!"_

She stumbled from the bed and headed towards the nursery looking like a drunken nut bag but I just smiled and rolled right back over.

I swear, I had been sleeping for ten minutes when the crying started again.

_"Q?"_

No answer.

And so I peaked an eye open.

It was daylight...she was at work.

Getting up was no longer a choice.

But that didn't stop me from crying right along with the baby until Quinn got home that night.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

When I got home after another day of clerking...I just wanted to crawl into bed and not see the light of day for a few weeks.

But we had a newborn.

And San had been with her all day long...I couldn't just put all that work on her.

It was tantamount to torture.

And as I opened the door to the house, I was greeted by San weeping as she held a screaming baby.

From the sound of the baby's cries, it had been going on for quite awhile.

* * *

_"San?"_  She didn't answer.

That worried me.

I reached down and took the baby from her and she still didn't look up.

And then I knew.

She was losing her grasp.

The stress was too much.

And so, three years after moving to Canada, I made a rash decision.

_"Do you want to move back home?"_

Her eyes met mine and I could see how bloodshot they were.

She had reached her limit and had been holding on with everything that she had left.

 _"You don't even have to ask."_  She said as she angrily wiped her eyes.  _"I need help, Q...I can't do this alone."_

_"Then we will go home."_

* * *

It had been almost too easy to find a job in New York.

Her father and his wife lived there, Rachel and Brittany lived there and an opportunity to finally start her music career was there.

And knowing that being home alone with the baby had an end date...for the last month that we were in Toronto, I came home to a more settled version of her.

A happier version.

It was like our lives had come full circle.

We ran away from New York, hoping to find some new life far away and now that we found it...we were coming back.

But with more maturity, degrees, a baby and lots of love.

We had no idea what was in front of us but we jumped in anyway.

Feet first...

And I don't regret a thing.


End file.
